[acb123]

My boyfriend and I started dating in grade 11 (2012). After school we moved in together and now been living together for just over a year. I work full time in a job I really enjoy. He is at uni 4 days and week and works 12 hours on weekends. He is a very driven and motivated person in life. He has a life plan and knows what his goals and dreams are.

He is studying to be an Astronomer. To become an Astronomer he wants to do a 4 year degree at Uni in Physics (he has just started year 2), then wants to move 1200km down south to do his Masters. He is also a very physical and active person. He also wants to join the army ASAP, then once he has finished his masters he would like to be a Commando about 10 years (while he is still young and able to do physical things). He then wants to move to America to do his PHD.

Our relationship hasn’t been going very well lately we are always arguing over the tiny things that really don’t matter. He is very stressed because he is quite busy and doesn’t have time to really relax. I am stressed out because we don’t really spend quality time together anymore. He has recently made a new very good friend, he is always talking to her on Facebook. Even during time that I would class as ‘our time’, he just seems like he can’t put his phone down.

We have been trying to work out our issues. We are always talking and are open and honest with each other. He says that he doesn’t think he can be 100% compatible with someone who isn’t driven in life and who doesn’t want to push themselves to reach their goals and be the best that they can be. He would like me to find a hobby or something that I can throw myself into. Something that he can support me in and be proud of me, like I am for him. I am happy with my job as a receptionist, I love craft and making things, but I don’t really know what I want to do with my life, I don’t have a live plan. I am extremely happy to be with him, do my craft and support him – that makes me happy.
He is really struggling with this and not coping well. His new friend, is just like him very driven and ambitious in life and I think he wishes I was more like her. It’s like she has given him a taste of what I could be like, but unfortunately I am not. He says ‘He just feels lost and he doesn’t know if with his current arrangements (our life together) that he can reach his goals’. He is seriously wondering if opposites really do attract and if an entirely goal orientated person and person with absolutely no goals in life can be compatible long term. He is thinking ‘Imagine if I had someone who was not only supportive but also was as driven? Who also had a passion to be the best? Who didn’t just want to settle at being mediocre?’ He wants some who has a drive for live and who wants to get somewhere and do something they can be proud of. He says I am extremely ‘amazing’, but I just have no drive. He doesn’t know if he wants to be in a serious relationship right now, he just wants a fun one. He wants someone ‘Who he can share his goals with and be like, hey this is what I really want to do. What do you really want to do? And then we can casually work off of each other to reach them’.
I really love him and I want to spend my life with him, but lately I just feel like I am not enough or the best person for him to be with and that I am making him sad.
If anyone has any advice you would be muchly appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The two of you are no longer compatible. 🙁 He was your high school boyfriend and that was great, and now that you’re in your early 20s, things have changed. He’s got a 10 year plan for his life that is very, very different than the plan you have for your life, and he wants someone who is different than who you are — and you really do want someone who is different than he is (someone who appreciates you and your life and wants to make things work with you as you are). You’re happy with yourself, but not the relationship. He’s happy with himself, but not the relationship. This other woman isn’t the problem — she’s the symptom of the problem.

I think that as hard as this is to hear, the relationship isn’t working and doesn’t seem to have a future with the two of you together. This isn’t so much about an academic issue of opposites attracting. It’s about compatibility. He wants someone who’s more career oriented and proactive. You want someone who appreciates the life you already have as a receptionist, with crafting as a hobby and who wants to spend quality time with you. You can accept this and let go of the relationship now, or try and make it work and watch the little fights become the problem that seems to break you up — or this woman become his girlfriend, even though she may not be the one for him, she is an exit door to this relationship he’s in with you.

I’m sorry this isn’t better news for you. But I’d hate to see you waste time with someone who isn’t your Mr. Right. 😉

[Member]

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