[Tigress1974]

First let me give a little background. I am in my mid 30’s, never married with 4 children. I have had 2 long-term relationships. The first was to the father of my oldest 2. We were together for 6 years. The second was with the father of my youngest 2 and we were together off and on for 12 years.

Almost 2 years ago I met an absolutely wonderful man that I COULD see spending my life with. He had come out of a marriage where she had an affair and I could relate as my recent ex had 11 of them that I found out about. I have been straight forward from day 1 about wanting to meet a man, fall in love and get married. This has NEVER been a secret ❗ He was the first to use the “L” word. It was barely 2 months after we met, he told me he was falling in love with me and I told him my feelings for him were quite strong. We moved in together a month later.

Things were great in the first year. This past year though we have had a few fights and I am starting to have my doubts about us lasting. Not so much because we fight, but because I am finding there are things I am not sure I am willing to overlook.

One: As I said, I have stated from day 1 that I want a husband. I want to be someone’s wife. He knew this and yet I find out a few months ago (during an argument) that he is NOT too keen on remarrying. He has been there, done that. I worry that I may stay with him another few years and his mind doesn’t change and then there I am..in my forties and an old maid! I love him and want to spend my life with him but am not sure I want to give up my dream of marriage for it. And how long do I wait to see if he proposes? Another year or two?

Two: I had never decided if I wanted more kids or not. I have juggled the idea of us having a child of our own and he is ABSOLUTELY positive on no more kids. I understand that I have mine from before, and he has 3 sons and that makes 7…therefore I see his logic in another child being a crazy idea and have not pushed it on him. That idea is something I am willing to give up.

Three: He smokes pot and drinks more than I like. I admit I enjoy a cooler or two on a weekend or night we have no kids home. And I like to have a glass of wine sometimes with dinner. I also like a puff here and there to unwind. However, it seems EVERY time I turn around lately he is puffing away on his pipe (hash or weed) or sipping on a vodka rockstar. We can’t seem to go to ANY social events without him drinking. We go to the pub and I drink soda while he’ll have 2-3 beer minimum. Even when he goes to play Sunday hockey we have to hit the beer store so he can get a 8 pack of beer or 2-3 vodka rockstars. It’s gotten to the point it’s even affected our sex life. He gets more “cozy” up on me at bed in night when he has been drinking, and when we start to have sex he goes limp or has difficulty finishing because he is inebriated.

Four: We fight about the kids alot. I have a adult son who lives at home (he has mild brain damage) and he feels I let my son get away with too much. Such as his friends always over, leaving dishes around, etc. His kids come every weekend and I always do all the cooking, cleaning up after them, etc. I bitch about it to him though and I am automatically picking on his kids and it starts a fight.

I’m just getting frustrated because I really question if he ever will marry me. I’m also questioning if I want to marry him when he is always getting “buzzed”. And when he goes days without weed or alcohol he becomes a bit of a jerk. Oh…and he smokes too. A pack a day.

I can really use some advice! I can’t talk to my girlfriends because they are OUR friends and I don’t know how well it will be kept confidential.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may have made it clear that [i]you[/i] wanted to get married, but your job as a good date was to find out how he felt about marriage and kids, long before the two of you moved in together with your mutual children. 😯 Moving in together after dating for only three months — when you have four kids of your own — was a mistake.

Dating as a single parent is very different from dating as a single person with no kids. You have to think about the children first. Moving a guy in with them who drinks, smokes weed and hash, and isn’t looking like Mr. Right, isn’t a good idea. In addition, moving in so quickly doesn’t allow you the clear head you need to decide if this person is the right one for you — especially since you want to get married.

Since it’s been two years now, and he’s made it clear he’s not keen on marrying and he’s got some personal habits that are making your life together unpleasant, my advice is to let go before you waste too much more time. Mr. Right is out there — but you have to be available to date him! With this guy living in your house, you’re not.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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