[Anonymous]

I’ve never asked for advice in this manner before, but I really am in need of help. I’m dealing with the end of a relationship but I don’t know what to do because the situation wasn’t entirely straightforward.

I was in a long term and long distance relationship for a very long time with someone who was amazing and my best friend, but over the years apart I became less hopeful about a future together. I think my boyfriend began to seem more like a best friend than something more. Then I met someone else, N. I thought he was amazing and very genuine, but didn’t think of anything more than friendship initially. However, very quickly I developed strong feelings for him as I’d never felt before. We became involved. He knew that I was in a relationship, although I distanced myself from my boyfriend. After I met N, I was not intimate with my boyfriend, we stopped visiting one another–but I kept things in this kind of separation limbo rather then end it. I have a really hard time discussing my feelings and the thought of both hurting him so much and losing his friendship was so difficult, I wanted to know that N could see a real relationship developing before I went ahead and had such a difficult conversation. I know this was wrong, unfair to everyone, and that I screwed up big time.

I was with N for around 7 months. He talked about getting married one day, asked if I would be a good step Mom to his daughter, etc. He once said that he loved me. He called me every day, sometimes many times during the day. We had a great time together and I’d never fallen for anyone this way before. I could tell that he fell for me too. But I still had my doubts, as after a few months he started to run hot and cold, and seemed to back off after we would become closer. We never had a real conversation about things. I asked him at times why he didn’t want me to meet his friends and he would talk about how that wasn’t the stage we were at yet, etc. I know in hindsight that this may have been due to the nature of the situation, although I do think that he is likely slow to commit in the best of circumstances.

We had a big fight at one point because I was frustrated that he had backed off once again after a month or so of us growing really close. I went too far and when he suggested not talking for a little while because he was so busy with things and didn’t want me to be frustrated by our calls, I asked if he wanted to end things. Everything shifted after that, and a few weeks later he ended things.

At first he told me that he could continue seeing me, but that at some point he wants a serious relationship and couldn’t see that with me because I was still with someone else. He said that at some point he would meet someone he wanted to date and would have to move on, but hoped we could be friends. I asked what would happen if I were single, and he said that we could see one another but it would have to be casual for a while, that he would need time to see me differently. (During this conversation I made the mistake of saying that it was a significant thing to end things altogether with the other person, as he was my best friend and wanted to marry me. This made him back off and say “stay with him”). The next day, he called me and told me that he had to move on altogether, but that we would still be great friends, etc.

We didn’t talk much for a couple weeks after that. I ended things with my boyfriend around a week later, and told N about it. N started calling me pretty much daily again, then spending time with me, and was still affectionate, and often talked about things as though we were still together. He also started asking more questions again who my friends are, what I was up to, etc. I hoped that he wanted to start fresh, but after two months or so I started to wonder whether he really wanted something. We talked about going on a vacation together, and I wondered if we would be vacationing as something more. We were physical on occasion, but he told me that he didn’t want to sleep together, saying that of course we would in the future but it was too soon, and that he needed time not to feel like the other man. He once said something about not wanting any labels right now.

When I started asking him about things one night he said he didn’t want to discuss it at the time, and things went poorly. He told me that we’re just friends and he told me that he was moving on. I asked him why he said things about us being together in the future, why there was anything physical, etc, and he didn’t really respond (he was a jerk really, and said “you’ve never fooled around with anyone before?”, and “maybe I said those things”. He tends to lash out pretty badly when he feels confronted). I asked him why he didn’t want to sleep together and he said if we do that he wants to be sure it’s what he wants. He also made a comment about how if we were to try again after the situation we were in, it’s the sort of thing where people should wait a year or two first.

He called the next day and wanted to meet up and seemed to be trying, but I was too hurt and needed some space, and wasn’t particularly warm to him. He went out of town for work and when a friend asked, said to her that I wasn’t serious about things and he didn’t know if he could trust me. (I know this because N told me about the conversation). I took this to mean that maybe he wanted to discuss things.

I had a talk with him last week where I asked him just to listen and told him that I really regret how much I screwed up, but that I was with him for the right reasons, and that what we had between us was real. I explained that I wasn’t worried about losing a boyfriend, I was afraid of hurting someone so badly and losing a best friend. I told him that I understand if he feels he can’t trust me, it’s natural after the way things began, but that I was in a long distance relationship for many years and was never involved with anyone else. I know that he doesn’t want a relationship, but I told him that I would just like to spend time together–I’m not trying to jump into a relationship and I’m not concerned about labels right now. Of course I’m only interested anything with him because I think we really have something between us and could have something more down the line. I also said that the only way I can try to show him that he can trust me is if he’s open to letting me do so.

After I spoke, he said he wanted time to think about what I had said, but I haven’t heard back from him yet. We spoke the other day and I mentioned that I’d like to hear his thoughts, and he seemed a bit defensive, and told me that it “hasn’t been on his mind when he wakes up every morning”, and that what he will say to me won’t take long and it’s the same as discussions we’ve already had in the past. So, I assume he will say that he doesn’t want a relationship and that we can be friends, that he doesn’t know if we’ll date at some point.

So, that brings us up to date. I’m not sure what to do. I know the typical break up advice would be that I should back off. He’s had me around these last months in all the same ways he always has, and so it’s not as though he’s had to miss me or lose anything. But I also know that this situation is a bit different than the norm. He felt like the other guy. I hadn’t completely ended things with my ex while we were together. I can’t find any advice on how to deal with this situation–I only see suggestions for “normal” breakups and for situations where someone cheated. In the latter, the advice seems to be not to try to make him jealous, to accept being “punished”, to apologize and give the person lots of time and let him know that I’m still there. But that’s not entirely my situation either–he knew that I was involved with someone else, and I was honest with him, even if I didn’t do the right thing. I know that he has pride, but I don’t entirely understand why his breaking point was so severe–if I had broken up with my ex completely a month earlier, it seems we would be fine. And yet now, I don’t know that there’s anything I can do.

Please tell me what you think of this situation. Is he waiting to see if I go back to my ex? Is he stringing me along? Is he just confused? And what do I do–tell him that I can’t just be his friend and back off? Or do I keep the connection alive (as it is, I already let him call me–which he does pretty much daily). But then I worry that perhaps I’m too available and he won’t want me back if he has nothing to miss. I’m torn between wanting to reassure him and worrying that I’ll end up feeling used and resenting him if I stick around, not to mention that I definitely don’t want to be there for him as much as I am only to see him move on (I help him out with a lot of work related matters whenever he asks, and sometimes worry that maybe I’m just convenient for him).

Thanks so much for reading this (I’m sorry it was so long!) and I’d really appreciate your thoughts!

[Anonymous]

Move on. He isn’t interested in a committed relationship with you and he is stringing you along. Once you’re out of this situation for awhile (give it three months) with NO interaction, your head will be clearer, all the little details of your and his conversations will merge into one gigantic understanding: if you have to work that hard will someone, you are trying too hard and he just isn’t that into the relationship. I repeat: MOVE ON!

[Anonymous]

That’s a simple answer. But it’s the fact that I had someone else while I was with him that keeps me from being certain about whether I should, in fact, just move on. If he was just some guy I was seeing and that little complication had never been a factor, then of course, I would be gone by now. But I know that he did fall for me, I could see it, and know that a serious future crossed his mind.

I thought I could marry this guy, which I’ve never felt before (in my nearly 30 years). In hindsight, it seems obvious that having someone else in the picture for around 7 months while I was with N and not breaking it off would make him think that I wasn’t serious about him (how could it not?) So assuming that he had these insecurities the entire time we were together, and may now not be sure that he can trust me and has some negative feelings about what we had between us, what can I do? Even if it is a lost cause I at least want to know that I gave it a shot rather than wonder if things could have been different had I done things differently.

[Ask April Masini]

You’ve spun this situation to make yourself feel better instead of being straight with yourself. 😳 This guy didn’t just FEEL like the other man — he WAS the other man. You wanted relationship insurance so you held onto your long distance relationship [i]just in case[/i] this one didn’t work out. You didn’t want to end up alone, but the reality is that there is no such thing as relationship insurance. By the time you realized you wanted this new guy, it was too late because he didn’t want to be number two — and that’s what he was.

By the time you realized you’d made some basic mistakes, you tried to fix things with THE TALK. Men NEVER want to have “the talk” about the relationship, and you shouldn’t have to have one. His behavior will show you what the status of the relationship is.

RUN, don’t walk, and buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man!! Actually, there’s no running involved. You can order it online immediately here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], or online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

I think [b]katballoo[/b] has some valid advice, below.

I don’t think he’s waiting for you or stringing you along. And I don’t think you should stick around as his friend when that’s not what you want. I think you should move on, alone, and if he wants you, he’ll come after you, but you should look forward, not backwards.

I hope that helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

You’re right–I guess I say he felt like the other guy rather than he WAS the other guy because I knew that I wanted to be with him….I didn’t see him that way.

I normally would not have a talk about the relationship for the exact reason you set out, but I thought that in this situation I needed to let him know a few things. I didn’t ask him any questions or for a response, it was just a calm and short, few minutes talk (although he said he would think about it and get back to me). Maybe it was a mistake, but I was tired of being there for him and getting nothing in return, and wanted to ascertain whether he’s open to the possibility of seeing each other again or not.

Two questions: Since being his friend isn’t what I want, do I tell him as much, or simply leave things? He tends to call me a lot and I would need to say something rather than just avoiding his calls. And if he gets back to me to tell me what he thinks (I’m expecting it will be him saying that he doesn’t want a relationship and that we’re friends), do I just hear him out and not respond right away? Tell him I don’t see him as a friend?

PS–I really appreciate your advice, thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

I think that one of the things you’ve learned is that just because you see things a certain way doesn’t mean he does. Empathy is really important in relationship success. It’s hard enough trying to understand that men and women are so different, but if you can develop your empathy, you’ll at least be able to question whether or not he feels the same way you do. Just because you didn’t see him as the other guy doesn’t mean he saw himself as you did.

As for your other questions — take my advice from the last post and read Think & Date Like A Man. Everything you’re asking is answered in there. Here’s the link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You can also buy the book at Amazon.com or the website for Barnes & Noble. I appreciate your buying the book because it is going to help you and escalate the level or any future communications here, and because it helps support this free advice site! 😀

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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