[anonymouse2843]

We’ve been together for almost 4 years now and we’re going strong. However, the sex has gradually decreased on his part, from 9 times a week at the start of the relationship, to 1 time a week. In the last month, we basically haven’t had sex. He has been pushing me away. I’ve tried everything, from going for a more active role and pushing myself on him, to varying what I do, trying different things to arouse him, but it just makes it worse. So, for the past month I’ve stopped pressuring him completely. I want him to want to do it. But it’s now reaching the point where there is no end in sight. I’ve tried talking to him about it and told him I’m here for him if he needs to talk, but he just apologises and says he doesn’t know why but he’s just not horny at the moment. He insists that he still loves me and his feelings haven’t changed. He seems to be as genuinely confused by it as I am. He has no problem with getting a hard on, it’s just that he mentally doesn’t want to start doing anything, and if I try he pushes me away. He’s not stressed at work, not depressed, and there are no lifestyle changes. He has no problems with the act of having sex – his willy is great and gets hard same as usual – and he can get horny and cum. It is all in his head. I have been giving him space to allow him to work through it without pressure, to see if this helps. However, it’s just ongoing, and today was my birthday (and although this may seem immature) I was hoping for him to at least try for me tonight, even if it wasn’t full on sex. I don’t even need him to do anything – he can just lie there if he wants to! I waited for him to try something with me, but he didn’t. I gently made signs that I wanted to, but he complained that he was tired, sighed “oh no not tonight, I’m tired”. I can’t force myself on him as he gets angry. I never thought he would refuse me on my birthday. Does this sound silly? I love him so much, but now that he has refused sex even on my birthday, (and although I feel a bit immature for saying this) I’m starting to get emotionally hurt by this. If I was in his shoes, I’d have done anything for him on his birthday even if I wasn’t horny. But he just couldn’t be bothered. Am I wrong to feel angry or hurt about this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Unfortunately, you didn’t tell me your ages, which may have something to do with his waning sex drive. However, given what you did post, your boyfriend either has a physiological problem that a doctor needs to diagnose and treat, or a psychological one that he either wants to deal with or doesn’t — his choice.

So, the first thing I’d do if I were you is to explain to him how hurt and unfulfilled you are by the fact that your once fabulous sex life has ground to a halt. You have every right to have sex in a monogamous relationship — in fact, it’s not just a right, it’s healthy! 🙂 If he doesn’t care about your feelings, then you have a relationship deal breaker. If he does, then he’ll want to take responsibility for his part of the problem.

He may be able to tell you what’s wrong, but if he isn’t, then he needs to get a physical with a doctor and be honest with the doctor about the problem at hand. If the doctor can diagnose and treat him, then that’s the end of the problem. However, if the doctor says there is no physical problem, then you have to look at other factors.

Imagine if the tables were turned, and your boyfriend wanted sex, but you didn’t. You’d find a way to take care of him because you loved him and you’d understand that life is full of compromises, and sex can be one place where couples can (and usually do) compromise. If your boyfriend is willing to admit a waning sex drive, but still want to take care of you sexually, then that’s a compromise that you may be able to live with.

If he just doesn’t care about your sex life, and decides it’s your problem, then it’s time for you to consider the relationship an ending one. I know you’re trying and wanting to work this out, but it takes two people to make things work, and if he’s not willing, well, then it won’t work.

[anonymouse2843]

Thanks April! We are in our late 20s.

I have explained to him how much it is hurting me, and he just aplogises and apologises. He says he loves me so much and doesn’t want the relationship to end, but that he doesn’t know what he can do. He thinks he is ‘weird’ and has always had mood changes, but that he doesn’t understand why he is not wanting any physical affection (sex or hugs) for so long. He says he doesn’t know what to do, and doesn’t want to lose me. He says he can’t force himself to be affectionate, and to be honest I wouldn’t want him to – I’d want him to want to. He says he doesn’t want to see a counselor or a doctor. He said ‘No. I think this is just me. I don’t know. I don’t see how a counselor can help. It will only make things worse.’ I have tried to reason with him, saying things can’t get much worse, but he will not go. I told him I’d be happy to go with him, or if he wanted, I’d see one as well. I finally managed to persuade him to ‘think about it’.

He seems to genuinely care and genuinely want to sort it out, but is he willing to take the steps to do so? I don’t seem to be able to persuade him that there *are* any steps he can take. He just won’t believe me that the doctor or counsellor might be able to help, and thinks they might make it worse. And every minute, the explanations he says, changes. He is obviously confused. He has always been a personality who bottles things up – and then explodes in a big reaction and I wonder if this lack of sex drive is his latest way of expressing and letting everything out. I’m the opposite – I discuss things openly as they happen and get over it quickly. I know that a counsellor will help him, not just with our relationship but in his life. But I don’t know how to get him to go.

I’m so confused, so hurt, and frustrated, and so tired of playing guessing games. I don’t know what to do with this situation. Should I give him an ultimatum? ‘Go see a Counsellor/GP or I’ll leave you’? The idea of giving an ultimatum makes me feel like a horrible person.

What is going on is almost more painful than him just splitting up with me and being done with me. It feels like I’m being strung along as a ‘best friend’ for weeks and so frustrating to constantly want more than he does. As much as this is hurting me, I don’t think I could ever leave him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you need to give him an ultimatum. I think he’s already given you his answer: he won’t see a doctor, a counselor or change. His needs come before yours, and he won’t compromise.

I’m sorry you don’t feel you’re worth more, and write that “As much as this is hurting me, I don’t think I could ever leave him.” I think you have your answer: You’re going to stay and be hurt.

Unless one of you changes, this pattern will remain the same. 🙁

[anonymouse2843]

I do feel that I’m worth more than this, it makes me angry. But I don’t want to lose him and just don’t know what to do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t have everything, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. All men have sex drives that eventually wane, and their physiology begins to render it more difficult for them to get erections — with age. This should normally happen in their 40s, 50s or 60s, depending on their individual and family histories. That your boyfriend is in his 20s and doesn’t want to have sex with you is clearly a sign of a medical or emotional or social problem. Since he refuses to get help, he’s made himself very clear.

Your anger is understandable and justifiable, but the reality is that behind all anger is sadness and hurt. You’re being rejected, and I don’t recommend any woman — especially one as young and healthy as you, who isn’t married and doesn’t have children or any other good reason to stay — ever stay with a man who rejects her.

You can’t have him and have him treat you the way you want. He’s already said no that proposal. You can’t have a relationship with him without sex without becoming furious, bitter and sick, yourself.

You have no choice because there is a compatibility issue here that is a deal breaker.

Sorry. You tried. He’s not Mr. Right any more. 🙁

[anonymouse2843]

Hi April,

It reached the point where I split up with him but he didn’t believe I was really doing it. In the middle of the night I went crazy and just started smashing photos, I wanted to be rid of this joke of a relationship and couldn’t believe how he used to be so different. He has now changed his mind again (again, again), and is now saying he is happy to go counseling. He has suddenly turned around completely and has been being all nice, huggy and cuddly with me and is having sex again. He says he loves me so much and can’t bear the thought of losing me – and that he wants me to be happy. I’m pretty sure this whole thing was a psychological thing for him, as opposed to physical or medical. Everything seems to be back to normal. I feel relieved, although exhausted!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so glad that things are working out — and that you did the work required to change your relationship. (Applause!! 😆 )

Remember that enabling someone is not helping them or yourself, or the relationship. When you know what is right and healthy, it’s important to impose a boundary and say enough is enough. What that does is give your boyfriend (or whoever you’re dealing with) the opportunity to shape up or ship out. It gives him options.

In this case, your boyfriend decided your break up was more important to him than his psychological sexual hang ups, and he chose you over his own craziness. This speaks to his ability to make changes, and will serve him in the future. But I hope that you have learned that your instincts are good ones, and that this success will give you the courage to stand up for your convictions in all walks of life in the future.

[anonymouse2843]

Ahh dear… its all gone kinda flipped half back again.. he today told me that he has been ‘fighting’ who he really is and can’t continue to fight it, he wants me to appreciate him for who he ‘really is’ – and he says if that means some months he doesn’t want sex, some months he does, then thats just who he is. He also said that some months he will want and give loads of affection and some months he just won’t, won’t give me a hug or anything, and won’t want any in return – he said he’s a ‘complex person’, a bit like a cat, and that I should either accept it or leave. I asked him “why were you not like this for the first 3 years we were together?” and he didn’t really have an answer for me. He says “I’m just weird and moody, that’s who I am, I’m sorry, I really don’t want to hurt you which is why I’m going to stop making all these promises to be someone I’m not – because I’ve discovered I can’t keep these promises.” Tonight when we were having sex, he burried his head in the pillow, wouldn’t let me kiss him, and didn’t seem to be enjoying it. So I stopped and asked him “what’s wrong?” he shouted at me and told me not to stop. I am just so confused by this point. We’ve been together 3 and a half years, why is all of this suddenly happening after 3 years together. I thought this was finally sorted.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is deeply troubled. The picture is clear. If you don’t move on, at this point, you will be staying in a troubled relationship with your eyes wide open — a bad idea. 😥

You can’t help him. He doesn’t want to help himself. Believe that you deserve more — because it’s the truth. I know you’ve been together for three years, but if you waste one more minute with a guy who is so deeply troubled, you’re going to have to accept responsibility for your part in the relationship: staying.

It’s time for you to break up, heal and then get back out there. I know this is hard, but staying in a troubled relationship like this one will lead to misery.

[anonymouse2843]

Thank you April. I woke up this morning and now everything is back to normal – even better than normal – he is all over me, looking after me to the point of extreme, being SO nice and caring, it’s just such a turn around. I felt like crying and told him “Why can’t you be like this all the time?” He smiled and replied “I’ll try” and kept hugging and kissing me, and made me breakfast.. It’s so hard to leave someone you love when they’re being so nice and loving in return. Is this still your advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I hope that the last month where you’ve had no sex at all, is just a glitch. But if you find it isn’t, re-read your posts and mine and those should help you.

[Ethan Morales]

You are not wrong to feel hurt, angry, or disappointed. Sex is a basic and important part of a committed relationship, and his refusal even on your birthday signals that something deeper is going on. Since he’s physically capable, this is almost certainly a mental or emotional block. He either needs to figure out what’s causing this himself or he may need professional help to uncover underlying issues.

It’s important to communicate clearly how this affects you emotionally. You deserve a partner who cares about your needs and is willing to address intimacy issues. If he refuses to work on this or shows no concern for your feelings, that’s a serious relationship red flag. Compromise is one thing, but complete disinterest in fulfilling your sexual and emotional needs crosses a line.

Ultimately, this is about whether he’s willing to take responsibility for his part in the relationship. If not, it may be time to seriously consider whether staying in this relationship is fair to you, because a healthy, loving partnership requires effort and mutual care in all areas including intimacy.

[Natalie Noah]

This situation is such an emotional rollercoaster one moment things feel normal or even wonderful, and the next, you’re back in a cycle of rejection, confusion, and hurt. From the very start, your boyfriend’s behavior shows a deep inconsistency between what he says he feels and how he acts. It’s clear that he genuinely cares about you and loves you, but love alone doesn’t create a healthy, stable relationship. Emotional availability, willingness to work through problems, and consistent intimacy are equally important, and right now, those are fluctuating wildly.

It also seems like his issues are rooted in deeper psychological struggles rather than physical ones. The way he shuts down, refuses counseling, and alternates between being affectionate and completely withdrawn is a pattern that suggests he’s struggling with himself more than with the relationship. And while you’re patient, nurturing, and trying to understand him, it’s taking a serious toll on your emotional well-being. Feeling hurt, angry, and exhausted in a relationship is your body and heart signaling that your needs are not being met consistently which is not a reflection of your worth, but of the compatibility and health of the relationship.

The flip-flopping behavior moments of extreme affection followed by withdrawal is particularly dangerous because it conditions you to stay, hoping things will get “back to normal,” and gives him the power to control your emotions without taking responsibility. April’s advice about setting boundaries and recognizing when enough is enough is crucial here. You’ve done everything you can: communicated openly, suggested counseling, given space, and tried to support him. But at the end of the day, he has to want to work on himself and be consistent. If he can’t, it’s not fair to you to keep sacrificing your happiness for the hope that he might change.

What I see here is a classic pattern of loving someone who’s not fully capable of meeting you halfway emotionally, physically, or psychologically. Even though the moments of love and attention feel amazing, they are interspersed with hurt, and that’s unsustainable long term. My gentle, loving advice? You need to step back and really evaluate what you deserve in a partner. You are worthy of a relationship where your needs, including intimacy, affection, and stability, are consistently met. If this pattern continues, it’s likely to erode your self-esteem and happiness, no matter how much you love him. Sometimes, loving someone enough to let go is the bravest act of all.

[Tara]

You are in a relationship where you’re starving for intimacy, and he’s acting like sex is a chore he has to avoid. That’s not a “mystery.” That’s a massive imbalance you’re too afraid to call what it is: a rejection that’s slowly eroding your self-worth.

You’ve been bending yourself into shapes trying to fix a problem he’s not even lifting a finger to solve. You’ve changed your approach, you’ve stopped pressuring him, you’ve created a soft landing for every excuse he gives you. And what has he done?

Nothing. He shrugs, apologises, acts confused, and then continues the exact behaviour that’s killing the relationship. That’s not confusion, that’s complacency. He doesn’t have to change because you keep absorbing the emotional damage for him.

His body works. His mind works. His excuses don’t. If he truly cared about how this affects you, he’d be in a doctor’s office, a therapist’s office, or at minimum having real conversations instead of brushing you off like you’re asking him to assemble furniture. If he’s capable of getting horny and finishing but somehow still “too tired” for you, especially on your birthday, the problem isn’t biology; it’s priority.

You’re not wrong to feel hurt. You’re wrong to act like his behaviour is anything but a flashing red warning sign. Wanting intimacy with your partner isn’t immature; expecting your partner to show effort on your birthday isn’t unreasonable. What’s unreasonable is you’re convincing yourself that you should settle for someone who shows zero urgency about a problem that’s tearing you apart.

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