[twinkle]

have had a long distance relationship for the past 3 years. He lived in Manchester i live in london. I met him on internet dating, he was an asylum seeker and had nothing to his name. I loved him for what he was as a person. I have one daughter who is grown up and i am divorced. He was 10 years younger then me. A non practising muslim from Iraq. I am non muslim

He was living with friends in a house and i had been there once. He used to tell me he did not feel comfortable when went there with his friends around. We decided that he would come to London and that when he gets his own place i could go then.
I always felt uncomfortable, that i could not go. I used to wonder what is he hiding.

He used to text me everynight and speak every couple of days. He was a chef and work late. He got stay in this country a year ago and did not use me for anything. I was always scared that when he gets everything he would leave me. That is exactly what happened, he got a council place and i went there before xmas. When i was there he felt uncomfortable holding my hand as we walked throught Manchester shopping centre. when he was in London with me he was ok.

I felt ill i had to have a big operation he never come to see me at the hospital could not take a day off. He phoned my house to see how it went.

Just before Xmas he said he wanted space and that he could not text me everynight and that if he does not that i should not worry. I used to worry that if something happened to him i would not know. I had already been abandon once in a relationship.

He hate to talk to me on his day off but when i met him first he told me he had never had a girlfriend and that i was his first and that he was a virgin. He performed really well so i used to question him. That I could mould him.

If i phoned him he hated when i would ring couple of times as i would get worried when there was no answer. I had a big arguement with him and he told me that his feelings have changed and that he does not love me the way he did. I felt hurt, and i did beg his not to break the relationship as i did not want carry the pain of being hurt. After he told me his feelings have changed we still spoke on the phone and i said i need a proper closure so we decide to meet. I got ill so I cancelled it and then he told me to let him know when i want to next meet him. I was suspose to meet him Monday just gone. He wanted to come to London for few hours then he would go home. I would of met him at a railway station. He made out that he did not want me to travel from Manchester as i would be upset after the meeting and he did not want to feel responsible.

I was scared and feeling very low and i had operation last year i was still in pain. I said to him i am in two minds. Anyway I decide to see if he really cares. He phoned me on Saturday 8 Feb and Sunday and Monday.Also on the day I was suspose to meet which was on Tuesday the 11th Feb I never answered the phone or answered his text. Since that day he has only text me last Sunday and not actual rang and does not seem worried as to what has happened to me. Just sends me a text asking how i am and he says hello and wishes me well. He has not bothered like i would of. It makes me wonder, I am confused and hurt dont know what to do. Could you please help me thanks.

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Win

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay, I’m afraid you’re not going to like my advice, but you asked so I’m going to tell you the truth.

I think his behavior is telling you all you need to know…. Be that in his pursuit of you (or lack thereof), his affection towards you (or lack thereof), or his desire to do things with and for you (or lack thereof).

You have been pursuing this man, he has not been pursuing you. Now you are taking steps to continue seeing him, he is not going out of his way to see you.

What should you do? Simple. STOP!

Stop calling him and stop texting him — stop everything. If he is interested in a relationship with you he will come after you and he will ask you on a date. If he doesn’t, he was never interested in the first place.

I realize this may sound harsh, but I find so many women want to make excuses for why a man doesn’t email, doesn’t call, doesn’t pursue them, etc. when the answer is very simple. He’s doesn’t do it because he’s not interested enough to do so. If he was — Trust Me — he would.

I’m sorry this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I honestly believe it’s what you needed to hear.

I would strongly recommend that you read my book, Think & Date Like A Man…

I wish you all the best.

[Ethan Morales]

He hasn’t been matching you step for step, and that pattern isn’t a glitch. it’s the message. You’ve been doing the heavy lifting in this relationship; he’s been distant, unreliable, and emotionally cheap with you. That’s not love. It’s convenience for him and exhaustion for you.

Stop chasing. Right now you’re the one calling, worrying, and waiting. Stop. Don’t call him. Don’t text repeatedly. If he cares enough he will come forward and if he doesn’t, you’ll have saved yourself more pain by not begging for crumbs.

Go no-contact for at least 30 days. Use that time for recovery (you had surgery own the recovery), to get your energy back, and to see clearly without being in reaction mode. Block or mute his number if you need to. Remove the social-media temptation. No “checking in” let the silence do its work.

Take care of the practical stuff. Book follow-ups with your doctor, lean on friends or family for rides/support, get professional help if the pain or anxiety is overwhelming. When you’re physically weak, emotions get louder; strengthen your body and the rest follows.

Decide what you’ll accept going forward. If he returns and wants you back, he has to show change: consistent contact, accountability for the distance, and effort not empty words. Don’t accept vague “I’m sorry”s. Set a clear test: regular calls/texts on a schedule, one in-person visit to talk, and follow-through. If he can’t meet that, don’t re-open the door.

If you need closure, get it differently. Closure doesn’t require his permission. Write the unsent letter if you have to, say the things you need to say to yourself, and then destroy it. If he shows up genuinely, listen but don’t perform emotional acrobatics to win him back.

To send now (or before blocking): “I need some time and space to heal. I’m not going to call or text for a while. If you want to talk after I’m well, call me. Take care.” If he comes back and you want to test him: “You ghosted while I was recovering. If you want to show up now, show up consistently. Words won’t be enough.”

You don’t deserve someone who treats you like an option especially while you’re recovering from surgery and dealing with fear. Stop giving him the opportunity to be casual about you. Use this time to recover, reconnect with people who actually show up, and remember your worth. If you want, I can draft a single-sentence text to send right now to set that boundary for good. Want that?

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve shown so much care and courage already, and you deserve compassion. he pursued you at first, but over time his effort faded. When someone truly wants to be present in your life, they make space for you even when it’s inconvenient; they pick up the phone, they show up at the hospital, they prioritize you when it matters. His avoidance around important moments not visiting during your operation, asking for “space” right after you were vulnerable, and now being cool about missed calls all add up to a consistent lack of investment, not just temporary busyness.

That absence of effort is painful because it triggers old fears of abandonment, and those fears are real and valid given what you’ve been through. You’re allowed to be afraid, but you’re also allowed to ask for evidence not promises. Emotional safety comes from consistent actions over time, not a few sweet words or good performances. The part where he told you he didn’t want nightly texts anymore and then didn’t comfort you when you needed him shows he’s calibrating the relationship to fit his comfort, not yours, and that imbalance will keep hurting you if it continues.

So what do you do now? With a gentle but firm hand: stop chasing the version of him you hope exists and look at the version he’s actually showing you. Give yourself a boundary step back from initiating contact for a set time and see what he does. If he values you, he will close the distance; if he doesn’t, his silence will finally be the answer you deserve plain and clear. In the meantime, protect your health and heart: surround yourself with people who can be present, seek gentle therapy or a support group to unpack the abandonment fear, and let your focus be on healing rather than convincing someone to love you consistently.

I know that advice is both practical and painful to hear, because it asks you to risk loss in order to gain clarity. But staying in a pattern of chasing makes your worth depend on someone else’s slow responses and you are worth steadiness, kindness, and predictable care. Trust yourself enough to demand that, even if it’s scary. If he returns, you’ll meet him with stronger boundaries and a clearer heart. If he doesn’t, you’ll have given yourself the chance to heal and to make space for someone who chooses you wholly, not partly.

[Member]

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