[mr_dumb]

I’ve been in an on/off relationship with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years. We dated on and off, and during one of the off periods she dated other guys. We got back together and then realized she was pregnant, but the baby was not mine. We stayed together for a couple of months, broke up because of my problem with the child not being mine, then got back together after the baby was born and I’ve now been with her for 5 months.

For the past 4 months we’ve started having horrible arguments and long sleepless nights. I’m starting to feel less of an attraction to her because of all the arguing, which is mostly because she says I don’t show her enough affection but I feel that I do. I’m constantly told that I don’t talk enough, I’m not paying attention to her, and there’s constant bickering and uncomfortable nights.

My problem is that the arguing and constant blame for things has caused me to lose a lot of interest in the relationship. We’ve tried counseling, I’m on medication for ADD, and she has admitted feeling insecure and anxious about the fact that I may leave her. I’m not sure I can look past all the bickering and bad moments to salvage the relationship now. I think I’ve stayed in the relationship because I do love her and want her to be happy but I’m not sure I can provide her with everything she needs anymore.

I’m concerned about leaving because I love her and love her child but the relationship is starting to affect both of us mentally. I’ve even reached the point where I sometimes dread having to go home and be around her because it’s so uncomfortable and I’m on guard for another fight.

Is this relationship doomed, or is this just growing pains of living together?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your girlfriend is projecting her fears of abandonment onto you — when they really have more to do with other people in her life, and are not problems that YOU can help her with or solve for her. Her upset at not getting enough attention has more to do with the fact that she’s not living with or dating the father of her new baby. But since he’s not around for her to get upset at, you’re the target.

Your wanting her to be happy is noble, but shortsighted. She has problems that she needs to sort out and as long as you’re around, you’re going to help her cloud the issue so she can avoid the real deal. She may bounce around from guy to guy looking for attention and a sense of security to heal old wounds, but that’s not your fault or your problem or your issue to fix (you can’t).

Unfortunately, the best thing you can do for all three of you (she, yourself and the baby) is to move on. You’ll eventually be relieved, but it will be hard in the short run. Look to the horizon. Keep your eye on the ball. Move on.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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