[MaggieY]

Me and my fiancée have been together for a while. When we first met him and his at the time current girlfriend were having a lot of issues. They had been together for 5 years and had even had a child together. They eventually broke up (I had nothing to do with it) and a little while later I started dating him. I knew that he had a child and I should have known what I was getting into but recently it’s been kind of hard to handle. He does not pay child support (him and the mother agreed upon that) but he does still pay $300 a month for her car, her car insurance, her phone bill and a $50 credit card. He’s a mechanic so anytime she needs something (even if it’s just adding coolant, he’s rushing to help her. He gets the child on the weekends and I am perfectly fine with that. Recently I feel like they have been talking more and more. I’m trying to keep my trust in him but it seems she’s finding every reason to talk to him. I’ve tried having conversations with him about it and he just says that it’s because of the kid. They’ll spend 20 minutes on the phone with each other everyday and if not its texting. They still share a bank account and that’s what the other half of the conversations are being blamed on, finances. When we have the child I am constantly being reminded that I’m not his mother. I understand that and I’m not trying to take the role of her but being constantly reminded that is bothering me. I don’t trust the mother, and I feel like she would do something to get him back. I understand the pictures of the child she sends but the constant texting is getting out of hand. I’ve tried talking to him about this and about how in some ways he’s still acting like he’s married to her but the only excuse I get in return is that it’s for the child and he doesn’t want to have to pay child support. What are your opinions on how I should handle this situation?

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in a little further. 😉

How old are you both?

How long have you been dating, and when did you get engaged?

Do you have a wedding date?

Was he married to his ex? Or were they just dating?

It’ll be easier to give you advice with this information.

[MaggieY]

We are 23. We have been dating for a little over a year and a half and got engaged on Christmas. We have not officially scheduled a wedding date but are arranging around Christmas of this year

[MaggieY]

Oh and they were dating. At one point they were planning on marrying but problems in their relationship ended the idea.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it! Thanks for filling me in. It helps.

When you date a single parent, you don’t just have to deal with potential in-laws. You have to deal with step-children, and co-parenting with your fiancee’s ex. Nobody who gets involved realizes the extent of the relationship dynamics — but that doesn’t mean you can’t get through this. 😉 Here are a couple of tips.

* His ex is the mother of his child, who will be your step-child. You will have to forge a relationship with her, and it’s a tricky one in most instances. Don’t try to cut her out. Do try to woo her. Don’t expect her to like you — you threaten her on a good day, and she thinks you’re going to replace her on a bad day. That’s just the nature of the beast. Be sensitive to her plight — even if she’s the one who caused the breakup between herself and your fiancee.

* Be prepared for her to go to court and request child support. Any agreement she and your fiancee made can be changed. It may not come to that, but if it does, welcome the boundaries.

* Your jealousy about your fiancee’s relationship with his ex is understandable. I don’t know the circumstances of their breakup, but if you think she’s a real threat, then approach the situation with sugar, not vinegar. In other words, instead of confronting your fiancee and demanding he not talk to her, or limit his contact with her, dial up your own assets and be a more convincing and effective fiancee. You’ve got competition. Bring your A game, not your finger-pointing and blaming him.

* As for the joint bank account, there are some reasons that it may be a helpful tool for co-parenting and not intended to shut you out. I think that for now, you should let this one go. When you do get married, you’ll have some legal interest in it, but for now, without a wedding date and still in the engagement period, I think bringing it up is going to provoke a fight that has more to do with your feelings of jealousy than the bank account.

[Sally]

What’s happening here isn’t just co-parenting. He’s still financially and emotionally entangled with his ex in ways that go way beyond what’s needed for the child. Paying her car, phone, insurance, sharing a bank account, daily long phone calls that is still acting like a couple. Calling it “for the child” doesn’t automatically make it healthy or fair to you.

You’re not wrong for feeling uneasy. And you’re not trying to replace the child’s mother. Being constantly reminded that you’re “not his mom” is unnecessary and hurtful. You’re his partner, and you deserve respect in your own home.

Here’s the hard truth: this won’t get better unless he is willing to change how he handles boundaries with her. Not you trusting harder. Not you swallowing it. He has to untangle his life from hers if he wants a future with you.

Before you get married, this needs to be addressed clearly. Ask him what life looks like after marriage. Separate finances. Limited, child-focused communication. Real boundaries. If he can’t or won’t do that, you need to seriously pause and ask yourself what you’re signing up for.
You’re not being jealous. You’re asking for a place that actually feels like first place.

[Member]

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