[marajade]

Ok, so here’s my story:
I met this guy in September, he seemed like a really really great guy. We had the same major and I gave him my number. I don’t even really know why, I wasn’t attracted to him in any way. Well, he started texting me and eventually asked me out and I accepted. We had a great evening, we seemed to have a lot in common, and I was able to be myself around him. but I had figured this would probably be the only time that we would go out because I wasn’t generally interested in him. But after hearing a sob story that now I don’t even know is true, we ended up kissing. Half of the night at his place. About two in the morning he started telling me how he was feeling that we should be getting married. I had never had a boyfriend before, and I had only been kissed one other time, not to mention I’m fairly naieve so when he told me that I went a little crazy and thought it was great. And it felt right. But looking back at it now I realized that I was infatuated.
Anyways, about two weeks later, he started talking to me about his “imaginations” of us having sex together, and was laying on top of me, thrusting and touching me inappropriately. And as time went on he started asking me more and more to spend the night at his house, then eventually asking me to have sex with him. I don’t believe in having sex before marraige (and he didn’t either supposedly) so my answer was always a resounding NO.
After a month of this constant asking and begging, my emotions took over my logic and I gave in. Little did I realize that I was being raped. I practically moved in with him and stopped going to classes. This lasted for a couple of weeks but then I started telling him we needed to stop. And I was trying my hardest but he kept seducing me back into doing it. And even sometimes when i would tell him no, he would start apologizing profusely and then start to go into this shell where he would pout, by then I’d seen enough of it and so in order to keep him happy I would tell him that it was fine.
During all of this he started to become emotionally abusive (the pouting shell, sometimes he would go for hours and wouldn’t talk or even sometimes look at me when he got upset about something, a good chunk of the time it was something insignificant that i had done) And he was also controlling, we started fighting a lot, and he was manipulative. There were days that he manipulated me into not going to class.
Finally a week before christmas, we got into a fight where he was tearing me down for something I liked. I had moved back to my apartment by then so I finally kicked him out of my apartment. Then I broke down into tears, by now I was a completely different person, i was horribly self consious, constantly under stress, and I had gained twenty pounds, I stopped taking care of myself and I even was stopping putting on makeup and everything because he told me he didn’t like it. So I called my mom and told her the entire story. Of course, i thought that he and I had “slipped” but I later realized that it was actually consensual rape.
So I came home and called everything off. I sent him back his stuff as well as my rings and got completely away from him.
You’re probably thinking to yourself why I’m posting if this has been taken care of, but here’s my real question in a minute. Since leaving him I’ve had four relapses and gone back and spent time with him. The last time I almost went back into a relationship with him but after considering everything i said no and we split up in an arguement. He hasn’t called me, it’s always something I have to do because it’s never his fault.
He claims we slipped, and that I gave him indications that I wanted the sex before it happened which wasn’t true.
So, here is my problem. Since leaving him this last time I’m determined to stay away. He’s not worth it and I know that, but sometimes it gets so hard to not have a guy I can go to when I’m having a hard day because I haven’t really been successful in dating. I can’t seem to attract men, and it was the same thing before my ex. Not to mention, I’m going through these phases where I’m craving the sex which scares me because It’s wrong in my opionion to have sex before you’re married. But I have been so tempted the last few weeks to call my ex and have him come over and have sex with me, which he will. He always will if I ask him.
Basically, I need to learn how to controll it so I don’t eventually call him, because if I do and I have sex again that relapse will be worse than the previous four. Any ideas on how to calm my emotions down? especially when i do get a new boyfriend, if I get one, I don’t want to be getting horney all the time.

[Ask April Masini]

First and foremost, you were not raped and there is no such thing as “consensual rape”. You agreed to have sex with your boyfriend over and over the same way you agreed to give him your phone number, text back and forth with him, go out on a date with him, go back to his apartment with him, make out with him until two in the morning with him, and after dating for a month, finally have sex with him. So before you start accusing someone of a serious crime, you need to start taking responsibilities for yourself and your own actions. I don’t know your age because you haven’t disclosed it, but since you seem to be in college, you must be at least 18 years old. It’s time for you to live your own life now and not be a victim to your fantasies.

Your biggest problem is that you have low self esteem, and admittedly have trouble attracting men. I can help you with this problem if you’re willing to do the work. This starts with required reading. You need to buy my book and download it here (it’s only $15.95 and will be a lot cheaper than hours and hours of thearpy): [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Read this book this week and this weekend — it’s a short and easy read, and it will help you understand that the woman who gets the guy is not the Cindy Crawford look alike. She is most often not the most attractive woman in any room — but she has confidence and she knows what she’s good and not so good at, and she plays up her assets. Men love women who are confident — and if you read this book, you’ll figure out how to gain your confidence back again.

And while you’re building your self esteem by reading this book, you need to stay away from your ex-boyfriend. It’s pretty simple because all you have to do is not contact him and if you feel like you’re going to, have three designated girlfriends who you call instead. Tell them in advance that you need help staying away from this guy until you finish reading my book and working on your self esteem, and have them talk you out of contacting your ex-boyfriend until you’re well enough to understand he’s a bad option for you.

Your sex drive is normal for your age, and you can masturbate if you don’t want to have sex with anyone, or you can decide that you do want a sex life with a man who values and loves you — which will take a little work to find, but will be worth it in the long run.

I hope that helps.

[marajade]

Thanks, that is great help.
I guess my main question now is instead of acting like a victim how do I think of my past experience with my boyfriend. I do feel like he pressured me, and was constantly asking to have sex with me until I finally gave in. There were also some other factors that led to me giving in as well, my emotions ran too high and I didn’t want to say no, even though I had previously. I guess I grew tired of saying no to him when my emotions were high and I thought I loved him.
What would you call that?

[Anonymous]

You weren’t strong enough. You should have taken yourself out of the situation and realized if someone keeps asking and is your bf and you have had a conversation about how you are not interested in sex until marriage then he was not the right person for you. He did not have the same beliefs. If you believed in it so strongly you should have removed yourself. Both parties were at fault. You are responsible for your actions. Just don’t get yourself into that situation. and if you don’t want sex but still have the urges get a vibrator to take care of yourself.

[Ask April Masini]

There are two ways you can recognize your behavior that led you to have sex with your ex-boyfriend. The first thing you need to understand is that you had sexual feelings, and you expressed them. It’s hard to believe that you didn’t want to have sex with him each and every time you did. So if you accept your sexuality, you don’t have to blame him for allegedly forcing you into having sex — you had it because you wanted to.

And if you truly didn’t want to have sex, then you were weak enough to give in against your wishes. Saying no takes strength sometimes. You have a responsibility to yourself and to anyone with whom you’re in a relationship to be strong enough to represent yourself honestly. If you can’t say no to a man then you have no business going on a date at all. Every man expects a woman to be honest with him about whether or not she wants to have sex with him and if you say one thing, but do another, you’re basically lying to him. And that’s not the way to be in a relationship.

Men want sex, and while many wait — they don’t wait forever. It’s a natural urge, and you need to understand that. If you don’t want to have sex with a man until marriage, you need to be clear and strong on that point, and if he doesn’t agree with you on it, you either change your own ways or accept your incompatibility and don’t date him.

It sounds simple, but I know that for you this is going to be a challenge. If your emotions are too wild, then give yourself a LOT of cooling off time and limit the amount of time you spend with other people until you can get a handle on matching your emotions with the way you want to behave.

I hope that helps.

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