[Tarun]

It’s very complicated, so i’m going to try to simplify things (very hard – basically impossible).

I met this girl one and a half year ago. First, I considered her as a girl with whom I can just get some sexual experience and was only intending to have fun (nothing serious). About a month later, after having seen her everyday,I started realizing that she’s been hurt many times before and she did not want to be disappointed (that’s what I realized but forgot over time).

Anyways, she was feeling ok with me but she was thinking “he’s got so many things to change but he will be fine”. In short, she spend a year “trying to educate me” – but now, when she looks back and feels “the time she spent trying to make me a better man for our relationship was useless”. I improved many things there’s no doubt – but in her eyes not enough.

She wanted us to move together but I never took the decisions she was hoping for to take. After many months she kept on telling me if you don’t do things right it’s not going to work out and you will loose me – but I did not take her words and feelings seriously enough at that time.

She has been having this feeling for many years – I need to get married and want to be mother. At first my plans (before meeting her) were to get married in ten years! We argued a lot but made me realize benefits of getting married early. But our relationship was just not growing the way she was hoping I could make it grow. But in my heart, I knew she was the one I want to be with forever but was postponing all actions and was thinking – no worries I still have a lot time she’s not going go to any other guy.

I asked her to get engaged, but had lied to her about many small things before – she did not feel my proposal was honest. So she said half yes, but I understand her somehow because the night before I proposed we had settled, since our relationship is not working out – let’s at least keep it to fun. I agreed to this, but said so just for the moment. The next day I told her that it’s impossible for me to think of her as just fun and she got so angry that we could not take any decisions that I could stick to! So I went and bought her the engagement ring, because I thought like that she would really take it seriously that I m not only with her to have fun (now I realize there were other ways to prove her that).

From the beginning she had be trying and putting all her effort to make our relationship work, where as I was more enjoying and not really caring as much as she was. But then a month later she felt I was just not serious about the engagement and still had the same attitude as before. So she gave me the ring back and basically told me you’re really not the guy I met and thought you were. I realize at the beginning of our relationship I cared more about impressing her and letting her have a good image of me.

During the time we were “engaged”, she put extra effort (which actually I should have done) and convinced her father to buy her an apartment for her to have a real place to build a family (thing that I should have done), because we were both living in separate rents. So she did convince him.

Now we have not been together as couple for the last 4 months – but I feel she knows that I care about her and want to be with her forever – I have told her a million times (but apparently not acted as if). She is disappointed with men in general now! It’s true I lied many times and have lost her trust. My attitude and behavior have deceived her, there is no doubt about it! I realize I did wrong in many things! Never been violent or intentionally wanted to hurt her feelings!

I know that she wants ME to find the solution for us to be together again. Because now she struggled on her own with the whole of our relationship to make it work – so she expects me – if I ever want to be together with her again – that this time I should struggle and strive for our relationship if I really care about her!

The issue is that now she is almost finished with 6 months of working hard to get her new apartment ready (everything from scratch) – without me helping (or very very little) and she feels i let her down in the most important moment of our relationship building a house together. This is the real problem, I feel that she wants me to prove to her that I can make it work for us! LAst night she still told me – IT’S IMPOSSIBLE there’s nothing left to fix our situation.

Basically in her view there is no way I can move in with her – because I did not help in the process of building a place for us and if I get a new and better place – she does not want to move in because – she just spent 6 months getting her apartment ready and put an enormous amount of effort!

She feels she needs that man next to her to comfort her, take care and solve all the issues – but she knows I m not capable of it right now and fears I never will be. I know she wants a family, a child but can’t wait anymore for me to “grow up” and provide her that.

The advice I need:
I am in this situation where I am still in love and know that she still somehow hopes I can change (a miracle – in her point of view), but she cannot conceive us being together again after I let her down so badly in the moment she needed me the most! I want to suggest to her a realistic solution for her to consider in the current situation and for us to get back together. She tells me I do not need you in 2 years anymore, I need you today – but if we live in two different apartments how can we build a family together? She does not see a solution, but hopes for me to suggest a good one and a realistic one – not something impossible.

Sorry for this long message, but for your understanding I had to… This is only the overview, as you can imagine, without all the real details.

I would be very grateful if you could give some realistic advice and perhaps help us get back together!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re making this more difficult than it is. The reality is that you are not her Mr. Right. She wants a man who will commit to supporting a wife and family and who wants to marry and build that family together now. You don’t. You can string her along as you have for all this time, but the bottom line is you’re not the guy who has a job that makes enough money to support a wife and child, so don’t lie to yourself and her that you are. You’re not ready to get married, and you might as well be honest with yourself about that.

She’s not the right woman for you and you’d do a lot better to move on and find someone who is. If you stay with her you’re going to have more misery and so is she.

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