[smartsexy007]

Dear April,

I have been seeing a guy since October 2009 that I have known for over 20yrs. He has been separated from his wife for over a year and living on his own. He has two children ages 5 and 8. I have an 8yr old daughter and have been divorced for 6yrs. Our relationship has turned into something that neither of us expected but we have confided in each other and have grown very close and intimate.

During this time he is going though a divorce that at first seemed like a walk in the park but things have gotten ugly and it has caused him a lot of pain and rejection. He tells me he NEVER had a clue his wife was so unhappy and never thought he would EVER get divorced. She basically came home one day and said “I don’t love you anymore get out!” It’s hard for me to imagine that he never saw this coming?! Especially due to the fact that there were problems in his marriage with money…(which we all know causes most marriages to split) He did not keep steady employment while they were married and she is a doctor who makes at least 250K a year. (Don’t be mad…but I learned this by reading the affidavit his x-wife sent him when she filed for divorce and by his own admission to me through numerous conversations) He also told me she didn’t want him to work because she admitted that she made enough money for the family so she didn’t want him to be miserable doing something he hated. They also employed a full-time nanny (so it’s not like he was Mr. Mom or anything) although he told me he made dinner every night and took care of the kids till his wife came home from work.

Last year when his wife threw him out he got a one bedroom apartment and obtained a job with his Uncle’s company (that he had previously) and is doing well but making only about 50K a year. He came from a very poor family (they were on welfare) and for the last 12 yrs (while married) he has not been denied anything of material possession and lived in a million dollar home, great car, etc. While married he also went back to school and got his MBA. His Aunt and Uncle have no children so his master plan is to take over his Uncle’s company when he gets his divorce settlement.

In the meantime our relationship has become am emotional roller coaster. The other night he came over for dinner and said he couldn’t stay because he had a fight with his x-wife. He then told me it was their Anniversary today. So I said why did you call your x-wife on your anniversary??? He said he called to say good night to the kids (as he always does each night) and his x-wife got on the phone. He didn’t tell me what happened next but I can only imagine what transpired. He came into my apartment and had dinner with me but was in a foul mood the entire time. I told him I didn’t need the “drama” in my life and he needs to move on. Then he got mad about my friends cousin (who is 26 yrs old) who dropped me a note on facebook to just said hello. He abruptly left my apartment and text me a bunch of notes like….please let me be in my misery….I can’t endure anymore feeling of rejection or jealousy…leave me alone…you will never know this pain…I can’t be hurt again…I am now a woman hater…they always screw you!

I have done nothing but try to be a good friend and listener through his ordeal but this is turning out to be more drama than I bargained for.  I care about him but I realize he needs to get through this on his own. I don’t want to date other people but I’m sure you will advise me that it in MY best interest. He text me today and wants to talk when I am ready. I told him I needed a few days to think some things through.

Please advise.

Thanks 

[Ask April Masini]

When your boyfriend’s divorce is finalized he will have a little more peace than he does now. My guess is that his soon to be ex-wife is not happy that he is dating you. Even the ex who leaves gets very angry when the one he or she left starts finding shreds of happiness with someone else. 😕

That said, the bottom line for you is to decide if he’s READY to be in a relationship. From what you describe he’s not. He needs to finalize his divorce and custody schedule. The court’s orders will give him a shot at peace. The emotional separation from his soon to be ex-wife has more to do with his ability and readiness to move on.

My advice is to return his call and talk to him if you want to be a supportive friend, but remember that friendships go both ways and someone who can only take but can’t give isn’t friend material — let alone boyfriend material. If you’d rather not take his call that’s okay, too. But you can’t date someone who’s in chronic turmoil. It’s not healthy and there’s nothing in it for you.

I hope that helps, and I hope you’ll join me on Facebook at AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[smartsexy007]

April,

I don’t think I made my situation clear so I need to clarify something. My boyfriend and I started seeing each other in Oct 2009 and he had been living on his own since May 2009. He was already in his routine with his kids and not having ANY issues with soon to be x-wife because they agreed to put off the divorce preceedings till after the holidays. He and I had spent ALOT of time together dining out, movies, going to the gym together etc. Their was NO DRAMA at all between him and the soon to be x-wife….until he got himself a lawyer (I recommended mine) and he finally put in writing what he is looking for as far as a settlement. He told me they were going to be amicable and all he wanted was a 50/50 split. She hired the best attorney in NYC and refused his offer of a 50/50 split and offered 75/25 (to him!) he was really upset. It wasn’t until then i think he realized this wasn’t going to be so easy.

Since this started in March whenever he has to deal with her directly it effects him and he reacts very emotionally and it sometimes ruins our evening or whatever we have planned and I take it personally. Sometimes I feel like I just want to say “get over it!” I hate to see him upset and I really feel that if someone tells me they don’t love me then just move on…but i know everyone is different. My girlfriend says that I’m not being fair to him because it won’t be over for him until the divorce is complete. My friend also tells me its not about me..ughhh LOL

Perhaps your advice in my last question still stands but I have to ask again ….do I walk away from a relationship that was going well or do I wait it out till his divorce is final over?

Please advise

[Ask April Masini]

Sorry, but I think I TOTALLY understood everything you wrote, and my advice stands. 😕 Divorce is difficult, as you’re finding out by having a front row seat to your boyfriend’s. 😳 When his divorce is finalized, he won’t have to fight any more. There will be a judgment and all he will have to do is abide by it. Right now, he’s fighting for what he wants and battle is exhausting. He’s spilling his frustration and anger onto you and your relationship and it’s definitely not fair, but it is understandable.

That said, [b]you[/b] have to be understanding of the fact that the moment he put in writing what he wanted — [i]from his wife[/i] — she hired an attorney ([b]of course[/b] she’s going to hire the best one she can get — that’s what people who divorce do 🙄 ) and went after what she wanted, just like he did. This is a typical divorce. He’s not unusual, from what you write, and neither is she. The swords are drawn and the fighting is in play. When they either agree on a settlement or come to trial and the judge makes his orders, then it will be over.

You can wait it out or decide that enough is enough and that when his life is calmer, he can come calling at that time — if you’re still available. 😉

I’m sorry for your pain and frustration with the situation. Let me know how it turns out.

And come find me on Facebook, at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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