[Anonymous]

So, my girlfriend and I agreed we should take “a break”. But this is not your average “take-a-break” story.

We have been seeing each other 1 year. I am 41, divorced w/2 kids and she is 38, w/1 child and she has never been married. Bottom-line is we have a great thing going. We are very happy together, and yes both of us agree on that. We rarely disagree, but when we do we have learned to communicate healthily and move on. It’s a great relationship, full of fun and energy. I am very close with her daughter, we do trips as a family, go to soccer games, volunteer dad stuff with her daughter, we laugh, we cuddle, talk, intimacy etc….building towards a new life together. it’s all there…. But something is not right with her right now.

Here is the back story: We met on Oct 19, 2009 and began dating, but 4 months before that she had come out of a very passionate, fast paced 5 month relationship. She describes it as the best of everything, and then one day he (Jim)) abruptly broke up with her without warning, saying he wasn’t ready and had things in his life he needed to work on. She was heart broken, no doubt.

Between Jun 29, 2010 when they broke up and Oct 19, 2010 when we met, she dated two guys, for about 2 months each (transitional guys I would say). She broke up with them in Nov. to be with me. We dated and gradually built something very special together (which she will admit she agrees)

Six months into our “great” relationship, I found out she had seen, and slept with “Jim” once….whom she was supposedly not talking to anymore. She said she felt awful, had never cheated on anyone before, but he showed up at the door and everything (emotions) came rushing back). She said she would never had told me, because it meant nothing, it was a sure mistake and she didn’t want to hurt me since she knew she wanted to be with me. She said it drove home the fact that she loved me, and she had zero feelings for him. She said she never wanted to see him again, and she wanted to be with me although Jim has said to her: “I miss you and love you and want you back….give me a few more months to fix things in my life, break up with him and come back to me” She said no of course.

Now I know this sounds gullible, but I believed her because she is truly a high character woman. She lives a life of high integrity, she is well educated, has no history of such things not one that ever placates you. I believed her and just said that even the best people make mistakes. I believed in her and we began to build the trust back.

Truth is, we did get the trust back and we grew closer and we have been fantastic. She never saw him again, but the problem is that she has recently admitted that although she thinks I am perfect for her there this 10% of her that wonders about “Jim”, and she can’t seem to shake it.

I told her that I deserved 100%, and she agreed. She was a mess, clearly feeling torn and upset. She said she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t shake her interest when she loves me so much. In our final conversation, I told her she need to take some time when she could decide she was 100%, I would be waiting. I told her didn’t want to break up, that was something she would have to decide.

The next day she called and said she couldn’t be with “anyone” right now, that it wasn’t fair to me that she could only be at 90%. I agreed with that. She said she needed a “break” to figure out what is wrong with her and get the “crap: out of head. I think she is doing the right thing, and I support it. I will giver her space and No Contact until she contacts me….but she eluded this could be weeks or a couple of months, and as you might know I am devastated.

Is she commitment phobic?
Or is she still in love with this guy even though has only seen once in 16 months?
Is she going to come back?
And if she truly loves me as much as she says, why cant she do like everyone else does, and make a decision to let “Jim” go and live in the present?
I realize he was possibly the “one” that got away, but why can’t she move on….or?
is it LESS about him and more about her being phobic and really scared? After all she IS 38 and never been married…. she feels very screwed up and is frustrated that she cant control this.

Open to your thoughts…..help 

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I don’t think she’s commitment phobic — I think she’s someone who doesn’t want to be without a man, and she’s impulsive. She isn’t ready to commit to you the way you want her to, and I think it’s because she likes drama and passion more than she wants a mature, committed relationship. Not knowing her side of the story, it’s hard to say what in her past keeps her in chaos, but I’m here to help you — not her!

It’s very clear that as a divorced single parent, you’re looking for Ms. Right not just for yourself, but for your children, too. She is not stable in her feelings for you, and you did the right thing by stepping away from a relationship that was going to bring you chaos.

In answer to your other questions, I don’t know if she’s in love with Jim or not, but love isn’t enough when you have children involved. Commitment and mutual respect and goals are what you need to glue any relationship where single parents are involved. She could easily have felt he was the one who got away but decided her commitment to you was more important that her feelings. That would have been a mature response on her part. Instead, she created drama.

She will probably come back — and leave and come back and leave. What you need to look for in a wife is maturity and commitment as well as all the other good stuff. If you find she has this and she’s had a momentary lapse, then you’ve got your Ms. Right.

She loves you and tells you she loves you, but she holds onto Jim — and I’m quite sure other men will emerge as time goes on — because she likes drama and she’s impulsive. Commitment can be a big snooze fest and dating and passion are much more interesting — but they’re not good for family or long term commitment. Decide what you want.

I hope that all helps and that you’ll follow me on Twitter @AskAprilcom and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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