[angelbear077]

My boyfriend got upset that my dad didn’t like him mainly because he wanted to know what my dad thought of him. So I told him the truth but not all of it. I just said my dad doesn’t want me to get hurt and he thinks I deserve better. My boyfriend reacted angrily and gave me the cold shoulder so I went to his house to apologise face to face and on my dad’s behalf because my father doesn’t know him but has asked me stuff about my boyfriend. During this face to face conversation, my boyfriend cried and he told me a story of how his grandfather went against family to marry his grandma. So I thought okay, maybe I have to try harder and I’m guessing that’s what he wants me to do. So when I went back home he texted me “it was good seeing you, I’m glad we had our talk.” Then I talked to dad. My father said he wasn’t going to interfere with my life and obviously he didn’t meet my bf yet and said he didn’t want to stand in the way of my happiness but he did warn me already that this guy could play me. I told my bf and he said “wawww that’s big.” I thought he would be happy until this happened…

The week before I was supposed to go on holiday my bf hung out with his tattooist. He didn’t tell me this and I only found out when I texted him at 11.30pm when he said he just got home. They are both the same age (27). He said it was only lunch and she was just a friend. He said they had a nice discussion about life and decisions esp how the conversation made him realise he’s wasn’t a kid any more. He even said the girl reminded him of himself in terms of how she becomes reclusive. He said this girl talked about her love life and how she just broke up with her boyfriend and now she met another guy who’s older and has casual sex with him . He said he gave her advice and that if it went bad he said “I wouldn’t say I told you so, instead I’ll ask what ice cream you want.”

He didn’t text me for two days but then texted me and said “hmmm hope you’re having a gewd day and you got your travel plans sorted.” Then he didn’t text for 3 days. It was only on the third day I initiated a text but no goodnight or anything. He still asked how I was. However I felt hurt because I felt ignored and wasn’t sure if he was attracted to his tattooist. I talked to him on the phone before I went overseas and asked him what was going on. He said he was travelling to the USA and changed his travel dates. I asked him which dates and he reacted angrily and said “I extended my travel to two weeks. I’m leaving next week. I already told you!” I said sorry because I didn’t want him to get more mad and he never told me. Then I asked him where I stood in our relationship and whether he was attracted to me or his tattooist. He angrily said “I didnt say I wanted to be with her. F*** I don’t want to have this conversation right now especially in this heat when you can just fly off tomorrow on your holiday!!!!!” I was shocked by his reaction and I asked him whether his interest was still there for me. He said no. I asked him whether he asked his tattooist out. He said “I didn’t ask her out man. Sheesh. I’m too tired of minding people to actually like them. I don’t want to be around people at the moment or be in a relationship. I need time to clear my head.” Then I said I felt frustrated because I fought a big battle for him with my dad because I thought that was what he wanted and to have him tell me the interest wasn’t there was hurtful. However, I also said ” okay, I understand you need your space and I respect you for that.”

Then he sent me this long text “I really want you to have a fun trip. Take in the sights smells and feels of the world. You were braver than me in fighting for what you want. I’m not my grandfather. I got other things to mind and think about. Please take care. Smile always. You always looked sweet smiling. I’ll see you again. Truly Best.” Then at 5.46am in the morning before he went to work he texted “Take care, safe flight, smile.”

April I am sorry this was so long but I am sooooo confused!!! What should I do? Am I being played around?
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read through it all (phew! 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you? How long have you been dating him?

[angelbear077]

Im 24 and ive been dating him for six months

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. So you’ve been dating for six months, and it sounds like he’s cooling things down quite a bit. You didn’t do anything wrong. And, it’s not so much that you’re being played — but you are being offered information that he’s not into a serious relationship, and I think you are. Really listen to what he’s saying and pay attention to the way he’s behaving and try not to fool yourself into thinking this is going to go the distance. He’s definitely interested in this other woman — and he probably likes you, too, and is trying to let you know that he’s not into anything serious with you. If you’re okay with him playing the field, then you should continue, but if you’re looking for a monogamous, committed relationship, I don’t think this is it. I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[angelbear077]

I had a gut feeling he liked this woman more but he kept denying it…it really hurts because with everything i did, i felt he kinda led me on. I now feel it was such a waste of time talking to my dad about him. He accuses me of being insecure but i think he is too because he always compares himself to others and always says “wow i feel so much better about myself now.” Oh gawwd i feel so stupid now 🙁 what do i do if he gets in contact with me again? Cos he can be very sweet

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry you feel that he led you on. The thing about relationships is that sometimes they don’t work out. Sometimes it takes six or seven or eight months — before you realize that you’re not into a relationship, or you’re not into the person you’ve been dating. You can have really great intentions, but at a certain point you can realize that something just isn’t clicking. It’s not you, it’s not him, it’s just not a compatible match.

What you can learn from this is that at six months, you don’t have a “lock” on a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other and things aren’t set in stone. Like I said before, you didn’t do anything wrong. This just didn’t work out the way you had hoped it would. If he contacts you again, which I’m sure he will, you can see him or not. You both have choices 😉

[angelbear077]

I know he’s going to the USA next week but I kind of feel like I want to tell him this through whatsapp before he goes as I’m in another country on holiday, not in a mean way.

Hey N, I hope you’re well…I’ve been thinking a lot and It seems like you need to go away and figure out what you want and be on your own for a while because I want your happiness more than anything in the world. I just want you to be happy so I feel like you need to go and be alone in order to figure out what you want and I hope that I am here or I am still here when you are ready, but until then I know I need someone who is completely in because I wouldn’t want someone who isn’t 100% about wanting to be with me.

Do you think it’ll be good to tell him this before he goes? And does it sound mean? I wanted it to convey that I value myself and respect myself. Thank you

[AskApril Masini]

It does not sound mean at all. I think it’s fine to send. 🙂

[angelbear077]

Okay 🙂 I’ve sent him the message already. Surprisingly, after sending it, I feel a strange sense of relief and…happiness? I’m not sure if it’s because I sent the message out of love and I suddenly feel good about valuing myself 😀 😀

Thank you so much April for your help. I apologise if the whole thing was long. I just want you to know that you are an amazing woman for helping so many people around the world!! I’m not sure if you get a lot of appreciation from people who use this forum. However, I just want to say thank you again. You really make such a wonderful difference in people’s lives. I wish you an awesome 2016 🙂

Warm regards
From New Zealand.

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you!! 😀

[angelbear077]

Hi April
I know it’s been a couple of days, but I just wanted you to know that after I sent the whatsapp message, he didn’t reply (gave me the silent treatment) and so I removed him from my instagram account to help myself move on as I didn’t want to be hanging onto hope and I had an inkling something was going on with his tattooist.

He confronted me about it before he left for the USA and sent me long messages on whatsapp once he realised I took him off my instagram (I mainly did it to distance myself from him and focus on me but he’s been trying to get my attention). After those whatsapp messages, he even sent me a Viber message to say he whatsapped me. During this time when I’ve been trying to clear my head and move on, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. However, I often wondered if he has been emotionally manipulative to me because I’ve felt so beaten down and I’ve felt like I’ve become a different person before I met him. Despite him trying to get my attention, I keep thinking about these things I noticed about him:
1) he keeps telling me that he is someone I need
2) He says I deliberately keep starting arguments with him when I’m actually just telling him nicely what’s been going on in my mind before an argument starts. Instead of talking to me, he just shuts me down (either gets really mad or starts swearing or gives me silent treatment-it’s so torturous because I feel like I have to apologise every time and I feel like my confidence is dropping)
3) He says one thing, like “I’ve always liked you. I think I’ve found the one whom I’m meant to be with etc” but THEN he says “I never said I was the one. I never said I liked you” (I feel like I’m losing my mind?!?! I honestly think I’m going crazy here!)
4) Whenever he feels down, Im there for him, but when it comes to my problems, he isn’t that supportive and makes it all about him. Then I end up nurturing him!

I feel like I’m going crazy here. He’s being all nice and charming now (mainly because I’m ignoring him) BUT these things I’ve identified seem like red flags to me…A part of me is saying don’t go back to him. What should I do? Am I losing my mind??

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure why you wrote that you’re going crazy. If you read what you’ve written here — all of what you’ve written — I think you’ll see he’s a 27 year old guy who’s playing the field and is not that into you. You seem a little needy and so when he says nice things to you you forget about the rest of the six months. 😕 I think that if you’re taking better care of yourself, you won’t be so susceptible to someone who isn’t that into you, but occasionally inserts charming comments in between behavior that doesn’t imply any type of commitment or maturity. 😳 Go out and see your friends, volunteer with people who have problems that are more serious than yours, take a class, play the field and flirt with other men — and you’ll find that you won’t be so vulnerable when someone who isn’t nice, says nice things. 😉

[Sally]

He pulled away, and then he wrapped it in pretty, emotional words so it wouldn’t look as harsh. The moment he said his interest wasn’t there anymore and that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, that was the message. Everything after that the sweet texts, the grandfather story, the poetic goodbye was him trying to leave without feeling like the bad guy.

You weren’t being played in a sneaky, evil way. But you were being emotionally led on while he figured himself out, and you were doing all the emotional work. Fighting with your dad, apologizing for things that weren’t yours to fix, tiptoeing around his moods that’s not partnership. That’s you bending while he checked out.

The tattooist isn’t the real issue. The real issue is that when things got uncomfortable, he shut down, got defensive, and chose distance instead of reassurance.
What should you do now? Take him at his word, not his tone. He’s stepping away. Let him. Don’t chase closure from someone who already decided to detach. You didn’t lose anything real you saved yourself from staying where you’d always be the one trying harder.
You weren’t wrong. You were just loving someone who couldn’t meet you where you stood.

[Aida Omar]

That guy is an “emotional vampire” who is drinking your energy. Block him and wear your sexiest dress and enjoy the holiday. Let him think you have forgotten him because the most painful thing for a man is when he is ignored, and his ego is hurt.
AskApril was right that the guy is not serious about you; he is just passing the time. You should break up with him and focus on your own self-respect and flirt with other men so that you know your worth.

[Member]

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