[Anonymous]

My fiance and I got together about 5 and a half years ago. We were both very dedicated and gave up everything for each other (even our friends-mistake number 1) and we are both young (currently early 20s). So a year ago, I got scared in the relationship and thought I was missing out, so I broke his heart. I ended things really suddenly and he was crushed. I saw someone else and he went crazy, like partying so hard every night, not caring if he lived or died. And then 2 months later we began talking again and we decided to get back together, because I realizedd I was missing out on him. So we decided to take it slow and not ditch our friends again… But now we are engaged again (we were before the split for 2 years) and things are good between us except:

problem 1: his “friends” are scum, dislike me, and beg him to ditch me and be single again with them. and the only they do when they hang out is drink. alot. and get out of control. now he would never EVER cheat. i know this because even when we broke up and girls flocked to him, in his mind there were nothing to me. that is not why i dislike the situation. they just drag him down and i am starting to think he is becoming an aloholic like them. He knows he is starting to develop a drinking problem, but he says it is “too much fun” and asking him to stop drinking like that is asking him “to ditch his friends” cause thats all they do when they hang out. i want him to have friends, and some of them are good people, but what do i do about the jerks? (btw- he does not go out every night, because i wont have that – and he never once “ditched” me for his friends at least)

problem 2: he is scared i am going to leave again. he wont admit it and acts like he wouldnt care, but i know him too well. it seems like he is just afraid to commit like he did before because he thinks that he will get hurt really bad again. every person in his life has disappointed him, and before last year i was the one that he was sure never would. it kills me, but i did need that break from him to be separate and wild (not slut though!). we are engaged, but he gets scared when we talk about our future. he wants to marry me, but he is so afraid to plan and say it will happen, cause what if it doesnt. i know i am not going to leave him again and i need him to know this. saying it isnt enough because i said it before and i went back on my word. how can i show him that he can believe in me again? i thought time would fix this but its been a year… i told him he doesnt have to be engaged if he doesnt want to anymore, but he says he does. and i think this might fix problem 1 because i think a part of him feels though scumbag friends were there for him when i left.

And it sucks because every problem in our relationship before the break-up is gone. everything is amazing. he is more loving and greatful to have me. its just these two issues and i have no where else to turn…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s a fundamental problem here: You’re both in your [i]early 20s[/i], have been together for over five years, are re-engaged, but have no wedding date in sight. 😯 What’s the point of an engagement without a date? It sounds like you’re both not ready for this kind of big commitment and the actual engagement is putting undue pressure on both of you.

There are also problems in the relationship that are important: you don’t like his friends, his friends don’t like you, you think he’s turning into an alcoholic, and he’s afraid you’re going to leave him. 😕 This doesn’t sound like a relationship that’s on steady footing and the engagement makes the stakes high and the pressure on both of you to move forward, more intense. In fact I’ll bet that he’s drinking more and more, as you report in your post, because he’s uncertain of your future together. The drinking is his way of escaping from that pressure, and the escape feels “fun” to him. Whether or not you agree, I hope you can understand why he’s doing what he’s doing.

My advice is to call off the engagement and just date each other and decide if this is a man you want to marry or not. Five years is a very long time to figure this out, and your instinct that you were missing out on something was probably well founded. You said that you were both very dedicated people and gave up your friends for each other the first time around — and now realize that that was a mistake. Dedication to the wrong things isn’t commendable. 😳 Take a few steps back and realize that your friends are a reflection of who you are. They’re a lot like in-laws,[b] only you actually get to choose your friends! [/b] ❗ So your visceral, negative reaction to his friends, is really a rejection of him. In fact, I bet you both decided to drop your friends the first time around, because you knew deep down that they would reject you and influence him. Dating without the benefit of your mutual friends is a lot like having sex on vacation. It’s easy. Having a sex life over the course of a long term day to day relationship, however, actually takes work and maintenance! Having a relationship with each others’ friends in your lives is a lot more realistic than living in a bubble together. And when the bubble burst, whether or not they are the scum you think they are, they [u]were[/u] there for him when you weren’t, and they’ll probably be there all along. Maybe they’ll grow to love you and maybe they won’t — and same with your feelings for them. But take a better look that’s more objective and less “dedicated”. Are you sure this is who you want to spend another five years with? Ten years? A lifetime?

Let me know if this helps and how things go — and I hope you’ll join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

before i even saw your reply, i talked to him last night and finally got it out of him. i firmly told him if he did not want to be engage we needed to end that and just be in a relationship and i asked him why he’s scared of planning our wedding and talking about the future (we did by the way have a date in about 2 years, just not completely set in stone). to my surprise, it’s not really about me. i mean a small part of him worries that we wont work out, but apparently the majority of it has to do with his financial stability and his work. he is afraid that he will not be financial ready to get married, buy a house, start a family, etc and if his job will still be there. but after talking about how i am unsure about all these things as well and so is everyone else with a right mind when they get married! just like when people go out and buy a brand new house and car, and lose their job the next day. you just dont ever know. we were both really relieved after the conversation and decided to stay engaged with our wedding date, but it is flexible and may change depending on our jobs and money situation when the date gets closer.

and about the friends, you’re right, they ARE a reflection of him. but the old him, the one he was before we met 5 years ago. he’s grown up since then and is more responsible (except the drinking) and they are the exact people they were 5 years ago (still living with mom and dad, no job, no education, no future). i think he went back to them because they were all he knew. we talked about his friends and apparently they dislike me not as a person, but because they feel like i am taking him away from them again. which i can see, but still, he IS my fiance. so i don’t know if they will ever get over that. i mean i am willing to share, but hey they got to remember, i like spending time with him too. but he is going to try to control his drinking habits and just go out with his friends and drink like once or twice a week for fun, not because he has to.

and you’re also right about drinking as an escape, but not from me and our relationship, but rather the hardships in life itself. this kid has been through a lot of bad in his life, more than most can imagine. but we are going to work on him focusing on the good and not NEEDING to drink, but rather just wanting to once and a while.

and i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him, i know this and trust me i have asked myself this question before and the answer is always yes. especially before we got back together, i took a few weeks to really think about if i want to be with him forever because i didnt want to get back with him and then break his heart again. i know i am 100% certain. but any more advice on how to get his friends to not feel so threatened and jealous of my relationship with him?

Thanks for the advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b]You[/b] may want to spend the rest of your life with him, but [b]he’s [/b]not ACTING like he wants to spend his life with [b]you[/b]. I think you’re making a lot of excuses for him and for yourself. 😕

A man who’s ready to be married has certain ducks in a row. He’s at a certain point in his career. He has a certain amount of money to his name. He’s at a certain point in his social life and he starts hanging out with other couples, not singles. Your guy isn’t any of these, and while you want help mending a relationship, I don’t think you’re looking at the situation honestly.

Of course things change, people get sick, lose jobs — life happens, but if you’re waiting for him to suddenly feel that all that has gone away so NOW it’s time to get married, you’re kidding yourself. The wedding date that is two years from now 😯 after five years of an investment already, and it’s [i]not set in stone [/i] (huh??) is your way of giving him a free pass to treat you like the booby prize — not the grand blue ribbon prize.

The truth is that men feel great about themselves when they think they’ve chased and won a woman over. If you don’t give him something to win, you lose and so does he. 😳

I don’t think you’re ready to make the changes you want in order for the relationship to be different. I’m sorry. 😥

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