[wanderer76]

Hi April – I know what I am going to say doesn’t make me a nice guy…

Have been seeing a colleague from work for last 8 months. We have a great time and talk about our future together. She has children but not with the guy that she has been with for the last few years. She says that she loves me and last week tried to end it with the guy. He got angry then sad and did the whole ‘let’s try again’ stuff.

In the meantime she has had a horrible time with one of her children and has said that for the time being she needs to focus on the children and not move things forward with me. In the meantime she is at home with her bloke but telling me that she loves me but it is all a bit too much for her at the moment.

I know that she would prefer it if he finihsed it rather than her – she hates the idea of making him sad. I don’t do a good job at waiting and know that I could send him an anonymous message about us. This would throw the stone into the water (!) and would surface things. He might say ‘that’s it’ – but would she then feel attacked from the outside and try to make it OK with him. He might forgive her (really??). She might take the opportunity to fess up and it all ends…

I’m really confused – I like to take control of situations but I feel completely out of control in this one and would appreciate your advice

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

This one is pretty simple. You’ve been dating a woman for 8 months, and she’s also dating another guy, and has been for three years now. I’m not sure from your post if she lives with him or not, but either way, she won’t break up with him, and you want her to. Because you don’t like the fact that she won’t stop seeing him, you want to stir the pot and contact him to try and facilitate his breaking up with her. In other words, because you can’t get her to do what you want, you’re going to try to get him to leave her, and hopefully then she’ll be with you in a way that you’d like.

The problem is that even if you get him to leave, she’s still the one who wouldn’t leave him — and that’s who you wind up with, a woman who’d rather be with someone else who left her — because you caused the break up. That dynamic will probably resurface in the future in some form, but the tables may be turned. Think about what would happen if you do drive him out, and now you’re dating her….. and you get a phone call or e-mail from a guy saying that he’s dating her, too and he wants to drive you out, this time.

In other words, you’re focusing your energy on the wrong person. She’s the one you want to win over rather than driving away him.

Hope that helps!

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