[zeppy]

Hi April,

I was just seeking some advice regarding my relationship, Hoping you can help.

I have been with my partner (living together) for just under 3 years now and for the most part the relationship is enjoyable and we love & respect each other. The problem or at least the main problem in my eyes is concerning a health issue with my partner. She suffers from Fibroids and this has had a devastating effect on our relationship. Our sex life is pretty much non existent and further to that we are now encountering problems with conceiving a child as well as we both are ready to have a child together.

At the start of our relationship I had no idea what Firbroids we’re and I thought it was a temporary thing that could be resolved with some treatment. We have tried every single avenue possible to have them treated and we are getting nowhere. Recently when I’ve thought back to the start of our relationship I feel misled by her as she wasn’t fully honest with me about how severe an issue this was / is.

We tried public and private healthcare and doctors simply refuse to operate on them as it could hinder her chances at conceiving greatly, we’ve tried herbal remedies and feel let down by a local doctor who originally said of course she could help, 3-4 months later and the herbal remedies haven’t made any difference. She now wants to try reflexology & have blood samples taken to treat hormonal in-balances, personally I’ve lost all hope at this point.

I’ve told her as much in recent days that there doesn’t seem to be much point in trying to resolve this now as it simply seems to be a case of having a hysterectomy and no children or putting up with a non existent sex life, heartbreak and frustration for the next decade or so and living in hope something might work and we might have some kind of miracle breakthrough regarding pregnancy.

So, I think you can understand my frustration (in every sense, emotionally, mentally, sexually etc), I feel let down and trapped. I am not sure where to turn to now, do I end the relationship? I said from day 1 to her having children is something I want in my life. This doesn’t seem to be an option or at least likely with her? Do I persist in the hope of something happening?

TIA

Z

[AskApril Masini]

It’s disappointing when you don’t get what you want, the way you want it. And it’s easy to point fingers in frustration. Please know that given the best of circumstances, things happen. You make marriage vows and someone cheats, gets into a car accident and is disabled, loses a job — things happen in adult relationships that give you opportunities to see things differently. That’s what’s going on here. But, you’re not without options.

Basically, you have to decide if you’re more committed to having biological children, or being with this woman. That’s what it boils down to. If biological children are what you want, you can stay with this woman and see a physician about using your sperm or eggs (I’m not sure of your gender) and a donor for the rest. There’s a possibility that a doctor can talk to you about, of using your partner’s eggs without her conceiving, in some type of infertility situation. Or, you can move on and find someone with whom you can more easily have biological children.

Of course, if you do stay with this woman, you’ve still got a sexless relationship, which is a second problem. It sounds like she’s given up on western medicine for help and is pursuing alternative options, but you sound like you’re at the end of your rope. Even if she has no sex drive, or has pain when having sex, she can still do things for you that don’t cause her any pain, and are simply generous things that people in long-term relationships do for each other when one person isn’t in the mood, and it’s been a while, and the other is. 😉 If she is not interested in your sexual needs, that’s a bigger issue.

I hope this helps. If you have other questions, feel free to reply with them.

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[zeppy]

Hi April,

Thanks for your reply, I should add some more detail. I was in a hurry posting earlier.

I am 33 year old male.

I appreciate your sentiments that we don’t always get what we want and I certainly don’t expect to get things completely my own way. It is always give and take of course, If this medical issue wasn’t here I’d of proposed by now and planning a wedding and a lifetime together, as it stands I am more free to leave if I wish to do so and I don’t want to jump into things further before having a better idea of what the future holds.

Regarding the biological children part, it then opens a whole new dilemma regarding miscarriages, women who suffer from Fibroids tend to be more likely to suffer miscarriages also. Of course that is hearsay and goes back to your original point, we can’t control these things. Before we even consider it, it is highly unlikely we could go to medical clinics to assist with fertility as it would run into the thousands and our income probably wouldn’t support it.

The sex issue as well is very complicated as you can imagine, with her medical condition it brings on pain, fatigue and this is after her bleeding stops which has on occasion lasted months sometimes. Due to its erratic nature it could be gone for a few days and then hit for weeks or months on end and causes huge amount of frustration for us both.

I’m very open minded and have suggested surrogate and she refused it, I’d also be open to having a more open relationship regarding the sex issue, involving another person to ease the frustrations 😉 that goes for both me and her, I don’t think she is open to it however as I have told her I was involved in swinging previously and any mention of another partner is met with a negative response.

As you can see I am at the end of my tether and I don’t know what else can be done to help things now, I’ve been extremely patient and given 3 years (just about) of my life to this relationship in the hope it’ll work out and right now today as it stands its the same situation as the day we started to try resolve this issue. I’m exhausted, worn out and at a loss where to go to try improve things quickly.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you really want a biological child of your own, and surrogacy is out of the question for financial reasons. You also sound like you’re at the end of your rope with your girlfriend of three years, and if you’re looking for my permission to move on, you have it. It’s okay to know what you want and to go for it, and to leave someone with whom you’re incompatible on deal breakers like having kids, and having sex. I think that given everything you’ve mentioned, it’s time for you to move on and pursue someone who’s more compatible.

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