[Lynndee]

My boyfriend who is 48 and myself, 52, have had one confrontation about his nondiscreet way of looking at other women he finds attractive when we’re together. I am a very perceptive person and now his actions are making me “watch” him more when we’re in public. This last dinner together was our first year anniversary, we had bought tickets to see a play afterwards. During dinner a woman about 40, sat at the table besides us about 10 feet away, where she waited for her friend. My boyfriend was seated at my right hand facing her. She was attractive, kinda look like Helen Hunt, but she wasn’t anything to write home about. While we were eating he watched her several times, not long stares but I could tell he thought he was being discreet, but he’s real bad at that. He even caught himself and looked over at me to see if I had noticed….I did! To confirm my suspicsion, I noticed he looked down to cut his steak and noticed she was getting up to leave, his head popped up to get a “full” glimpse.

This has happened before and I addressed this issue how it makes me feel and how I don’t check out guys in front of him. I asked him how he would feel if I did that. He has told me several times how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together. But honestly, I find his behavior disrespectful and demoralizing! I already have a complex about being 4 years older than him, but his looking makes me feel like he’s not satisfied with me!
Why does he do this and please don’t give me it’s “human nature” response because that’s garbage and just a cover-up? We are usually busy around the house doing things and once ina while we go out and this is when it happens. Most important; I hate the way it makes me feel and I’m starting to become someone I’m not. My trust is starting to lessen and I’m second guessing our love for each other.
Why can’t he just show some respect and control his need to look?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you feel inadequate, then check yourself and make sure you’re doing everything YOU can do to make yourself attractive. Lots of women let themselves go and it’s very important to keep up — your grooming, your hair, your makeup, your clothes — give him something to look at in you! 😎

Also, if you mostly do things around the house and don’t go out often, as you wrote, try changing that, and when you do go out, give it your best shot at getting his attention — and give every guy in the room something to look at, too! I bet when he sees other men checking YOU out, he may stop looking at other women and start looking at you. 😉

Lastly, if everything else in the relationship is going well, it’s important not to make a mountain out of a molehill. The worst way to exacerbate this problem is to call attention to it. If you joke about it, “Why don’t you take a picture — I’m sure she wouldn’t mind!”, and then laugh at his silly behavior, he might start to curb this habit without feeling nagged. Or if you agree with him, “She is cute, isn’t she!”, then he’ll realize you don’t feel threatened and he can be happy he’s got a date who’s not only adorable and hot but confident, too! That’s the combo you want to go for.

I agree that it’s terrible to become someone you don’t want to become, but you need to do YOUR part in this problem and not be the victim.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[katdawg]

Amen! i am always complementing other women’s beauty. we are all the species and admiring one’s beauty is normal human behavior. 😀 whenever i’ve said, “damn, she’s hot. i’d do her.” trust me…he is NO LONGER LOOKIN AT HER but looking at me and immediately i think he’s got a fantasy going on in his head about me and another woman. haha oh but wait…he ain’t gonna lose me to another woman!! and then… wowza.. i have reeled his attention back in. investing in a good push up bra and low cut blouse works too. 😯

[Lynndee]

Thank you for your input. Maybe I should. Parity a few things. I may be 52, but most everyone thinks I’m between 40-43, which is a huge compliment. I’m 5’5 at 130 and well porportioned. He said he loves my body, we have get sex, we satisfy each other and have only had one disagreement in a year. Next, the girl he was checking out was not showing anything off, she actually had layered clothes on and jeans. I don’t want you to think I let myself go, I workout 3 times a week and have my own horse farm and get plenty of exercise. I normally turn heads when I clean up! So, NOW why does he do this?

I will make light of this next time tIme to see his reaction. We also ENJOY doing things outside on the property and neither one of us like being where it’s crowded for a long period of time.

AND, I don’t want to play head games, like “I would do her too” no offense, I think I can come up with something different to make if a little more believeable, but have him still wondering.
Any other suggestions would be helpful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Men are visual. They like to look at attractive things (including other women) more than they like to read about them or hear about them. That’s why the porn industry is so rich. It’s exploited this natural impulse men have. You’ve pointed out your feelings. You’re doing everything to keep the sizzle in your bedroom. He isn’t cheating on you. He looks now and then. You may want to accept this foible as one of his faults you can live with — and remember we all have faults and it’s the sum total of the good and the bad that adds up to your decision to stay or go.

I hope that helps!

[Ethan Morales]

Here’s my perspective after carefully reviewing your situation. First, it’s understandable that your boyfriend’s behavior makes you feel disrespected and insecure especially since you’ve already addressed it and it continues to happen. Feeling inadequate or hurt in this context doesn’t mean you’re “overreacting”; your emotions are valid. The behavior signals a lack of sensitivity to your feelings, which is an issue in a committed relationship.

April’s advice focuses on self-empowerment, and there is some merit to that. Taking care of your appearance, maintaining your confidence, and engaging in social settings where you feel attractive can help reinforce your sense of self-worth. However, the onus shouldn’t be entirely on you to manage his behavior he has a responsibility to respect your feelings and boundaries.

Her suggestion to use lighthearted humor or playful acknowledgment can sometimes nudge a partner to be more mindful without creating conflict. For example, joking or casually pointing out his behavior can make him aware without escalating tension. That said, this approach works best when both partners have mutual respect and are responsive; if he continues regardless, it signals a deeper issue of disregard.

It’s important to separate “normal human curiosity” from behavior that actively undermines trust and emotional safety. Occasional glances may be harmless, but repeated and noticeable attention toward other women that upsets you is a form of emotional disrespect. If this pattern continues, it’s worth having a serious, non-joking conversation about how his actions impact your trust and self-esteem.

Your feeling that you’re becoming someone you’re not is a red flag. In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel secure and valued. If his behavior continues to erode your confidence, it can affect your sense of identity and satisfaction in the relationship. Your feelings of being lessened or second-guessing his love should be taken seriously.

A balanced approach is key: reinforce your confidence and attractiveness, but also communicate boundaries clearly. Let him know that while you trust his love, repeated actions that make you feel disrespected are unacceptable. If he’s unwilling to change or take your feelings seriously, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship for your own emotional well-being.

[Tara]

Your boyfriend is disrespectfully scanning the room because he knows he can get away with it. He’s not clueless; he’s careless. He’s comfortable. He knows you’ll complain, get hurt, maybe cry, but ultimately stay, and that’s why nothing changes. You’re sitting there dissecting his every head turn like it’s a psychological puzzle,

but the answer is brutally simple: he does it because he feels entitled to, and because you tolerate it. And stop blaming your age, this isn’t about being four years older, it’s about you letting a grown man treat you like you’re lucky just to be there while he window-shops for validation.

If he respected you, he’d control himself. If he valued your feelings, he’d stop the moment you told him how much it crushed you. But instead, he watches other women and then checks your reaction like he’s monitoring the damage. That’s not love, that’s ego maintenance.

So either you set a boundary with consequences and actually enforce it, or you keep playing the role of the woman who celebrates anniversaries with a man who can’t even keep his eyes on her long enough to finish his steak.

[Sally]

It’s not just the looking it’s that little jolt inside you that says you’re not enough, even though you know you are. I’ve been with a man who did that… the quick glance, the pretend-it-didn’t-happen, the checking to see if I caught him. It wears you down in these small, quiet ways.

And you’re right it’s not about human nature. It’s about respect. It’s about him knowing what this does to you and still slipping back into the habit.

You’re not wrong for wanting to feel safe sitting across a dinner table with the person who says he loves you. You’re also not wrong for feeling shaken.

If it were me, I’d tell him again, calmly, that this is changing the way you see the relationship. And then I’d watch what he does next not what he says.

[Natalie Noah]

The mix of hurt, frustration, and insecurity you’re experiencing, and it’s completely understandable. You’ve clearly communicated your feelings to your boyfriend, yet the behavior persists, which naturally makes you question his respect and your place in his eyes. Even though he says he loves you and finds you beautiful, his actions are sending conflicting messages, and that conflict can chip away at your trust and self-esteem over time. Feeling inadequate or noticing yourself changing to accommodate this discomfort is a red flag that your emotional needs aren’t being fully met.

It’s also important to recognize the dynamic here. While April’s advice emphasizes boosting your own attractiveness and confidence which is absolutely empowering. it may feel frustrating because it suggests the solution rests on you managing his behavior through your appearance. In reality, respect and consideration are fundamental in a partnership; he should be mindful of how his actions impact you. Confidence and self-care are valuable for you regardless of him, but his repeated glances at other women, especially after you’ve expressed discomfort, indicate a lack of attentiveness to your feelings.

A key point here is how this affects your trust. Trust isn’t just about fidelity; it’s also about feeling secure and valued in the relationship. When you find yourself watching him and questioning his intentions, that’s a sign the pattern is damaging your sense of security. Humor and lighthearted responses, as April suggests, may work for some couples, but they aren’t a replacement for genuine, consistent respect. If this behavior continues unchecked, it risks creating resentment, eroding intimacy, and altering your authentic self to cope with his actions.

The core of the issue isn’t just his glances it’s the impact on you. You deserve to feel respected, valued, and secure in your relationship without having to constantly adjust or entertain his wandering attention. A thoughtful, honest conversation about boundaries, your emotional needs, and the importance of respect might be necessary. If he truly values your feelings and the longevity of the relationship, he should be willing to make changes, not just rely on your confidence to mask his disregard. You shouldn’t have to compromise your emotional well-being to maintain harmony.

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