[Geminirose1980]

I was married to my boyfriend before. It lasted for three years then I divorced him. Something happened that I never forgave him for or forgot. He ended up letting me do it too. But two wrongs don’t make a right. I wanted to make it right and still do. I want the first seven months of our life together being in a union back. I guess that will never happen. So I am in a predictament. We had a son after the divorce, and I feel that I’d be happier in a different relationship if I find one or if the person I really do like would be with me. Do you know what I should possibly do? I love my son enough to stay but I am not fully happy.

[Lavendermoon57]

I feel like if you aren’t truly happy with him, and if you feel like you can’t forgive him for what he did (I assume it’s infidelity), then you should end it. Your son complicates things, but unless he is willing to do a complete 180 and bring back the magic of the first 7 months, then it’s probably best to stay separated. A new relationship will come along soon enough and you’ll find new love when you least expect it, and it sounds like you’re ready for that new special someone to come along.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Having a child changes everything. Whatever relationship you are in or will be in is going to affect three people, not just two. So you have to adjust your thinking, your behavior and your choices as a single mother in a way you wouldn’t have to do if you were just single.

I’m not sure what kind of relationship you’re in with your ex-husband now, and if you’re dating him, living with him, not seeing him at all, or something else.

And while it’s very important to put your child first and foremost, you can and should still date and find someone who makes you feel supported, peaceful, happy and who wants to be a stepfather to your child. Ideally, you need someone stable who has what I call “matching luggage” in terms of emotional baggage, and understands what you are going through because he, too, has been there. A single father would be a great choice for you, although you can absolutely make things work with the right man who is single but not a father.

The other important tenet is consistency. This is important for your child and for you, and up until now, you may not have had much of it. You’re going to have to adjust your behavior and that may not be comfortable, but trust me, it will yield you great results in the long run. If you’re going to split up with your ex-husband, then do it and do it cleanly. Make sure you have a visitation schedule and a child support order in place BEFORE you start dating. Knowing where you and your ex stand, legally as well as socially, is key to a happy dating life and a future relationship. Don’t slough it off saying, oh, we’re friends, we can make it work without formality. Trust me, as soon as your ex-husband sees another man starting to be your lover and your son’s stepdad, he’s going to feel differently and he may act out, so get your ducks in a row before you start dating. And conversely, if you start seeing another woman starting to be stepmom to your son, you, too, may start to act out. It’s understandable, but it’s not good for anyone. If you have a legal plan in place, you’re both going to be more ready to move from the same page.

Then, keep your son out of your dating process. It’s confusing for children to see mommy with other men. Only date while your son is with your ex-husband, a babysitter or grandma and grandpa. This may take some discipline on your part since you’re used to dating whenever, wherever, but it will serve you well as a parent and as a woman who takes her child seriously — a single father will really respect you for this. And never have men sleep over your house when your child is present.

If you take these steps, I think you have a great chance of finding a new family life with love and romance for you, and stability, consistency and love in which to raise your son into a fine man.

Good luck!

[Geminirose1980]

I am living with my ex-husband/boyfriend. But we fight all the time. Also we both have wandering eyes. I always feel that my heart is elsewhere.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

At some point you have to make a decision to stay with him and make it work or to honor your divorce and move on. The set up you have now is very hard to make work in the long run.

It sounds like the issues you have that led up to your divorce are not resolved and are festering. Since you didn’t mention what they are, I’m in the dark here.

I’m not sure how old your child is, but if he’s an infant or a toddler, it’s entirely possible you’re suffering post partum depression. Many women don’t feel sexual or want to have sex after having a baby or while nursing, and this could be contributing to your problems at home. In addition, after having a baby, many men have trouble seeing their wives (or in your case, girlfriends) as sexual beings because they just brought a life into the world. While women may not get this concept, it’s troubling for many men to feel sexual about the mothers of their children. Men can (not always, but it’s possible) have conflicts about sexualizing their women after they’ve given birth — especially if they were in the delivery room while the child was born.

If this is part of what’s going on, it’s your job to make time in the bedroom, and start offering yourself up as a sexual being to your man. You can grab my book, Romantic Date Ideas, by clicking on the link above, Dating Advice Books, for some big time help in this regard. See if you can get your family to babysit your child so you can have some time to make yourself feel more like a woman as opposed to a mom, and give you and your man some romantic time alone. If you’re committed to making your relationship with him work, this book, and the investment in yourself as a sexual woman with a man to please, may make the difference.

But before you do any of this, decide if you want to stay or go.

[Geminirose1980]

My son is 18 months old and post-partum only lasts for six months according to a psychiatrist. But the problem we had was first his infidelity, then him giving me permission, and then I felt guilty for doing it. That is why I divorced him because of guilt. Nowadays, we both flirt with others, and for about three months we had an open relationship while dating. He got jealous so we went back to being committed. I don’t want my son to be torn between his parents. My parents divorced when I was 4 1/2. So I know what it is like.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I am not a doctor, but I can assure you that if you do research on post-partum depression, you’ll find a range of definitions and time frames for how long it can last and what the symptoms are. And while having an 18 month old doesn’t qualify you as the mother of a newborn, you still have a young baby at home who is 100% dependent on you, and depression, hormone changes, lack of sleep and the simple but profound change in your family — from just the two of you to three of you — require enormous adjustments and transitions. This can be and usually is a bumpy road. So before you write off post partum or other new mother depression, see your physician for an exam and talk to him or her about this to rule it out.

But it truly does sound like you are in an impossible situation. I understand that you don’t want a divorce because you feel that your parents made a mistake by divorcing when you were young, and that hurt you. You want to do things differently in your adult lifetime. However, the reality is that not everyone can get past an infidelity, or in your case, twin infidelities. The fact that you and your ex-husband/boyfriend both have wandering eyes and have both cheated on each other (with or without permission doesn’t really matter as much as the fact that you both slept with other people while in a relationship) doesn’t speak well of a future relationship, especially since you’ve already divorced once. Statistics for divorce are high, but statistics for divorce in second marriages are higher, and third ones are even higher than first or second marriages. The reason is that your relationship is now more complicated than before the first marriage.

Of course it would be wonderful if you and your ex-husband/boyfriend could make things work, re-marry and raise your child together as a family, but if you can’t, remember what is important for your child. Consistency and stability is what kids crave and you can actually have more consistency and stability in a divorced home than a dysfunctional married home. In addition, it isn’t the divorce that hurts the children so much as the conflict between the parents that hurts the kids. So if you can keep things clear with your child’s father, and limit the conflict, your child has a very good chance of a lovely life with two parents who love him, but are divorced and don’t live together.

Ultimately, you have to gather up all your maturity and understand that you can’t have everything because it’s impossible. Make some decisions about how you’re going to live, and [i]you[/i] make the commitment, whether it’s to living as a single mother with joint custody of your child, or living as a mother in a marriage or committed, long term relationship with your son’s father. But if there’s continued infidelity in the relationship, not only is it not going to work in the long term, you’re going to hurt each other over and over.

[Ethan Morales]

Your son comes first. Any relationship decision now affects not just you but your child. Stability and consistency are crucial for him, so before you think about dating or moving on, make sure there’s a clear structure for custody, visitation, and child support. That protects your son and also protects you emotionally.

Dating needs boundaries. You can absolutely seek happiness in a new relationship, but it must be done in a way that doesn’t confuse or hurt your child. This means dating when your son isn’t around, avoiding introducing him to new partners too quickly, and never having romantic partners in your home when he’s present until you know the relationship is serious.

Clean separation from your ex. If you’re thinking of moving on from your ex, it’s important to do it clearly and legally. “Friendly” arrangements without clarity often lead to tension, jealousy, and confusion, especially if either of you start dating again.

Emotional readiness. It sounds like you still have some attachment to your ex and the early part of your marriage. That’s normal, but you also recognize that you may not be fully happy there. The key is to process those feelings, understand what you want in a partner now, and only pursue relationships that truly align with your emotional needs and lifestyle as a single mom.

You can be happy again, but you need structure, patience, and clear boundaries for your child’s sake and your own. Stability for your son + clarity in your personal life = space to build a healthy, fulfilling new relationship.

[Serena Vale]

It sounds like your heart is torn between what you feel and what you know. You’ve been through a lot with this man, love, hurt, forgiveness, and the weight of shared history. It’s natural to still want what those first good months felt like, but sometimes what we’re longing for is not the person, it’s the peace we had back then.

You’re not wrong for wanting happiness. Wanting more for yourself doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your son, it means you’re trying to build a life that’s emotionally healthy for both of you. Kids feel when their parents are unhappy, even when everything looks fine on the surface.

Maybe start by giving yourself space to figure out what you truly need, not as a wife or a mother, but as a person. If your current situation keeps you stuck in sadness or resentment, it might be time to gently let go and open yourself to something new. You can co-parent with love and still rebuild your own happiness.

You don’t have to rush the answer. Just be honest with yourself, that’s where healing starts.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve experienced love, loss, and betrayal, and now you’re trying to navigate not just your own happiness, but the life of your son as well. That’s a lot to carry, and it’s understandable that you feel conflicted wanting to reclaim some part of the past while also longing for a future that brings you peace and joy. What April Masini emphasizes and what I feel is true is that having a child changes everything. Your choices now affect three lives, not just your own. You deserve to be happy, but your son’s stability and emotional well-being must guide the steps you take.

The key here, darling, is clarity, structure, and patience. If you are considering leaving or redefining your relationship with your ex-husband, it must be done cleanly and legally, with visitation and support firmly in place. This will allow you to explore love and companionship without creating confusion or tension for your son. And when dating, you must protect him from adult complexities only date when he’s with someone else or cared for by a trusted guardian. By doing this, you set a foundation of stability, consistency, and respect both for your child and for yourself. Love is possible again, but it must grow carefully, thoughtfully, and intentionally.

[Tara]

You’re clinging to the ghost of a marriage that died years ago. You’re not in love with your ex, you’re in love with the first seven months you’ve romanticized into something holy. Newsflash: you don’t get those back. They’re gone. The moment you divorced him, the original relationship ended. Everything after that has just been two people orbiting around a shared child and a pile of unresolved resentment.

You say, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” Yet here you are, trying to build a future on top of a foundation that cracked the first time and then shattered the second. You don’t trust him. You don’t forgive him. You don’t feel the same. And the only reason you’re still standing there is that you think a child requires you to be miserable.
Your son deserves a stable parent, not a martyr. Staying in a dead relationship “for the child” doesn’t raise a happy kid; it raises one who learns that love means settling, resenting, and silently suffering. That’s the model you’re teaching him.

Here’s the part you’re avoiding: you want out. You’re already emotionally gone. You’re fantasizing about someone else, imagining a better relationship, wondering who could make you happier; that’s not curiosity, that’s your brain screaming the truth you won’t say out loud.

You want to know what to do? Stop hiding behind your son as an excuse. Own the fact that you’re unhappy. Leave the relationship with integrity. Co-parent your child. Build the life you keep daydreaming about instead of dragging everyone through this emotional limbo.

[Sally]

Loving someone and still carrying old hurt at the same time is its own kind of trap. You can want the good parts back, you can try to forgive, but if your gut is telling you it’s never felt the same since… that’s something you can’t ignore.

And staying “for your son” sounds noble, but kids see everything. They can feel when their parents are just surviving each other. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for you and for him — is build a life that actually feels peaceful.

You don’t have to rush into another relationship. You just need to be honest with yourself: are you staying because there’s still love, or because it’s familiar and you’re scared to move?
Give yourself permission to want a fuller life. Your son needs a mom who feels alive, not stuck.

[Member]

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