[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what to do about my current holiday situation.

My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a few months, but due to our healthy and constant communication we’ve been able to forge a very strong bond. After an unfortunate repair situation at my guy’s place we decided to temporarily move in together, and we’ve had very few problems adjusting. We’ve even been talking about turning this temporary situation into a more permanent one. I can very much see myself having a long term relationship with this man and he feels the same way towards me.

The problem is this:

My mother and stepfather have not been particularly approving of the relationship. When we first started dating they questioned his background and whether or not he was being honest with me (he was) and felt that he might not actually be interested in dating me (clearly, he was, and is). They took issue with the fact that he might be financially unstable because he was transitioning out of a failing company when we met, but seem to turn a blind eye to the fact that he is helping to support me now that the company I am working for is struggling and has laid me off starting after the Christmas break. Suffice it to say, all of their concerns have come to naught , and we have a very strong and supportive relationship. My mother, however, still seems to question it.

The issue at hand is what we should do for the upcoming holidays. For the past few years I have spent Christmas in Portland with my family, and we (my boyfriend and myself) had been discussing road-tripping up for the holidays so that he can see where I grew up, we can get a sense of how we travel together (which seems to be a good gauge of how you tackle challenges as a team), he can meet my family, and we can just have some fun on our vacation time.

However, when I mentioned this idea to my mother and sister they were very upset. They don’t feel that we’ve been dating long enough to take this large of a step, my mother doesn’t want him staying with us (which wasn’t our plan, we had been looking at hotels), and she also took issue with the fact that I will have to bring my 10 week old recently rescued puppy along with me since my boyfriend won’t be home to take care of him (her presumption). I get the sense she doesn’t want him involved in the holidays with us, although we did all spend a lovely Thanksgiving together, and I feel like she might just want some “real” family time (my mother and I live about 30 min apart, so we do see each other regularly). She’s quite adamant about stance on the matter, and I feel like I’m stuck in a lose-lose situation.

So here are the options I see.

1. I let my mother have her way, and my boyfriend stays home (all of his family is in Ireland so he will essentially be skipping the holiday until I get home).
2. We still take the trip together but he stays out of the family events unless my mom invites him (which means he’s likely to be stuck in Portland alone most of the time as well).
3. I bail out on Christmas with the family and we do something together (this would pretty much break my heart, and drive a HUGE wedge between myself and my mom/family).
4. I “fight for dominance” with my mother, as it were, and say that I am an adult (I’m 25, he’s 30), and how I can spend the holidays as I please and we’re together and so on and so forth.

I’m just not sure what to do here, and I don’t really want to make a choice. Am I over reacting? Is my mom right about the relationship (at least the, you haven’t been dating long enough part) or is she just being controlling and wanting to keep me her little girl, as her past actions would indicate? Should I try to salvage the trip or give in? Is there something I haven’t yet thought of? I’d love advice on the matter.

Thanks so much. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think your second suggestion is the best compromise. Rather than get into a power struggle with your family, show them that you respect their traditions and their concerns that your boyfriend of only a few months is not yet ready to be included in all aspects of their lives. On the other hand, if he travels with you and stays in a hotel, at least you’ll see each other each night and your parents may cave a little when they see he’s in town, and that you’re really trying to divide your allegiance. He’ll survive being alone for some of the time in Portland, and you can divide your time between him and your family — for now.

Try and understand that they don’t live with him and see him every day like you do, so they don’t really know how serious you are about him, and what a good guy he is. If he’s able to be respectful of their boundaries and to encourage you to do so, he may win them over in the long run and that is what you’re really looking for!

I hope that helps and that your holiday is heavenly and not hellish!!

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