[Tec13]

I’m a virgin and my boyfriend is not my whole life my intentions have been to wait until marriage. But I love him and I know I don’t necessarily want to wait that long (circumstances make the possibility nuptials far off) now. However I still do not feel ready yet. Until this last month he has been understanding and supportive but it seems now something has clicked it seems like he resents me and keeps bringing up that we will run out of other sexual things to do. This would be understandable if we lived together or saw each other everyday but he is in the military and we see each other every 3-6 months. Because of this I feel like it is impossible to be bored already. I have already done more with him than I have ever done before and I feel like he is no longer respecting what big expressions of my love these acts have been. He will bring it up and it will break my heart a little which results in a discussion about his priorities and how he is sorry and that it is his own issue that he needs to work through. Tonight we decided to put a ban on sexual discussions to ensure that the conversations that upset us both don’t happen but I’m not sure how well that will work out. I kind of think we might need to consult a sex therapist because he is one extreme and seems to have recently developed insatiable needs while I am at the other extreme where I fear losing my innocence and find myself being farther away from being ready since these issues have arose. When I brought up the idea he refused to consider it. I need to find some way to help him through this so that I can resume getting closer to being ready and also to compromise otherwise I will have two choices cry everytime he brings up sex or end the relationship to protect my own heart. Any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Tec13]

I’m 24 he is 22.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information. It really does help! 🙂 He is at the age where his sexual desires are at a peak. This isn’t emotional and it isn’t psychological. It’s physical and it’s physiological. So you have to understand his urges are very high, sexually. Of course there are men his age who are virgins, but I wanted you to understand that this is a biological urge he’s feeling. It’s different than anything you feel. So, although it’s tough to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, remember that men are different than women and his feelings are very different from yours.

That said. Since you are doing other things that can relieve him, sexually, it sounds like he’s just really ready to have intercourse with you, and you’re not. I don’t think a sex therapist is going to help you — I have to agree with him, here. The incompatibility is pretty simple, and putting a damper on conversations about sex isn’t going to help the problem. It’s going to make it worse. It will be like this elephant in the room, and/or he’s going to find someone to have sex with and you’ll consider it cheating, while he’ll consider it “just sex”. And you’ll both be right.

So, let’s look at the practical parameters of your problem. You want to wait until marriage for intercourse, and there is no engagement or wedding date on the horizon. 😕 I don’t know how long the two of you have been dating — that information would help! If it’s been over a year, and he’s not ready to commit to marriage, and you’re not ready to have sex, I think you’ve got a deal breaker in front of you. Lots of people love each other, but they have deal breakers that make relationships fail. These can be religious differences, cultural differences, energy differences, money or education or career differences, wanting kids and not wanting kids differences, etc. If this is very important to you, then you have to honor it. But it would be a good idea to be clear, yourself on this. If you’re not wanting to wait for marriage, then you have to figure out what it is you are wanting to wait for, or what it is that’s making you want to wait. Let me know the answer to this, so I can help you further.

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[Tec13]

We started seeing each other in July. So it’s not a very long relationship yet but despite this incompatibility it seems like it will last. He doesn’t want to get married until he feels financially stable which as long as he is living on base he won’t. I’m at a different point with that as I have already graduated from college. My wanting to wait originated with my religious beliefs but I fear it my have developed into almost a fear to lose my innocence. If that is the case I really need to figure out a way to get over it. Thank you for your insights they are very helpful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. If you need anything else, I’m here! 🙂

In the meantime, understand that both his sex drive at his age, as well as his desire to be financially stable before getting engaged, are both very normal behaviors for men. That said, it’s also normal for people who have strong religious and cultural beliefs to want to remain virgins until marriage. You may have a basic incompatibility.

Your insight that your desire to remain a virgin until marriage — or sometime before then — may be something other than a religious conviction, is a clever one. Time for some self examination! 😉

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