[Anonymous]

hi, So i’ve just had a long convo with my bf of 2 years, and im not sure what i should do. He works monday to friday till about 6pm. I just got a new job and I work thursday – tuesday 3am-230pm. He lives about a hour and a half away from me and neither of us drive so that is by bus. We usually hang out once a week on a weekend, but now due to my new job it isnt going to work. Neither of us can change our shifts. We really love eachother, but recently we have been fighting about eveyrthing. I dont know if we should just break up or stay together. Breaking up would be my last option. We talked about moving in together, but he cant move out of his appartament for another 9 months. What do you think we should do? I really want to try to make it work. Fighting we can work on, but only seeing eachother once a week for maybe 3 hours wont work that well. Do you have any suggestions for us? Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your job is the one that is the straw that broke the camel’s back, since his hours, Monday through Friday until 6 p.m. are very normal. Your five day work week from Thursday through Tuesday overlaps every single weekend, which is normally when people date, and your work hours from 3 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. put you on a schedule that is entirely different from almost everyone else’s I would think.

Even if you were dating someone else who had a car and/or lived close to your home, the only days you could really date would be Tuesday night and Wednesday night. And it sounds like your schedule requires you to sleep during normal daylight hours so you can show up at work at 3 a.m.

I’m not sure how old you are, or if you’re in school as well as working, but your job hours are going to pose an impediment to any relationship that you’re in — even if you’re married and living with someone.

If this is a job you are truly committed to — for instance if this is a medical internship or some other crucial step in a career, I understand why you need these hours. Or if you’ve just come off a long stretch of unemployment, and having a job — any job — is crucial to your financial well being, I get it again. Otherwise, I think you need to look for a different job that has normal hours.

[Anonymous]

I have been unemployed for a while. So I need this job. But what can we do about us? SHould we try or is it not even worth trying?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In order to be in any relationship you have to be in a certain healthy place yourself. And for the relationship to work, both people have to be ready. If your financial situation is a high priority, which it sounds like yours is since you’ve been out of work for a long time and just got a job (CONGRATULATIONS!!) that job has to take priority over your dating relationship because in order for you to be emotionally stress free to be in the relationship, you have to be able to put food on the table and a roof over your head. If you can’t feed and clothe yourself then you’re not going to be able to date well. So your job, even with it’s cumbersome hours, really has to be your focus right now.

If you turned down the job so that you could be available to date your boyfriend, you’d end up being resentful, or he’d end up feeling pressured and possibly resentful, and your financial problems would take a toll on the relationship and on you that would be greater than your not having a job and having financial pressures that would take it’s toll on the relationship and you.

So, keep the job. For now. It’s solving a big problem in your life (finances), and be grateful for that. In the meantime, however, continue to look for a job with better hours while you’re employed even though I know that job hunting and working at the same time is stressful. Share your plan with your boyfriend so that he understands that you’re trying to take care of yourself (which has to come first in order to be a healthy girlfriend), and that you’re trying to make things better for the relationship by looking for work with better hours while you’re in this job.

The relationship probably won’t sustain like this forever, but it will for a while because your boyfriend will understand that you’re doing the best that you can. The question is is he willing to have a girlfriend that he sees so little of. Don’t press the question. The ball’s in his court. You be your best self while taking care of business, and hope that the job market brings you a better job soon.

This isn’t ideal, but it’s a good reminder that life has ups and downs and we all have to weather them, even when there are costs. Put your big picture glasses on and celebrate the fact that you solved your financial problem by getting a new job, and now you have to look for a better one while keeping this one. The relationship comes second in this case.

[Member]

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