[bellabee]

Hi,

I’m really struggling at the moment and am hoping for some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post!!

I’ve had a crush on a guy that I work with for months. Finally, we were out together one night at his friend’s birthday (away from work people) and he told me he knew I liked him – he was flirty with me though so it wasn’t an awkward conversation. We spoke for ages and he told me that he was in a difficult situation because he said he did like me / was attracted to me but he’s made it a rule to himself not to date co-workers. He said it’s risky because we don’t know all that much about each other (as I’m shy around him in the office) and chances are high that things wouldn’t work out as most relationships don’t.

I pretty much accepted that and did my best to keep a brave face so the mood was light. But during the night we continued talking just the two of us and he told me alot about himself and his past relationships and wanted to know more about me. He’d told me about a month back when we were out at another party that he had told me he mistook my shyness in the office as “game playing” with him so he wanted to know more about why I was like that.

I made a joke saying “what’s the point wanting to know more about me, you’ve already made up your mind” and he said “no I haven’t”, But at the end of the night it sounded to me like he’d made up his mind and that while he’s attracted to me it wasn’t going to happen.

Now I’m a bit of a pessimist (I do that to protect myself) so I have taken what he’s said and made myself understand that it’s not going to happen. I have to be fair to myself too and not waste my time pining over someone when it’s likely nothing will happen.

So Monday morning we are back at work and I don’t know how to act around him!! This is my dilemma. I give him props because he did try and make me feel comfortable – he’d smile and say hi and ask how I am, or walk past me and poke his tongue out at me. I would always respond in a nice way (ie, smile back etc) but I wouldn’t linger. So I’d basically just keep to myself and only say hi if I walked by him. I do this for a few reasons:

1) I want him to know that I understand what he said to me and I’m not going to push him or try and make him like me. Also that I’m trying to move on so I don’t flirt with him anymore
2) To protect my feelings because let’s face it, I was rejected and it kinda hurts still!

I think he must have picked up on the fact that I’m keeping my distance and not doing what I used to (we’d often stare at each other across the office, flirt, things like that) and he seems annoyed / upset? I can’t pinpoint it??? He’s basically acting how he’d act in the past when he mistook my shyness as game playing.

I’m guessing what triggered it is I may have walked past him once or twice and not acknowledged him but come on! Its an office and I don’t look at every single person every time I walk past them (I’m trying to treat him as I would any other work colleague).

I picked up on this so on the Friday I made sure to be friendlier to him but he was just flat to me? Like he would respond but he wasn’t his cheery self. We were all eating in the lunch room and he came in too when I was there but he was so strange. I don’t think he was annoyed but he was just strange (that’s the only word I can use to explain it). He would glance over at me every now and then and I’d smile and I think he’d smile back (??) but he was quieter than usual. I think we said one or two things to eachother but it was weird. I don’t know what to take from this because he could see I was trying to be friendly to make up for things but he seemed down? Or over it? or angry? I can’t figure out how he is feeling!

I don’t know how I should act now because I am trying so hard to move on from him. It’s so much easier for me to do this by just not being his friend and only being an acquaintance (ie, smile and say hi but that’s it) but that’s obviously making him angry and upset. He must surely understand I can’t straight away just be good friends with him after being turned down but I think he thinks we would be closer after we talked about so many things the week before.

What should I do – how do I approach this because lets face it, I have to see this guy every day. Do you have any ideas from his behavior what he is thinking? Is he angry at me for being cold??

I don’t want him to be angry or not want anything to do with me. I just wish things would be better so I can focus on moving on.

Please help!!

[AskApril Masini]

My big piece of advice to you is to [b]stop[/b] over thinking this relationship. You’re analyzing every little detail and nuance, and you’re making yourself crazy as well as spending way too much time thinking about what [i]he[/i] thinks, how you should respond, etc. Quit thinking about his feelings and behavior!

Next, I’d like you to focus on what you want. Since you’ve already decided that the best way to deal with a man that you like, but who’s rejected you[i] and[/i] who you have to see every day at work, is to basically ignore him and go about your business, then [i]that’s what you should do.[/i] Instead, you’re still trying to second guess his feelings and adjust your behavior to accommodate him in order to make HIM feel more comfortable. You need to let go of your investment in his feelings. He’s not a guy you’re going to be investing energy in, so don’t. Instead, implement your plan for dealing with him, which is to ignore him enough for YOU to get through your work days while he’s in your presence. Make your behavior fit your needs — not his.

The more able you are to let go, the easier it will be for you to be open and available to other men who may be more interested and compatible with you.

[Member]

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