[Florelle]

I have been close to this guy I met in August. I met him the week I had a bad breakup when my boyfriend decided he wanted a new girlfriend and showed me the curb. This guy and I came close to dating once a few months ago, but he totally backed off after getting closer to me. He says I have qualities he wants in a girlfriend. I share absolutely everything with him, including the past mistakes I made. I had been divorced twice (picked really bad guys and had been deceived). He frowns on this, but he accepts me. I have been unmarried since 2002. I one day told him how I had been young and stupid and got seduced in my first marriage by another man and cheated on my husband. He says he can’t trust any woman and has been betrayed many times. Am I screwed? Have I made it impossible for us to ever start dating? He came on pretty strong in the beginning, with a lot of reservations and kept asking me why we have to be so alike with one another. I wasn’t sure if it were the trust factor alone, or the fact that I spend all my free time with him. Or perhaps he still thinks I am on the rebound. I have no feelings for my ex boyfriend any more. I really don’t understand what’s going on with him and if we will ever have a chance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’ve been divorced twice before, it’s time to learn from your mistakes and choose more wisely. For starters, if a guy isn’t into you, don’t try to convince him that you’re the right person for him. 😕 This guy frowns on your divorces (those are a part of who you are, and aren’t going to go away, ever), so right off the bat, he’s probably not the right person for you. Then he tells you he can’t trust women because he has some past issues he hasn’t worked through — that’s strike two! And the fact that you met him on the rebound the week your boyfriend dumped you, is probably reason to doubt your judgment.

My advice is to cool it and start playing the field. It would be great if you met a guy who DOES trust women and who understands your mistakes, and sees your evolution (make sure you have some! 😉 ). You also shouldn’t spend all your free time with a guy because it’s hard for you to see things with clear eyes. You need perspective so you can choose someone wisely this time! The third time needs to be your charm. 😀

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Florelle]

That does all make sense. I wonder now if maybe I have been replacing the loss of the ex’s love with love for this guy. If that’s the case I haven’t been fair to him or myself. He’s been single and lonely awhile too and it almost seems like we both fell into those feelings. He may have come to that realization faster then I did.

I wonder also if this other thing I did made matters worse?. I was feeling really down one day and I blurted out that I have been just dating anyone because I can’t find anyone better. I know when I examine my life it isn’t true but of course it just created this huge argument over my not being who I say I am. He now thinks I am desperate. I apologized and told him it was a lack of judgement when I said this about myself because I know it isn’t true but I believed it that day. I know we all sometimes think incorrect things about ourselves when we are down. Do you think my acting this way further hammered a nail in the coffin? I know this breakup really shook me and my mind wasn’t clear. I wasn’t lying to him, I just had a clouded mind and I know better now.

[brip6]

I have been twice divorced too and I understand the stigma attached to it.I’m 45 and back on the dating scene again after 10 years of marriage ended.Both sexes have reservations about trust,especially this day and time.
I’m not here to give you advice just to empathize with you.If was cornered and had to give some I guess I’d say to ask him how to gain his trust.It may be different for each man.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]…I blurted out that I have been just dating anyone because I can’t find anyone better. I know when I examine my life it isn’t true but of course it just created this huge argument over my not being who I say I am. He now thinks I am desperate. I apologized and told him it was a lack of judgement when I said this about myself because I know it isn’t true but I believed it that day. I know we all sometimes think incorrect things about ourselves when we are down. Do you think my acting this way further hammered a nail in the coffin? [/quote]

Yikes. 😯

That definitely did some damage…. [i]and[/i] you were probably telling the truth, even if it was inappropriate to say. 😳

[b]brlp6[/b] was generous with her experience, and it’s understandable that it’s hard to trust after two divorces — but the remedy to that fear of trusting is to really try and figure out why went wrong in the prior two marriages and what you can do to choose someone right this time around. Or, you understand that there is no insurance when it comes to matters of the heart, and that relationships ebb and flow and not everyone has a “till death do us part” relationship. There are lots of ways to look at the world, and to look at relationships, too. You have to find one way that works for you so that you’re not operating from a place of fear. Being smart about dating doesn’t have to be fearful dating or dating scared. 😉

It doesn’t really sound like this guy is ready to trust, and until you’re ready to trust, it’s going to place a big burden on the partner — which is what you’re feeling. Unfortunately, there may be some truth in your faux pas! You started dating this guy the exact week your boyfriend dumped you, and I’m pretty sure that if you were clear headed and stayed single for a while before jumping into another back to back relationship, you might have chosen someone more appropriate for a long term relationship rather than just someone who was there for comfort from the break up.

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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