[Rebecca1965]

I’m new to this forum and I joined because I’m too embarrassed to ask the people I know personally for advice. Sorry if that means I am ‘using you’.

I know that there is a very good chance he may never share his weekends with me, I already know that, but how do I stop the madness of this? How do I walk away? How do I tell him to just ‘go to h3ll’ and still maintain a work relationship. We work together on the same team (we are professionals) we are a few cubes from each other, see each other every work day. What can I say, what can I do. I also do not want him to know that I am so hurt over all of this. The situation is below:

A male co-worker I’ve known since Feb 2011 and he worked at a remote site (90 miles away) moved to my site in Sep 2012. In November he started inviting me to his house 2 days a week to cook for me and we would cuddle on the couch. Lots of intmacy but no sex. In February he wanted to give his ex-girlfriend (whom he moved to my area to get away from) another chance. I gave him his space (we never see each other on the weekends) then in late April he started acting again like I was the most important person in his world (during the week) and now we spend some very good quality time during the week, he even invited me to look at houses with him (since he wants to buy one). However I never see him on the weekends. We use to text on the weekends but the last 4 weekends he has been completely silent. He wants to go get a massage together and wants to go to Mexico together again and he never really tries anything physical unless I do first and I don’t hear from him on the weekends. He has some issues like he says his parents never hugged him or told him they loved him. He hates his parents and gets nervous when he has to deal with them and asks me for advice. I know this is no excuse. I don’t even know how I feel about him. I know when we are together it feels like we belong. I’m from a dysfunctional home too so I honestly have no idea what ‘love’ is. I am 47 and he is 37, that is probably important information. I am afraid to ask him about this 1) I don’t want to look like a fool 2) I’ll be devestated if he tells me he’s back with his ex or uses the ‘friend’ word. Should I just turn our relationship strictly back over to work? He talks to me all day long and we spend at least 2 week nights together. How can I just ‘go cold’ on him. If he notices what can I say to him? Yes I am this clueless.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not clueless, but you are letting your fears run your life. 😳 If you’re afraid of looking like a fool, and that fear is causing you not to ask questions that will help you make good decisions, sadly, you will end up being foolish. 😕 And if you’re so afraid to find out that he’s seeing someone else that you don’t ask or consider that possibility, trust me, you’re a perfect candidate for “the other woman”. 🙁 This problem you’re writing me about has less to do with this guy and more to do with you becoming someone who figures out what she wants and then gets it — instead of letting her fears rule her, and drive her into a failed relationship and a waste of important time. 😉

Let’s look at the fear of looking like a fool — or fear of what others think — that’s causing you to make bad decisions. I’m sure you’ve watched Sex and The City — and you can catch some reruns even now so that you realize, the heroes in that show all take a pie to the face in each episode. The entire series — a series that women (and men) adored because the characters were so great — all were embarrassed in public, regularly. And we loved them because they tried to learn from their mistakes. You, my friend, are taking your own opportunities to star in your life, away from yourself because you’re afraid to look foolish.

Now, for your specific questions:

[quote]Should I just turn our relationship strictly back over to work? He talks to me all day long and we spend at least 2 week nights together. How can I just ‘go cold’ on him. If he notices what can I say to him? [/quote]

At age 47, I’m going to go out on a limb here 😆 and guess that you want a long-term, romantic relationship that is monogamous and leads to marriage. And if that’s true, then you have to focus on that and go for it! You can’t date — or even waste your time in the friend zone — with men who aren’t serious candidates for your co-star in life. 😉 If you’ve never had sex with this guy, and there’s no religious or cultural reason for it, and he’s 37 — why are you spending time with him — unless you don’t want sex? Whatever the reason, at age 37, he’s old enough to take responsibility for the way his parents raised him, etc. Those are now poor excuses. I’m guessing, however, that he’s having sex with other women, and he’s definitely seeing his ex-girlfriend. His weekends are not being spent reading books by the fireplace. 😕 A guy who doesn’t see you on weekends has a wife or a serious girlfriend. And guess what? You don’t have to ask him about it — the fact that he doesn’t see you on weekends is all you need to know.

So, yes, you should just see him as a work colleague, and look elsewhere for Mr. Right, and you should tell him that you’re not going to be spending any more time with him, and just leave it at that — so that YOU have closure. I also strongly recommend that you buy and read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right — because it’s going to help you get on track — and stay there to win. Here’s the link for that book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. 😀

And try to think of yourself as the star of your life — not the character that all the Sex and the City Women walk by and feel sorry for because she’s in a relationship that’s going nowhere, and life is passing her by. 😳

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