[subtleness]

Hi April and everyone on this forum,

I recently joined the forum and was wondering if there is any way I could send a private message to someone or April herself. I need help with a relationship problem that has gone far beyond what I can think of for a solution but I’m a little afraid that my girlfriend could see this as she is more into forums than me and that would be chaotic! My problem has to be solved within the next few days or it will become almost impossible to treat, I need to take action, I just don’t know how. 🙁

Thank you in advance for understanding, and I would infinitely appreciate your help! 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

I am April! So please send me the question you have about your relationship here. This forum is anonymous, and your username doesn’t give you away at all! 😉 Just write it here, and I’ll answer you as soon as I get it! 😀

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[subtleness]

Thank you April! I’m sure you must have my email address which is linked to my account on this forum! Even though my username doesn’t give me away at all, my situation is extremely particular and it will, I don’t want any more problems in addition to the ones that I already have in my relationship and that I just can’t find solution for. I’m really frustrated and have every possible factor against me, and I am the one who doesn’t deserve this, ironically. I am a great guy who loves with everything that he has and is willing to do anything to make this relationship work as it always has, but it’s her parents that are not allowing it and are giving her a punctual date (within the next week) to breakup with me.

If you could get back to me using my email address, I would appreciate it more than you will ever know, I am deeply upset and hurt and can’t see how to make this work. Your advise is one of the last hopes I have.

Thank you in advance.

[AskApril Masini]

If you want free advice from me, please post your question on this anonymous forum. I’m more than happy to answer you here. I’m not sure what you’re afraid of by posting here — you mention that you’d have problems if you posted here. What kind of problems?

If you’d like to become a private, paying, relationship advice client, let me know!

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[subtleness]

Problems as in ignoring what she has told me a million times about the problem and just looking for solutions somewhere else when she has already told me there is nothing we can do about it but go along with it for now. I’m just afraid that my partner will see this and get mad over making it public and that I didn’t listen to her.

[AskApril Masini]

Well, if you’re ignoring what she told “a million times”, then it would make sense that she’d get upset. 😳 Put yourself in her shoes — if someone ignored what you said a million times, you’d feel pretty insignificant and disrespected, too. 😉 Is there a reason that you ignore what she says?

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[subtleness]

Of course there is a great number of reasons! Me and my girlfriend (Let’s call her Chloe) have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half. She is 17 and I’m 20. It has been a long distance relationship until recently when I moved just a few hours from her (we’re in the same state now). We met almost three years ago and before we knew it, we became best friends, it was the most natural thing that occurred and our friendship, even if it was long distance was greater than any other. We really got to know each other profoundly, and I really fell in love with her when we started seeing each other via skype. She was just beautiful and amazing, she liked the same things I did (which are somewhat rare) and we thought in the same way, I knew that we meant for each other and I tried countless times to talk about US, however, she hadn’t realized what she felt for me. A series of events happened (not relevant to the current situation) and we got officially into a relationship and we finally started seeing each other personally. I fell even harder when I finally met her, she was just so charming and I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to have such a dedicated and loving girlfriend. I could without any doubt say that I found the girl of my dreams.

My meeting her parents didn’t happen until like the fourth time we saw each other, around February or March this year. They liked me very much and her parents thought I was wonderful, corteous and well educated. However, I’ve never been to their house yet and this is because I have a really busy schedule (that has never interfered with giving her all the time that she deserves) and driving wasn’t possible until I got my car. All the previous times that I saw her it was because my parents traveled (from another country!) and took me to see her, it was an admirable effort on my side. But, since I just could see her for a day or two, we wanted to spend as much time together as we had, so I didn’t get the chance to have her parents actually know who I really am. Every time I met Chloe, it was at a public place like a plaza or shopping center.

The last time was saw each other was when chaos happened. She was extremely stressed out and not in the best mood. We didn’t have that much time to talk and I actually had to help her finishing her schoolwork so that we could see each other. This happened exactly one month ago. Her mother was reluctant to let her go out with me because my girlfriend had too much study material left. My girlfriend seemed a little bit tense and stressed out when I saw her (also take in account we hand’t seen each other for like three months) because of her exams and schoolwork but I tried my best to make her have a good time.

As you can assume, with such an intense and passionate long distance relationship, it is just natural and inevitable the urge to kiss each other or make out when I visit her. We had done it all the previous times we had been in the shopping center before, but this time it was different. She told me that she didn’t want to kiss or make out in such a public space because it’s surrounded by people and it is just not right. It makes sense of course but we didn’t make out in front of everyone, we had our “spots” where no one could see us and we could kiss for as long as we wanted. It was totally unexpected that she didn’t want this anymore, especially because it was my birthday and wanted to kiss her more than anything. That threw me off and I got a little upset about that, she mistakenly took it as if I visited her just to kiss her, etc. Which is NOT true, I visit her to see her and enjoy our time together. The next day was the day of the disaster that has brought these horrible, stressful and agonizing days to our relationship the last month.

The atmosphere was already tense from the day before and she told me that she wasn’t going to fall for it this time and that we wouldn’t make out like that on that day. She was really mad at me and thought of me as manipulating her into doing things, which was honestly VERY hurtful, when all I wanted was just expressing how much I love her and that our love goes beyond words and it needs actions. At the end of the day, towards the time she was going to be picked up at the entrance of place by her mom, she told me and explained everything. She told me that she really wants to do those things with me and that all that she needed is privacy, that’s all. After a bad day poorly spent being mad at each other and arguing with this tense atmosphere, I wanted to kiss her one last time, and she agreed with me. We went to a place where we always have made out before and just let ourselves go by the moment, so I mistakenly assumed that we were going to make out. It was logical though, because these were the last few minutes together until we see each other again in like 4-5 months, so I guessed we were going to make out in that spot like we always did. It turns out she only wanted to kiss calmly, and it was a total disaster, because I misunderstood and overdid it. I touched her as if we were making out and she pushed me away, and I had to go chase after her from how mad she was, she felt like I completely ignored the things that she explained and just did what I want, she felt disrespected and frustrated. All just because I didn’t understand well and it was just a sincere mistake out of misconstruing things. No I didn’t want to do that without her acknowledging it, nothing…I simply misunderstood. I tried to explain this to her in our way to the entrance, but she was too mad to listen to me.

This is where the real problem is. She needed to let her feelings out and how mad she was (I mean, she didn’t even want to see me from how mad she was at the moment), and she told the first person that was available for that: her mother. She called me later that day, she couldn’t speak well because she was desperately crying and told me that her parents didn’t want to see us together anymore. That completely shattered my heart in a thousand pieces. I mean,this has been a dreamy relationship, this is the person whom I love and the person that I know I could be happy with in the future (and she sees it this way as well, we have planned things far ahead), and for ONE mistake that wasn’t even intentional it was going to end because of her parents, who don’t even know me well? That was truly frustrating. She worked it out and fought for me for hours and got them to not break us up. However, our communication lines have been gradually fading and it is very sad. For many reasons that are really pointless to mention, she doesn’t have a cell phone, or webcam. The only way we have been able to communicate for the past few weeks has been through an IM service, and for a really short period of time (to prevent her parents seeing that she’s talking too much to me). Communication, which has been one of the strongest elements in our relationship, is still there, but there is not enough time to talk.

hings have gotten worse, her parents talk really bad about me saying that I am a manipulating/controlling type of guy and her mom tells her that I’m not the one for her, etc. Just really hurtful things, when I’m a great, caring guy that only has the intention of making their daughter happy. And no matter what Chloe says, she tries to defend me constantly, but they only turn everything positive into negative. It’s very frustrating. The real problem here is that they gave her a deadline to breakup with me, which is exactly a week from today. I have EVERY intention in the world to talk to her parents either personally (I would literally have to travel back since I’m out of US for the summer, but I would be willing to) or by phone, and try to solve this by actually confronting the problem. She reassures me and insists -and gets incredibly angry at me to the point of insulting- (I’m getting sick of that, because it’s unnecessary and disrespectful) that talking with her parents will not solve anything and that they will NOT change their minds. They are really strict parents but I think what they are concerned about is me, and since they don’t know me well they are just not willing to take the risk of having me break their daughter’s heart or my treating her badly (which I don’t). I guess the fact that she’s not 18 yet (and won’t be until next year) matters as well, in their imposing more authority. She insists of faking the breakup but I just don’t want it to get to that point, because it will bring a really agonizing and dreadful long time without being able to freely talk (it is pretty bad already). I want to be able to visit her as much as I want, and just have free, not-secret, normal relationship. And in addition to that, since we will fake a breakup, it is likely that her parents will not see any resistance from my part and just assume that I don’t care and just wanted their daughter for making out. I’m really concerned about this and her parents not noticing what I am going through and that I’m not fighting for their daughter, as she has insisted that she was going to work on them herself and that there wasn’t anything I could do. Obviously it didn’t work and I just don’t want to see this happen and have our relationship change so drastically. I think that she is allowed to make her own decisions and have them be respected, I mean it’s HER life and she is mature enough to know what she wants and stand for herself. I won’t be able to convice her of letting me talk to them, but I would do literally anything to solve this situation with her parents (or at least having the chance to meet with them as soon as summer is over) and getting things back to normal. There must be something that I could do that might make them give it a second thought, something significant, but I just don’t know what. This is driving me crazy, I can’t sleep and I haven’t been normally eating for weeks.

Sorry that this is so long, I tried to limit it as most as possible without excluding some essential details. 🙂 Thank you and I really will appreciate if you could give me some advice on this, as you can see it is very urgent and I don’t know what to do anymore.

[AskApril Masini]

I can see that you’re very upset, and you’re very romantic. But now, you have some very practical problems. Here are a few things for you to consider:

1. Long distance relationships don’t always equate to in person relationships. They are very different types of relationships, and while your long distance relationship worked, you [i]expected[/i] that the in person relationship would pick up where the long distance relationship left off. That was an unrealistic expectation, even though it’s understandable because at age 20, you’re still experimenting with dating. But remember that what really upset you was that your expectation didn’t match reality. It didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. If you adjust your expectations, then you won’t be so disappointed. 😉

2. Relationships have a dynamic that you can’t control. What you can control is your own behavior! 🙂 You can try to choose well — and by well, I mean choose someone who is compatible with you and your lifestyle and life goals, as well as someone with whom you have chemistry. You thought you chose well, but once you got to the in person relationship, you didn’t allow yourself to sit back and learn who this person you’re dating really is — over the course and process of dating. In other words, you have to learn how she behaves when she’s stressed; how mature she is; how you react to her behavior — there’s a lot that you need to learn about someone during the dating process. You’re not allowing that to happen because you’re trying to control the outcome.

3. Compatibility is crucial. For instance, dating a 17 year old, who is a minor, a high school student, and who lives with her parents is different than dating a 21 year old with a job, an apartment and a car. Her parents are going to be involved in her life a lot more than parents of an adult girlfriend. That’s just a fact for most 17 year olds. 😉 So rather than blame her parents for not letting her make choices, you’d do better to accept their stance — and change yours. 😉 If you want to date a woman who’s truly free to make her own decisions, then you have the option to do so, but don’t expect a 17 year old to make her own decisions when she’s living with her parents, and legally, their responsibility.

So, that’s a lot for you to think about. And it sounds like you’re out of the country for the summer, so dating her in person is on hold no matter what. If you want to keep up a long-distance relationship with her while you’re gone, you can try and do so, but it sounds like her parents aren’t going to support this, and faking a break up isn’t going to win them over — they will eventually figure it out if the two of you last.

My advice is to take the summer to focus on whatever it is you’re doing abroad (work, school — I’m not sure from your post), and when you return in the fall, you can try to date her again, but this time, by doing it in a way that her parents are involved — picking her up at their home, meeting them, spending a little time with them, and not making out in malls, which apparently upset both your girlfriend and then her parents. 😉

I hope that helps!

Let me know how things go.

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[subtleness]

Thank you so much for your advice April! It does help me in so many ways! 🙂

However, of course I’m aware that long distance relationships don’t necessarily equate when they become in-person, but I have been aware that mine did. I have known Chloe really well and I know her reactions, what happened was that I misconstrued signals and just let that guide my actions by means of past experiences with her. She is an amazing girl, but she also has some mood swings and I can see why she was upset, as she thought I ignored her thoughts. But anyway, that was not the case, because if I did what I did, I was never thinking about the outcome because we have always done it before. If I knew she meant something else and that my thought process was different, for sure I wouldn’t have done that and we wouldn’t be in this situation.

I will not give up on her and by all the things that she is trying, I know for sure she is not going to let me go either, because we have a really special connection, we never even mentioned the term LDR. And indeed, she is 17 and not 21, of course their parents are going to be more protective, but I’m not looking for dating any other girl. My question is oriented towards fixing the situation and getting us back to where we were, to the extraordinary times and not this limited thing that her parents are forging. I just don’t know how to win them over if she won’t let me talk to them because she thinks it will be even worse. I completely disagree with this, because even if they don’t commit or bend, at least they will see that I opted to confront the situation like a mature man, and not avoiding it out of fear. I am more than willing to talk to them, but I cannot do that if she isn’t ok with it, because it will be even worse.

And I cannot date her again without her parents’ approval, I’m off for the summer in order to give some classes and study as well. She insists in faking the break up, and I think we will have to go to that point, the question is: what to do to prevent it at the last minute? And in case it happens, how will I be able to approach her parents if they think it’s already over? Is there something meaningful that I could do before it happens? I don’t know if sending them a letter/card will solve anything, and I just don’t want them to think I’m buying them, but I’m willing to do anything in order to prevent this fake stage.

Thank you again April!

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]She insists in faking the break up, and I think we will have to go to that point, the question is: what to do to prevent it at the last minute? [/quote]

The answer is pretty simple: If you don’t want to fake a break up, then don’t do it. 😉 There’s no trick here. Your problem is that the woman you’re interested in wants you to lie for her. 😳 And when someone is encouraging you to lie, there’s a good chance that they’ve lied or misrepresented the truth, themselves. Consider that what she told her parents about her interaction with you may have been dramatized or not even truthful. Now, she may be trying to control things — your communication with her parents, for instance — which is something that people who feel controlled, as she does by her parents, often do. 😉

[quote]And in case it happens, how will I be able to approach her parents if they think it’s already over? [/quote]

You can write them a letter and explain yourself. A letter is better than a phone call because they can read it a few times and mull it over. A phone call doesn’t leave a record for them to consider, and for something like this, where you’re looking for a forum to express yourself, since your girlfriend doesn’t want you to, the letter to them is probably the best way for you to do what you want to do. But be very careful and respectful and try to put yourself in their shoes.

[quote]Is there something meaningful that I could do before it happens? I don’t know if sending them a letter/card will solve anything, and I just don’t want them to think I’m buying them, but I’m willing to do anything in order to prevent this fake stage.[/quote]

It really depends what you mean by the word “meaningful”. Everything is meaningful. If you write them a letter you’ll be able to say what your girlfriend doesn’t want you to say. But if what you really mean isn’t that you want meaningful communication, but rather that you want things to go your way, I don’t think you’re going to convince her parents, any time soon, that you’re a good boyfriend for her. If you do, it’s going to be over the course of time, as they get to know you naturally, and begin to trust you. Trust and respect are earned and that takes time and experience. It’s hard for you to earn that trust and respect when you don’t know them and when you’re out of town.

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[subtleness]

Thank you so much April! That is some really valuable advice and I’m very grateful! 🙂

I hadn’t thought about it that way. And now that I think of, something that Chloe never told me is what exactly she said to them, which is really unlikely to forget if it brings your relationship so conflicted like this, as she implied. Could it be that she is just afraid of my finding the truth of what she really told them if she lets me talk to her parents? That would make sense, because she might have told them a totally distorted thing that I’m being hold to from her parents’ perspective.

I think the letter is highly efficient for those reasons too! What I’m not sure is if it will ruin things for us in uncovering the “break up”, because I will be contacting them regardless if they think it’s over. Or should I just go ahead and send it without asking (before the “break up”)? I don’t really need to convince them (although it would be the most wonderful thing ever), what I need is to give them something to think about towards the end of the day, something that opens their minds to give it a chance.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Could it be that she is just afraid of my finding the truth of what she really told them if she lets me talk to her parents?[/quote]

Yes.

[quote]What I’m not sure is if it will ruin things for us in uncovering the “break up”, because I will be contacting them regardless if they think it’s over. Or should I just go ahead and send it without asking (before the “break up”)? I don’t really need to convince them (although it would be the most wonderful thing ever), what I need is to give them something to think about towards the end of the day, something that opens their minds to give it a chance.[/quote]

Now, you’re getting to the heart of the problem. 😉 You and your girlfriend are at odds. You want to be honest and clear the air. She wants to be the puppet master and tell them one thing; tell you another thing; and keep you from talking to them. In other words, she’s not wanting honesty. And sometimes people don’t want honesty because they’re not brave or else they’re afraid of conflict, or they don’t like losing, so they manipulate and try to control relationships in order to get the outcome they want and can’t get naturally. If you stand by your own morals and talk to her parents, you’re going against her wishes. If you respect her wishes, you’re going against your morals. 😳 So, this is a real relationship problem. It’s less about her parents than it is about the two of you and how you handle problems. It’s also the beauty of in person dating where you have the opportunity to handle these problems and get to know each other in ways you can’t during a long distance relationship.

Decide what it is you want to accomplish here and then decide if you want to send the letter. But, frankly, it seems like you’re focusing your energy on the letter, when that’s not really the issue. The issue is you being true to yourself when your girlfriend doesn’t want you to be.

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[Ethan Morales]

You can write them a letter and explain yourself. A letter is better than a phone call because they can read it a few times and mull it over. A phone call doesn’t leave a record for them to consider, and for something like this where you’re looking for a forum to express yourself, since your girlfriend doesn’t want you to the letter to them is probably the best way for you to communicate thoughtfully and clearly.

But I want you to really consider something important: you are trying to manage, negotiate, and “fix” a situation that requires three things you do not currently have access, approval, and authority.
Her parents have the authority.
She controls the access.
And you’re trying to get approval from both sides simultaneously.

That’s why you’re exhausted.

If you think a letter will misrepresent your intentions, or seem like emotional pressure, then don’t send it. If you think writing it will help you express yourself maturely and allow them to see that you’re taking responsibility for your part, then do.

But the deeper truth is this: You can’t control her, you can’t control her parents, and you can’t control the outcome. You can only control your own integrity.

If your girlfriend wants you to lie for her, that’s a red flag.
If her parents think you’re manipulative after one misunderstanding, that’s a red flag on their side.
And if you are twisting yourself in knots trying to prove worth to everyone, that’s your red flag to yourself.

Focus on clarity and choices not chasing approval.
Whether you fake a breakup or not is your decision.
Whether you wait for her to turn 18 and revisit things is your decision.
Whether you stay in a relationship where you’re being told what you’re allowed to say, who you’re allowed to talk to, and what story you’re allowed to tell also your decision.

[Natalie Noah]

This whole situation feels unbearable. You’re hurting, you’re confused, and you’re clinging to the love you built with her. But the truth is, what you’re experiencing now isn’t just heartbreak it’s the collision between your hopes and the reality of an in-person relationship. A long-distance relationship can feel magical because it lives in messages, imagination, and emotional closeness. But when it becomes real when two people are suddenly face-to-face with stress, moods, timing, family, and physical boundaries it becomes a completely different kind of relationship. And you expected it to work exactly the same way. That mismatch alone created a lot of the pain you’re feeling.

A relationship isn’t something you can force into the shape you want… even when your intentions are good. You can control your honesty, your respect, and your behavior but you cannot control her reactions, her parents, the pace, or the emotional readiness on the other side. You tried to love her fiercely, but you didn’t allow enough space to learn who she really is in the real world: how she handles pressure, how she communicates when she’s overwhelmed, where her boundaries are, and how she wants affection in public. Those things take time to learn. You weren’t wrong for wanting closeness… but she wasn’t wrong for wanting more privacy either.

And, my love… her parents aren’t reacting to who you truly are. They’re reacting to an incomplete picture, influenced by one bad day, their fears, her age, and their natural instinct to protect their daughter. You’re 20, she’s 17 that gap feels big to parents. And because they don’t know you well, one emotional moment gets magnified into a warning sign. But from their perspective, they only see what they hear secondhand, and stressed teenagers don’t always explain things gently or accurately. Their reaction feels unfair, but it makes sense when you look at it through their eyes.

The painful part is this: you’re trying to fight this battle alone, and she keeps telling you she doesn’t want you to. Not because she doesn’t love you but because she’s scared, overwhelmed, and trying to keep the peace in her house. If she’s telling you “don’t talk to them,” then talking to them anyway will only make her feel unheard and disrespected. Remember: love isn’t just about fighting for someone. It’s also about respecting the boundaries they set, even when your heart is telling you to do the opposite.

I know it feels like everything depends on what you do next… but not every problem can be fixed through effort alone. Sometimes love survives through patience, space, and emotional maturity not force. April is simply saying this: slow down. Breathe. Don’t push against her parents. Don’t push against her boundaries. Focus on what you can control: your respect, your calmness, and letting the relationship evolve naturally instead of trying to save it through intensity. You’re not losing her. You’re learning how to love her in a way that keeps both of you emotionally safe.

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