[Kabirsal]

It’s a weird question, but I really need to know. I recently got back with an ex-boyfriend after a really rough past together. We dated for our last two years of High School, but during that time, I was enduring alot of stress from an abusive family member and was severely mentally screwed up (depression, suicidal, violent, verbally abusive, etc) and took it out on my boyfriend. He was really sweet in the beginning and understanding, but in the last 6 months before he dumped me, he began also being emotionally abusive and no longer supportive of me. He even waited until the day before Valentine’s Day to breakup with me, just to hurt me as much as possible as revenge for what I had done to him for two years.

Well, needless to say, after losing him, I realized what I had done. I had turned a sweet, gentle, loving boy who cared about me (and was really the only one who loved me at the time and supported me as I was going through therapy) into a bitter, apathetic clod. Well, that following summer, we both went to two completely different states for university… and two more years have passed. We have kept in touch since the breakup two years ago, and within the last 6 months, we started visiting each other and actually becoming intimate (physically), but he never would disclose much emotional information with me. Well, three or four times I begged him back, and for some reason he finally decided to say yes two nights ago. So, we’re back together… after knowing each other for four years (dating for the first two of them).

My dilemma arises in this: he told me that the stipulation with us being back together is that I cannot expect him to love me yet. He says I make him happy in a way, but because of what I did to him when we were younger has hardened his heart (which is true, because during the last two years of University, he has not dated anyone at all), and he doesn’t know how to express emotion anymore. And, to make things more complicated, we’re 4 hours away, in two bordering states.

So, my question (finally) is what can I do to make him feel emotion and love again? I love him so much and he and I both acknowledge that I’ve done so much better now that my abusive family member is in jail, I’ve gone through therapy, and am living on my own 15 hours away from the place where those memories are held. I’ve changed completely, and I just want to help him to change now, too. I want to reverse the damage I’ve done.

Please, help…

~Saloni

[js1585]

It’s always hard going back out with an ex. People change though there is always the wandering thought in the back of their head reminding them of why you broke up and them wondering if you are going to treat them the same again.

I myself have been in his position before so I can speak from experience, by your actions when you were going out the last time it sounds like your relationship got too deep and the only way to cope was for him to take it out on you. To stop himself loving you he had to make himself hate you, imagine after you broke up he’d been making himself hate you for all those months. He was making himself hate you so that he wouldn’t be sorry that you broke up, even though deep down during the relationship before he cracked his heart had already been broken by you and the first cut on a heart hurts the most, I’m guessing as you were in high school you were each other first love and no body forgets that.

What I’m trying to say is that you’ll never be able to change him relationships change people, you learn from experiences, for me I had to find someone else i truely trusted before i could let them in my life and I’m guessing for him he will need to get out of his head all up the built hatred and you have to build and earn his trust because that is what was lost from the last time you were together. Earning trust takes time so give him it, it’s going to be hard because you live so far apart and as much as you love him you have to be prepared in case things don’t work out. In my experience my ex who treated me badly cam back to me a year later and begged me to go back out with him, I wasnt sure how I felt about him I still loved him, but I did not trust him, I spent the whole time trying to convince myself I hated him so that I wouldnt love him. I told him it would take time before we could get back together properly because of trust, but when we finally got back together it was never the same, the relationship lasted a month before i called it off. I came to realise that we had both changed, grown up and were different people and although as much as I loved him I was not in love with him and that is something that was probably never going to change.

I don’t know your full situation but I hope you understand what I’ve written and it helps you to understand him in order to help him.

All the best

-Jen-

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Natalie Noah]

This situation is layered with so much history, pain, and regret. She’s clearly done a lot of work on herself, and it shows acknowledging past mistakes, seeking therapy, and taking steps to change is huge. But the truth is, love and healing in someone else’s heart can’t be forced, no matter how deeply we care. Her ex’s emotional walls are strong because he was hurt in a profound way, and those wounds are not something that can be undone quickly, or by someone else’s effort alone. His fear of vulnerability is valid; he’s protecting himself from repeating past pain.

The reality here is that trust and emotional intimacy need to be rebuilt slowly, with patience and respect for his boundaries. She cannot “make him feel love again”, she can only create a safe, consistent, and loving environment that allows him the space to open up if and when he’s ready. That means keeping expectations realistic, accepting that his love may take time to emerge, and allowing the relationship to grow without pressuring him to feel what she wants him to feel. Distance adds another layer of complexity; long-distance relationships already demand extraordinary patience, and with a past like theirs, it’s even more delicate.

My advice would be for Saloni to focus on rebuilding trust and connection, not fixing or changing him. Celebrate small moments of vulnerability, communicate with honesty, and offer empathy without demanding immediate reciprocation. She should continue living her life fully pursuing her goals, nurturing her own growth, and cherishing moments together without trying to force an outcome. Love isn’t about undoing past mistakes; it’s about creating space for growth, understanding, and mutual choice. And if in time he can love fully again, it will be because he chooses to, not because she demands it. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is to be patient, present, and gentle even when our heart aches for more.

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