[lme76]

Saturday night I was out with this guy I have been seeing for about 3 months. We went to one of the Bars he is familiar with to see a band. I knew no one. Every time he spoke to someone (including a few women) he knew he would turn his back to me and have the conversation. So, I couldn’t see his face or the other woman’s. He never introduced me to anyone. For the majority of the night he was right next to me, until he saw someone he knew. Then he would move away. One of the women was literally touching him (in the stomach area). After that, I gave him the “time to leave” look. Then I noticed when we got back to his house, at 1 am, he was getting text messages. Usually he tells me who he’s talking to. Not this time. I’m convinced it was the girl from the bar. Other than being really quiet i said nothing to him about it. I was really uncomfortable with the whole night.

The reason I didn’t say anything to him that night was because we were both drinking. I had actually drank quite a bit. I didn’t want to say a bunch of stupid stuff that I didn’t mean to say cause I was angry. Up until that point, he had been completely respectful towards me throughout the last 3 months. We haven’t had any disagreements. We get a long amazingly, and the chemistry is out of this world! I just have this bad gut feeling that there is something wrong, but I don’t know if its just because of past issues. Before this happened I really thought I was in love with this guy. I can actually see a future with him, and that’s huge for me. He has text me like mad the last couple days. More than usual. So, I think he realized I wasn’t happy. I still havent brought it up. I have no clue what to do??

[Ask April Masini]

Your boyfriend didn’t treat you like he was very interested in you at the bar. 😳 It’s only because you wrote that you’d both been drinking heavily that I suggest you reserve judgment on that night. Keep your radar up, and put a hold on your heart. You don’t want to commit to love just yet when you’re not really sure he’s as into you as much as you are into him. Don’t jump the gun and start planning your wedding, the number of kids you’re going to have together and the retirement place you’ll wind up in just yet! 😆

Continue to date, but proceed with caution. If you’ve had mostly a great time during the three months that you went out, then consider one bad night a possible miscommunication or an off night for one or both of you. If you start to see patterns, then he may not be the one for you, but so far, this is just a blip, and not a crisis.

Let it go, and continue to date him, but date smart.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[lme76]

[color=#400080]Thank you so much for your fast response 🙂 It is very appreciated. Most of my job is giving advice, but when it comes to giving it to myself, I suck at it!

I agree with you. I have continued to see this guy. There are just too many positive things going on in our relationship to end it for a “bad night”.

It’s just so sad that we have to continuously be cynical and protective of ourselves. Because I have a degree in Psychology, I am always analyzing. Sometimes it’s for the best, and sometimes not. I was with the same guy from the time I was 18-30. Dating after that relationship ended has been a night mare. I am genuinely a giving person, and get taken advantage of quickly. This guy has been flexible with my schedule and very understanding of the fact that I am a single mother that has limited time. He never gets disappointed in me, or upset with me. This is the first “real” relationship I think I have ever had and it’s so scary. Everyone in my life that I have been close to has either passed away or walked away, including both my parents. He’s aware of all of this and has been very patient with me both physically and emotionally. I’m falling hard for him, and I really hope my emotional baggage doesn’t muck it up![/color]

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words — I’m glad I could help! 😀

Your fear of abandonment is clear, but the only way through it is, well, through it! It’s okay to be aware of yourself and your feelings, but don’t let them dictate your behavior. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and fearful, as long as it doesn’t paralyze you or interfere with your life. In fact, if you are self-aware, what you’ll understand after dating this guy for six months or a year or more, is that at some point, he isn’t abandoning you. In fact, your fear is based on your past history, and not your present. And guess what? Your present gets to create a new recent past that is positive and not negative.

Stay steady and move forward through your fear.

Good luck!

[lme76]

Hi April,

I am just gonna cut to the chase. This past weekend I found an earring on his dresser. I know it wasn’t there the previous weekend. I asked him if he decided to start cross-dressing, and showed him the earring. He just winked at me. Never gave any explanation. I didn’t question it further because I felt that he obviously didn’t care to explain. Should i just end this now? It’s such a huge red flag!

[Ask April Masini]

It definitely looks like your initial instincts about your boyfriend were correct. 😳 It appears that this guy is dating more women than just you, at the same time, and probably sleeping with them, too.

The combination of his taking you on a date to a bar to hear a band, then ignoring you whenever other women came around to flirt with him, and your seeing one of the women touching his stomach while he was flirting with her, and now finding the earring on his dresser and his not offering you any explanation that might alleviate your concerns of his being a player, leads me to think this might not be a good relationship for you right now.

While it’s always wrong to assume that you’re the only one a guy is dating (and vice versa) in the early stages of a relationship (which you’re still in), my prior advice to proceed with caution, still stands — if you want to continue to date him. Technically, he hasn’t done anything wrong — except to be rude on the first date and make it clear this past weekend when you found the earring and commented to him about it, that he’s not interested in taking care of your feelings.

Given your past history with abandonment, I think you’d be more comfortable dating someone who’s more into you and just you. So my advice is that you leave this three month relationship to the other women who don’t mind not being number one, and go back out there to find a man who wants you and only you.

[lme76]

I just want to say thank you again for your thoughtful words. I had a face-to-face conversation with him a couple days ago. My intentions were to tell him that this wasn’t going to be my kind of relationship. When I talked to him about the earring, he actually had a logical explanation. There were actually two earrings (a pair), not just one. He told me he would show me if I would like him to. That dresser was his ex-wives (who has been gone about a yr now). The earrings were under blankets that were in top of the dresser, that he gave me to use this past weekend, which would explain why I didn’t see the earrings before. He said he knew they were there and just procrastinated putting them with the rest of her stuff. He just didn’t know what to say to me at the time, and since I didn’t actually ask (just sarcastically commented), he assumed I wasn’t worried about it. I believe him (being that I am a psychologist and was able to look him square in the eye), he was telling the truth. I can’t tell you how much better I feel. I guess from now on I need to address issues I have right away, instead of waiting. Our relationship is now going on four months. In your opinion, when is it “normal” for people to start saying “i love you”????

[Ask April Masini]

Thanks for your kind words — I’m glad I’m able to help! 😀

It really sounds like you need to work on communicating. Making sarcastic comments, like you did in regard to finding a woman’s earring on his dresser, is a way of avoiding truth. See if you can check your sarcasm at the door in this relationship. Allow your feelings to be present not just in your head, but in the relationship so he can get to know you, and you him, more intimately this way.

As for a rule of thumb for saying, “I love you,” I’d stay away from that for now, given what you’ve written me about your recent concerns. Get to know this guy better and find out if he’s really there for you, first. Things like sex and statements of love like, “I love you,” can spin your head and make it harder for you to see what you really have in the relationship. My advice to you is take things slowly. Don’t rush. And really pay attention to him — and yourself.

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