[Sandi]

I have been dating a guy who lives several hours away for about a year. Prior to his last visit, he expressed interest in seeing each other more often and even making more of the trips to see me (as opposed to vice versa) as I am a single mother and have a more difficult time traveling to him. During his last visit, he changed his tune, saying that he is fine with seeing each other occassionally and referred to me as his “sometime” girlfriend. When I tried to discuss the term “sometime” he said I was being too picky. I really like this guy and we have incredible chemistry. However, after a year, I would think it would be time for a status upgrade. He tries to act as if the conversation never took place. I know they say not to initiate “the talk”, but I’m still stuck on this. I haven’t responded to his last three emails as I can’t decide what to do with this situation. They say not to re-initiate “the talk” but if I continue on like it never happened nothing will change. How do I get HIM to want more? Thanks.

[Ask April Masini]

Good question! 😉 You’re right — you should [i]not[/i] initiate the talk. The reason is that you don’t need to. You already know the answer — he’s not interested in a status upgrade. At least not now. And if you do initiate it, knowing that you both know he doesn’t want to discuss it, he’s going to feel pressured and want to avoid this conversation — and you. 😕 The way to get him to want more is to be someone who makes him feel incredible about himself when he’s with you. There are a lot of tips and pieces of advice in Think & Date Like A Man, the book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. You can buy it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

In addition, decide how long you’re going to stay in a relationship that isn’t moving in the direction you want it to. If he continues to call you his “sometimes girlfriend” for too much longer, you may want to consider that he’s not ready for the same things you want, or he’s dating other people and likes it this way for now.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Sandi]

My “sometimes” boyfriend from out of town still hasn’t mentioned exclusivity, but in fairness has mentioned seeing each other more often. In the absence of a commitment, I went on a date with a new guy last weekend. The new guy has sent me two emails since Saturday night, the second of which said “I know we’re not a couple”, asked to verify my address to send flowers for Valentine’s, and invited me to go see Seinflend when Seinfeld is in town next month.

I haven’t responded to new guy’s second email, but I like him! I intend to say yes. We’ve only been on one casual date and he mentioned we’re not a couple, but I can’t help but think that maybe he would make a commitment in less than a year!

Meanwhile, out of town boyfriend is supposed to visit this weekend. He has to drive 6 hours each way. I want to see him and still care for him, but I’m not comfortable with being intimate with him while the new guy is in the picture.

What should I do about “sometimes” boyfriend’s visit? Even though he’s never sought or made a commitment and I haven’t been with anyone else in the biblical sense, it would seem he should be aware of a change before traveling so far.

Please help! Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

Good for you! 😀 😀 You did the right thing — and you’re seeing results. 😉

It’s understandable that you don’t want to sleep with your “sometimes boyfriend” while this new guy is a potential boyfriend, himself, and you like him, and he’s doing everything right for you! You don’t want to confuse yourself or risk the relationship. But don’t pretend you’re taking care of the “sometimes boyfriend” by doing so. Be clear with yourself that you’re doing this for you. Because it’s less complicated and puts you on the path you want to be on to amp down your dates with your “sometimes boyfriend” while there’s promise on the horizon with someone else. If you have it clear in your head that you’re doing this for you, not him, you’ll have an easier time with this.

What this requires is you telling the “sometimes boyfriend” that you’re looking forward to seeing him, but you’ve got a lot going on, and it would be better if he could stay in a hotel, rather than your house, assuming that’s where he’s been staying when he usually comes into town. This sends him a message loud and clear that you’re dialing down the relationship. If HE brings up “the talk” as a reaction to your doing this, then you can let him know your feelings. Don’t blame him or try to leverage him into doing something different. He didn’t do anything wrong, and he was very clear with you about the status of the relationship. Staying in it was your choice — so don’t blame him, whatever you do. Simply be clear that you may have jumped the gun by having him stay with you at your house before there was a commitment. Don’t bring up the fact that you’re dating anyone else (it’s not his business), and don’t bring up the fact that you wanted a commitment and he didn’t offer one. That’s his prerogative. Focus on being graceful, but firm.

I hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Sandi]

Thanks, but he’s always stayed at a hotel because I have a now 13 year old daughter. So the only way I could send a message in advance about intimacy is to state it flat out! In some ways I feel silly because I’ve only had one date with the new guy, but I think the address verification for Valentine’s flowers and booking a big second date to see Seinfeld is a huge good sign even if it is next month.

After pining away for sometime boyfriend for over a year with him refusing to commit to me, I just can’t put a potential good relationship at risk. I mean, I don’t even totally trust sometimes boyfriend. Last Saturday morning he sent me an email telling me he wouldn’t be able to talk on the phone all weekend because he left his phone in his doctor’s coat at work, but I don’t believe it. Still, I don’t want to be unfair and have him drive 5-6 hour each way this weekend (with a reasonable expectation of intimacy) only to find out otherwise once he gets here.

So what should I do since that having to stay at a hotel will not send a message?

Thanks again!

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you have no option but to be clear with him — or, the more you write about the relationship — to break up with him because after a year, not only aren’t you getting what you want in a relationship from him, it sounds like you don’t trust him, and if that’s how you feel, a year in, it would be a good idea to cut your losses. Even if this new guy doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right, being single and focusing on getting what you want is a lot smarter than staying with Mr. Okay For Now, not feeling really or acting single, and taking yourself off the market because you’re settling. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Sandi]

My question is how to handle sometimes boyfriend’s request to set up a new date when I still have new guy to figure out. I managed to cancel plans with sometime boyfriend without telling him about the new guy or breaking up. I really just need time to think things through. I’ve now been on 3 dates with the new guy and I like him. However, 3 dates isn’t really enough to know how much potential there is with new guy.

In the meantime, sometimes boyfriend called me yesterday and we talked for an hour. He wants to set a new time for a visit. If I see sometimes boyfriend, that will definitely confuse things because I still have strong feelings for him. I pretty much explained that to him without telling him about new guy. At first, he just wanted to set up a new date and talk about it then. I told him I want to sort things out first. Then I explained that I told him I was ready for a commitment in the fall, but he wanted to stay with the status quo and called me a sometimes girfriend. I also explained that now, after a year and a half, I can’t continue with the status quo of a sometimes girlfriend. He basicaly said his feelings shifted/intensified over the holidays and he wants to forget about the fall and move forward now. When I told him I don’t want to move forward without commitment, he responded “I’m committed!” and asked what he can do differently to make things right. That’s actually a good question! He could start by telling me he loves me, but the first use of the “L” word is usually in person, not over the phone.

My feelings are 90% sometimes boyfriend, 10% new guy. Without new guy, I’d never have cancelled our plans and would want to try to move forward with sometimes boyfriend with his new found willingness to commit. However, I am hesitant to make additional plans with sometimes boyfriend until I can see how much potential there is with new guy.

I’m confused and want more time to sort things out without jeopardizing either guy.

What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

You’re confused because you’re putting yourself in a confusing situation. Your sometimes boyfriend isn’t offering you a commitment, which you say is something you want, and now, you’ve got someone new on the horizon who might be Mr. Right. You’re not interested in dating them both, so my advice is to date the new guy you’re interested in and let the sometimes boyfriend figure out how to win you over. Right now, he’s saying one thing, but he’s behaving as if things are business as usual — which isn’t going to work for you. Stay focused on what you want for yourself in terms of a relationship — not on someone you like who will never give that to you. 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Sandi]

Thanks – I will definitely follow your advice. I do need clarification though.

When I told sometimes boyfriend I want a commitment, he said he is committed and not seeing anyone else. Do you think in sometimes boyfriend’s mind he IS offering me a commitment then? I told him when we last spoke that I want to be a full fledged, full-time girlfriend as opposed to a sometimes girlfriend, or nothing at all. He said okay to everything I asked.

He kept saying he does not understand what it is that he should do that he hasn’t already done by suggesting that we see each other more often.

So the question is what do I say to sometimes boyfriend when he asks what he can do now to make things right?

[Ask April Masini]

When you start [i]“needing”[/i] clarification of the relationship, and after not getting it, trying to squeeze it out of a man, you’re ignoring the fact that you have your answer, but you just don’t like it, so you’re going to try and manipulate him and his words until you hear what you want to hear. 🙁 But…. I’ve seen all too often, women ignore the answers they’re getting and keep beating a dead horse until they’re miserable.

I’ll answer your specific questions so that you can try and understand this on your terms….

[quote]When I told sometimes boyfriend I want a commitment, he said he is committed and not seeing anyone else. Do you think in sometimes boyfriend’s mind he IS offering me a commitment then? [/quote]

The fact that you have to ask ME this, is your answer: No. He is saying what he thinks you want him to say, without committing himself too much, to do what he thinks he has to do to keep you in the game. Clearly, you don’t like the answer or you wouldn’t be coming to me to interpret it for you. Your instincts are correct: this is not the commitment you want. It’s just his answer to your demand. The minute you’re demanding a commitment, you’ve lost it. 😳

[quote]I told him when we last spoke that I want to be a full fledged, full-time girlfriend as opposed to a sometimes girlfriend, or nothing at all. He said okay to everything I asked. [/quote]

Okay…. so, then why are you still writing me? Answer: Because you don’t believe him. 😕 Trust your instincts.

[quote]He kept saying he does not understand what it is that he should do that he hasn’t already done by suggesting that we see each other more often.[/quote]

C’mon…. he’s not a dumb guy. He knows what you want, and he doesn’t want to give it to you. This isn’t your Mr. Right. 😳

[quote]So the question is what do I say to sometimes boyfriend when he asks what he can do now to make things right?[/quote]

No. I’ve already answered this question for you, but I’ll say it again — and I STRONGLY suggest you buy and read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], so you don’t waste your time dating the wrong guys, or not dating smart! 😉 When a guy wants a commitment from you, he’ll act like it. He’ll start showing you off to family and friends. He’ll act like a guy in a commitment and want to spend more time with you and lavish you with attention and gifts. He’ll act like he needs and wants you in his life as his and only his. Get the book! Here’s the link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Read it, and learn how to get the guy who is Mr. Right — not Mr. Right Now. 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Sandi]

I have purchased and started reading “Think and Date Like a Man” and am taking your advice about having sometimes boyfriend work to win me over while I date new guy.

I have been on about 4 dates with new guy and have two upcoming dates this week, but it is still too soon to tell how much potential there is. I still have more feelings for sometimes boyfriend. Sometimes boyfriend is still trying to set up dates, but I am holding off without telling him about new guy.

I just received the following email from sometimes boyfriend. How should I respond?

[i]I tried to see you in Mar (also Feb) but you said you were too busy with Easter and Palm Sunday, etc excuses
The other guy is keeping you too busy for me 🙁
Hope you had a nice wknd.
Duh – obviously I’d like to see you more ( short and long terms)

I didn’t even hear from Sometimes Boyfriend at all this past weekend! I take it that I should not mention that fact to him???

Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

I assume that your sometimes boyfriend is guessing that you have another guy keeping you busy, and that you didn’t tell him yourself. In which case it sounds like his email is more an attempt to provoke you than to win you over. I wouldn’t respond at all. 😉 If he wants to woo you, this isn’t the way to do it. 😳

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Sandi]

I’ve been dating the previously described new guy for two months. I like him a lot and he describes himself as “smitten” with me. My sister met him and she thinks he’s great. I think he’s great too and could allow myself to become significantly more attached than I already am. I think he wants a serious, exclusive relationship with me, BUT! There is a significant problem, though. Whereas I’d like to remarry one day, he thinks marrying is just for having kids and he’s had an illegitimate child with a woman he’s never married, “so….”

He’s never been married but I was married 20 years. It is too soon to contemplate marrying each other. However, if wants permanent courtship rather than marriage to be his future and I want re-marriage to be my future, should I invest myself in what is and could be an otherwise great relationship?

He won’t admit that he never wants to married, but the view I attributed to him is basically word for word how he’s described his views in the subject.

What do you think?

Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

I think you’re very wise to acknowledge what you want, and the difference between the two of you. I see it as a deal breaker, and before you get further invested in someone will never give you the marriage you want, I think you should move on. He may be smitten with you, but if you’re not compatible in wanting the same future, you’re going to be wasting your time (and his). 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

The “sometimes boyfriend” has set a clear pattern over a year he’s inconsistent with commitment, uses vague terms like “sometimes girlfriend,” and hasn’t matched your desire for a serious relationship. Even though he has expressed renewed interest in commitment now, his prior behaviour demonstrates that he’s not fully aligned with what you want. A person’s past actions in relationships are strong indicators of their intentions and reliability, so it’s important to weigh that heavily.

Your hesitation to meet him or be intimate while you explore the new guy is healthy and protective. You recognize that seeing the “sometimes boyfriend” could create emotional confusion and conflict with your emerging interest in someone new. Prioritising your emotional clarity over pleasing someone who hasn’t committed is wise; it helps prevent unnecessary heartbreak and keeps you focused on relationships that can grow into what you truly want.

The new guy shows promising behaviour consistent communication, thoughtful gestures like flowers, and proactive plans for future dates. These actions indicate that he is emotionally available and invested, even after only a few dates. While three dates aren’t enough to fully gauge long-term potential, early signs of effort, respect, and consistency often matter more than vague promises from someone who has a history of indecision.

Sandi is facing the classic trap of divided attention: emotional investment in someone who has historically not prioritised her, while simultaneously exploring someone who could be a better match. The key here is to slow down with the “sometimes boyfriend” and create space to evaluate the new guy without guilt or pressure. This requires clear boundaries, which she’s already starting to set by postponing intimacy and delaying new plans with him.

The advice from April Masini aligns well: focus on what you want in a relationship, not on placating someone who hasn’t offered it. Let the “sometimes boyfriend” prove his intentions through consistent actions over time rather than words. Right now, your loyalty and emotional energy should be invested in dating the new guy and seeing where that potential leads, rather than splitting attention between two men.

The underlying lesson is clarity, boundaries, and self-prioritisation. Sandi must decide whether she wants a secure, committed partnership or to continue in limbo with someone who has not demonstrated consistent readiness. Protecting your heart by dating selectively and insisting on commitment before intimacy isn’t just smart, it’s necessary for emotional health and long-term relationship success.

[Author]

Posts