[NAJIC]

Ok, I searched through the posts, and there were some similar ones, but I decided it’s best if I ask this question with my specific situation.

OK, so I met my boyfriend about a year ago, but did not contact him for about 2 month… When I did, we communicated for a few weeks, and he asked me to dinner, after that, the rest is history I guess… We started dating regularly from October-ish to early February, when for reasons out of his control related to his embassy and college, he had to leave the country and return to his for about 3 months now (set to get back here in a few more months).

Before he left, he asked me to wait for him, and of course I agreed. He’s not leaving forever, and if I know he’s returning, and we can stay in communication, I can handle it. So, I have noticed up until he left, on a few occassions, that he’s not the best with sharing feelings and opening-up, so we can say he’s highly masculine in this way.

Before he left, he told me that it’s “beautiful” that I’m waiting for him, and that he will contact me “everyday”. When he first left, we were talking everyday, maybe sometimes 2x/day, and Skyping about 1-2x/week, this was up until mid-April. (I even got a long needed upgrade on my phone so we could stay in better communication i.e. a free texting app.)I was living with my cousin when he left, and about a month after he left, I moved into my own apartment.

I know he’s not happy being back in his hometown. He’s very bored there, and although he hasn’t directly told me, maybe slightly depressed. And being a man (especially with no job or studies to complete at this time), needs something to focus on, in his case, it’s the gym and weight-lifting. He goes literally 3 hours/day w/his best friend and brother/s usually, with maybe 1-2 days break during any week.

So, the last time we Skyped, about a month ago, he said he’s gained a lot of weight (part of the body building process), and does not want to Skype with me for 1 month so he can show me his progress when he starts cutting (he did send me one picture of him at the ocean though!). Well, to me, I don’t care if he has weight, I love him and he’s cute regardless, but I respect him and his passion, so I reluctantly agreed.

Anyway, the contact has kinda died down since he left (which is partly natural I think), I mean I understand that initially it will be more because we are freshly apart…so, he went from calling me everyday to texting me atleast good night everyday/saying hi (it’s hard too because we are on a BIG time difference and I had to ask him to stop calling me during the work day because I got reprimanded by my big boss – we are not supposed to be on our phones at all at work, and I really don’t take lunch breaks, so it just complicated things more). So that turned into him texting pretty much everyday instead of just calling and me answering, asking “Can you talk?”, and sometimes when he would just text, I would ask him if he could talk, then take a break (the middle of my workday is late in the night for him, so this effects things too).

He had called me sometimes on the weekends around 1-2AM, but I’m usually in bed.

Anyway, now, (and he has been really sick this last week, but didn’t tell me, I had to finally ask how he was because he went quiet for 3 days, then he called and told me after I texted), now, in the last say 2-3 weeks, he’s not really texting at all unless I initiate it (we use a free app, so I know he’s on it bec it will tell me he’s online), but he will respond right away or pretty quickly, so I’m not being ignored, he’s not really calling anymore, 1-2 times last week. I have had a really bad experience with long distance relationships, so I was dismayed to say the least when he said he was going away, but as I said the keyword was TEMPORARILY.

The last time we really had a decent conversation, I told him that I really like phone conversations with him and when he calls because it makes the time pass faster, and I said it in a pretty casual way.

Anyway, since our relationship was really pretty new when he left, I don’t know if having a conversation with him while he’s so far away is right. In fact, if I did, I don’t know what I’d say. I don’t think even if you ask someone for honesty they are really going to give you a straight answer… Also, the few conflicts we have had before he left involved bad communication from his side, basically shutting-down on me to different degrees, which reinforces my fear to talk to him because I feel he’ll just shut-down and I’ll be tortured by it. He’s really open in ways too, but as I said, the trend has been showing towards less communication.

I just want to come to a conclusion instead of experiencing what already is trending now for the next few months, then having him return to what? Have waited for nothing? Honestly, I love him, and I feel no interest whatsoever in dating other people (and trust me, there have been enough interested parties).

Oh yeah, I am also 3 years older than him (I am newly 30).

If you could please shed some light on this for me, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what you question is, or what you want me to shed light on since you seem to give a pretty detailed explanation of what’s going on in your life. Do you have a question?

Also, you said you dated for four months, from mid-October to mid-February, and that he left for about three months, so he should be home in less than a month! I think any anxiety you have over his absence will be resolved shortly when he gets back.

I hope that helps.

[NAJIC]

I’m very sorry, and I know my post was soo detailed and everything.

I guess what I’m trying to ask, if from everything I’ve been saying, does it seem to you that he’s losing interest in me? With his communication becoming less and less? (in light of all the details I gave – probably TMI! :/ 🙂 ) How do I respond to the waning communication trend given that we hadn’t really been dating that long when he left? (and his incliniation to withdrawal when I bring-up emotional stuff)

He left in early Feb and will return in early August actually, so literally like 3 more months. :/

We have a good mutual friend, who I saw recently and I told him he’s barely contacting me now. His friend said he hasn’t heard from him in a few weeks, and that he knows he is so bored and has nothing to do (maybe not much to say!). But, that’s his friend, I’m his woman, and I feel he should be more in touch, but as a man, is it normal for him to withdraw feeling sort of purposeless?

I really just wanted a new perspective on the situation.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I guess what I’m trying to ask, if from everything I’ve been saying, does it seem to you that he’s losing interest in me? With his communication becoming less and less? (in light of all the details I gave – probably TMI! :/ ) How do I respond to the waning communication trend given that we hadn’t really been dating that long when he left? (and his incliniation to withdrawal when I bring-up emotional stuff)[/quote]

It sounds like you dated someone for four months, and then told him you’d wait six months for him to return from his travels. 😕 I wouldn’t have recommended this, since it’s hard to know at four months what kind of relationship you really have. I think he is losing interest, but it’s very normal for a guy who’s away for six months from a four month girlfriend, to consider what’s closer at hand. His lessening communicating is an indication that he’s not as interested, and his clamming up when you get emotional is even more evidence that he’s not as into the relationship as you are.

I think this will get resolved for you when he returns. But remember that this is only a four month relationship you’re talking about. I know you’re treating it like something that’s a lot more serious, but it would be wise to be more realistic about what it might feel like for him — as well as yourself. 😉

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[NAJIC]

That was hard to hear, but I know I needed to hear it. :/ It is a long time, but does it matter that he’s in a country where it’s pretty hard to even approach the opposite sex?

Lastly, and I in no way want to drag this out with you, but I really do want to ask if I should have a conversation with him about it (I don’t think that will help..), or just let it go so to speak?

And what about when he returns? You indicated we will somehow settle that when he returns… What do you mean by that? Also, how available to him should I be when he gets back and (if) he wants to contact me and continue? Does that somehow indicate he wasn’t taking it serious to begin with, if he wants to continue when he returns?

THANK YOU.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] It is a long time, but does it matter that he’s in a country where it’s pretty hard to even approach the opposite sex?[/quote]

I think you’re trying to grade the problem. In other words, if he’s dating someone abroad, it’s a bigger problem to you than if he’s lost interest in the relationship he has with you but isn’t seeing anyone else where he is. Again, you’re trying to bend reality and make the fact that he is losing interest in his relationship with you better than his possibly cheating on you. This thinking is just going to make you crazy because you don’t know if he’s cheating on you or not. He’s going to have been in a different country for six months — it’s a little unrealistic to think he’s not going to have some sort of social life given the brevity of your four months with him. I know this is hard for you to wrap your head around and you’re trying to sugar coat it. I’m trying to get you to think practically so you don’t set yourself up for an unrealistic outcome.

[quote]Lastly, and I in no way want to drag this out with you, but I really do want to ask if I should have a conversation with him about it (I don’t think that will help..), or just let it go so to speak?[/quote]

Men hate “the talk” about the relationship. My advice is not to do it. If you’re having trouble getting his attention, having “the talk” is not as effective as being flirtatious and fun. Besides, you’re trying to elicit some security for yourself and the reality is that you’re countries apart from each other. Long distance relationships are difficult, rather than focus on problems, my advice is focus on what’s good. 😉

[quote]And what about when he returns? You indicated we will somehow settle that when he returns… What do you mean by that? [/quote]

From what you’ve written, there are no plans for either one of you to visit during his six months abroad, so the soonest you can see him is when he returns home in three months. I would imagine he’ll want to date you again, and you’ll get to see how the relationship unfolds with both of you in the same city!

[quote]Also, how available to him should I be when he gets back and (if) he wants to contact me and continue?[/quote]

If you want to be in a relationship with him, then if he asks you to go out, accept! 😀

[quote]Does that somehow indicate he wasn’t taking it serious to begin with, if he wants to continue when he returns?[/quote]

No.

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