[cantthinkofaname]

Ok, this is going to be pretty long (so you get the whole story), so please bear with me.
A bit over a year and a half ago I started talking to someone in another state. We have a lot in common, even the same weird sense of humor, and quickly became best friends. We literally talk every day, the longest we have ever gone without talking was 48 hours and that happens rarely. We never go a night without saying Goodnight to each other. I started to develop feelings but I worried that it was one sided and decided not to complicate things. She also has low self esteem and depression, but she is perfect in every other way, and I was always proud of my ability to make her happy. Making her feel good makes me feel good. But anyway, I thought we would have no choice but to stay friends and accepted that.
Then, about a month ago, she contacted me in a very emotional state. She said she had kissed another guy at a party the night before (she was drinking, which she rarely does) and felt like that was cheating on me. We talked and both explained that we have strong feelings for each other. She said something very close to “It’s stupid to act like we dont have feelings for each other, we obviously do, but we can’t do anything about it in different states.” (Can’t remember word for word but that’s pretty close).
Now I know people always speak out against long distance relationships without an end game, but we were making plans for me to move there next year, with plans for a two week holiday visit in december.
But two nights ago, she told me she wasn’t sure if I should visit in december, then followed it with this text:
“I actually don’t know if you should come down here at all tbh don’t hate me but for now and for as long as I can see in the future I just want to stay friends you know?”
This hurt a lot obviously, but we both want to stay friends. The problem is, in the resulting conversation she also said things like this:
“I wish life was easy and we could live happily ever after or something but I know that it’s just easier and better to stay friends, even if it hurts”
As well as a whole lot of other things that make me think she does have feelings for me. I know her very well, we have shared every tiny detail of our lives for a year and a half. I am quite certain that she does have feelings but is simply afraid. Her last relationship was horrible, she has low self esteem, and I think she is concerned about our 8 year age gap, despite the fact that on Thursday shes going to a baby shower for some mutual friends with a 7 year age gap. The closest thing I got to a reason when I asked her why was this:
“I just think that you should go for someone your age and I should go for someone my age”
So despite her parents and our mutual friends having a similar age gap that’s all I got as a reason.
I suggested we take a short break so I can sort out my head without saying anything stupid to ruin our friendship, and she seemed upset by that, as well. I just dont know what to do. Im friends with her whole family, and am sure they would support us as a couple, but she decided not to tell them how we feel (felt?). I just can’t stop thinking she does have feelings for me (the conversation we had made it pretty obvious in my opinion), but that she is simply scared to be with someone after her last one or something. She is also christian, and I always identified as agnostic but we have never argued about it or anything, and I would have no problem waiting until marriage to consumate the relationship if it went to that. I’m not sure if that could be an issue?
As a bouncer and a martial artist, im usually considered the “tough guy”, but I have cried more since we spoke than I can remember ever doing since I was a kid. Thats how much I care for her.
Please help, any advice is welcome.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Do you have a specific question for me?

Also, how old are you both, and have you ever dated in real life, face to face?

Let me know, and I’ll see if I can help you. 😉

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[cantthinkofaname]

We have never actually met each other in real life, I think that may be one of the main reasons for everything. I was really looking forward to visiting her in december.

I didn’t want to say our our ages, im 26 and she’s 18. I guess people are judgemental and there’s nothing I can say to stop that, but know im not some kind of predator. I have never been interested in someone more than two years younger than me before, and it is one of the reasons I was determined to put aside my feelings for so long, until she admitted she had them as well just a month ago. We had discussed the age difference before and both said we were fine with it. Frankly, im not here to be judged and I felt that anyone who does so probably won’t try helping me.

I guess my main questions are:
– Was I right to suggest a break? I know she was crying and emotional last time we spoke, and it tears me in half to know she’s in pain, even if I am too.
– Should I just give her space?
– How can I know whether she has lost her feelings for me or is just letting her issues hold her back? I don’t want to pressure her of course, as pressuring someone into a relationship seems scummy and doomed to fail.
– Is it wise, for now, to just continue to be her friend and support her, and hope she changes her mind again later?

[cantthinkofaname]

I know the usual response people give to a situation like this, with both the age and the distance that separates us, would be “Give up, its impossible”. I have spent my whole life proving people wrong when they say something cant be done, so giving up on the most important thing of all is not an option. And challenges make it so much more meaningful in the long run if it does work, in my opinion.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the extra information.

It sounds like there’s a problem here that you’re avoiding, and it’s not the age gap, religious differences or her allegedly having self esteem issues. An eight year age difference is not a big deal. Lots of people have very happy lives together with that age difference and greater. You’ve even referenced some. And your religious differences haven’t come up as an issue — mostly because you haven’t dated, I would imagine, so they’re not really an issue. And you keep saying she has low self esteem, but I can’t tell from what you’ve written why you think that.

So, what is of concern, in fact it’s the elephant in the room, is why you haven’t felt compelled to take her out on a date once in the year and a half you’ve known her. 😮 If you’re 26, you probably have a job, a car, the ability to get on a plane and book a hotel for the weekend — so what held you back from having a date?

(I’m also confused as to how you’re friends with her family, when you’ve never met her in person. How does that work?)

Your plan to move to her state to be with her, never having met her, was probably not a good idea. Long distance and in town relationships don’t always translate to equality. They can be very different. Many people do make them work, but before actually moving, you should have some dates, first. 😉

I know you’re hurt and confused — but the reality is that you never asked her out on a date once in 18 months, and she probably wants a real relationship and real in life experiences like movies, dinner, parties, spots, holding hands, kissing and sex. It would make sense for her, or any woman who meets a guy online, to move on and find someone who wants to date them, if the online guy they’ve met doesn’t ask them out on a real date in the first three months of meeting. She doesn’t have as much dating experience at 18, as some other women, so it took her longer to figure it out, but I think this is all really about your not taking her out on a date and wanting to get to know her in real life. 😳

I hope that helps.

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[cantthinkofaname]

First off, thanks for the reply.

She has had borderline eating disorders for as long as I have known her, despite being absolutely beautiful, she always wishes to be thinner.

I know her family, and we have mutual friends, because we are all gamers. Thats how we met, with large groups in voice chat playing xbox. Probabky sounds stupid to someone who doesn’t do it, but it works. In my job I only really get to socialize with drunks, and am forced into a nocturnal sleeping pattern. I live in a relatively small town with not much to do at night time, so I spend a lot of timing playing games with her father (a paramedic) or older sister. Her whole family are night people. And her older sister met her own boyfriend the same way. He now lives with them.

Thank you for opening my eyes to the dating thing. Thats why I planned the holiday to meet her in december, but I know I should have visited sooner. Australias a big place and its a 4 day drive to see her. I was having troubles with work last year, and was also kind of afraid of going down there just to see her if she didnt have feelings for me, and losing the friendship as well if I messed up.

Do you think there’s a way I can fix this? To bring up the dating thing somehow despite her already having told me we’re just friends now? Is the break a good idea? I’m terrified that while I’m here talking she’s off realizing she doesn’t care that I’m gone. I know thats just paranoia, which im not usually prone to, but I guess its easy to be paranoid in situations like this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not being paranoid. You’re realizing that you want to be with her, and that she wants real life dating experiences, but since you’re not providing that for her, she’s moving on. She’s friend zoned you and is seeing guys in real life. You don’t like it because you’re not getting what you want. That’s not paranoia. That’s realizing your losing something you want. 😉

It may be too late to try and date her because she feels like she’s invested a year and a half in someone who wasn’t interested enough to do so, but my advice is to move in that direction because it’s what she wants. I understand that you don’t want to invest in a trip if you think she doesn’t like you, but that’s the way dating goes. You date someone for a few months (in real life) just to decide if you want to continue dating them. During that time you absolutely may find that the two of you are not compatible — or that you are and want to continue dating and see if monogamy is in your future. But there’s no real substitute for in person dating. 😉 The internet is a great way to meet people, but it’s not a way to conduct an entire relationship. 😉

I know that you’ve met her family online, and have online relationships with them, but those are very different, and they are a way of knowing someone, but they’re not the same as knowing someone in real life, and they’re far more casual than romantic relationships. 😉 And taking a break was probably a bad idea from her point of view, because she’s wondering what it is you actually need a break from — since you’re not dating. It was more a rejection, from her point of view, than an asset or a push forward towards a real life relationship. But the reason you needed that break, instead of jumping on a plane to be with a woman you think is really terrific and you want to date — has to do with you and what’s going on in your life. 😉 It sounds from your description, that you’re not happy with things in your own life since you describe your social life as [i]with drunks[/i] 😕 and being [i]forced[/i] into a nocturnal sleep pattern. That’s a pretty strong condemnation of your own life. Maybe it’s time to consider changing those things about yourself. 😉

And as for her “borderline” eating disorders — I don’t know what[i] borderline[/i] eating disorders are, but eating disorders are usually more about control, than low self esteem. And people who choose to be with folks who have control issues usually have some reason for wanting to be with them, so this is really an opportunity for you to look in the mirror (and that’s a good thing!).

If you want to try and win her over, then you have to do so by showing up at her door with flowers and dinner reservations or movie tickets, and trying to woo her. If you don’t want to do that, consider what it is you really do want in a relationship. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[cantthinkofaname]

Her eating habits are based on her depression. We share everything, I want really comfortable sharing some details about her with a stranger but I guess it’s nevessary for you to see the whole picture.

Deep down, im nocturnal and a bit of a hermit by choice, my work schedule simply makes the alerting pattern harder to break away from. She is as much a hermit as me, and I believe her when she assured me theres no other guy.

Trust me, theres nothing I would love more than to jump on a plane and be there tomorrow, but december was set aside because that’s the earliest I could have enough money for tickets and accommodation. So is there anything else I can do? I want to pick up the phone right now and tall to her is there anything I can say? Or just wing it? I was hoping this break would let her miss me, I guess. That’s what I get for taking advice from men, my number one rule is usually to avoid games like that

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Figure out what YOU want in a relationship, which means backtracking a little bit. Do you want an in person relationship that leads to marriage and kids? Do you just want to play the field? Do you want a monogamous relationship that leads to living together, but not necessarily marriage? Figure out what you want in a relationship. That’s first.

Next decide how to get it. If you can’t afford to date long distance, which is a practical matter, then don’t. If you can, then understand that most women want to actually date within three months of meeting someone on line.

As for her, you can get on the phone tonight and tell her you’ve had a complete change of heart and you really want to take her out and enjoy her company and get to know her in person — which sounds like what she wants — but the problem is, you can’t do it because you live far away and can’t afford to see her until December, and then after that….. you’ll have to fill in that blank. 😉 In other words, there are practical problems in the way of your dating her.

You can try to make more money to afford long-distance dating, if that’s what you want to do, or you can try to find someone to date close by. You can also try to find someone to date long-distance who has more resources than an 18 year old, and would split the travel costs with you — in other words, she’d travel to you in addition to your traveling to her. You can also move to a place where you get to socialize with people who aren’t just “drunks”. 😉 You’re not trapped, but you do have to be practical if you want to be in a relationship.

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[cantthinkofaname]

Thanks for everything, im talking to her now. She told me shes simply confused and doesnt want a relationship with anyone at the moment, but does have feelings for me. The uniqueness I love so much about her makes it hard to understand her, I guess. Thank you so much for helping, I probably would have waited like an idiot and lost her forever if not for you.

And yes, im looking for a second job so I can get there quicker

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome, and good luck! 😀

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