[james11]

I’m going to try and make this as short as possible, sorry if it’s long!

I dated this girl for almost three years from my junior year in high school until our freshman year in college. I went to a different college as her, but I had my car at my college and drove down there to see her as much as possible. I drove there about every three weeks (two hours away.) I was committed and wanted to make it work. She was homesick and missed me and kept on calling me every night crying about how she missed everything. After weeks of this, we both decided we should go on a break and just see how it goes and we could get back together if we wanted to. She kept on calling me even though we were on this break, which was fine, but she kept on telling me what she was doing, like hanging out with boys and going on dates with them. I couldn’t understand if she was trying to make me jealous or just used to talking to me and couldn’t stop talking to me. I got over it and we still acted like we were dating, she still wanted me to come down to her school and I did. We got each other Christmas and birthday gifts, so I felt like we were starting to get back together. We were still sexually involved with each other at this time too. I decided I have to make the move and ask her out again in January, she said she couldn’t do the distance thing, but I was doing all the driving and doing all the work to try and see each other. I kept on trying, but she wouldn’t commit, but she still wanted me to come see her. Since I was pretty much at her every call since I wanted her so badly, I went down there and did whatever she wanted (sex, etc.) But, when I wasn’t there she kept on calling me and telling me how drunk she was getting at parties and stuff that she wasn’t at all. She was the nicest Christian girl I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t comprehend this behavior, it wasn’t usual at all. I later figure out she was seeing this other guy in the Spring of this year, but she was still wanted to have sex with me. So basically she was using me. Finally after spring break, she wanted to totally stop seeing each other and I was so broken hearted. She wanted to have sex with me over spring break and I went ahead and gave in. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. She just kept on calling me after that and was telling me all these ridiculous stories and I finally told her I was done. Over the summer she kept on texting me and I finally flipped. I finally gave it back to her and told her how much she hurt me that spring telling me everything she was doing and how she had sex with me over spring break and then the next week totally wanted to end communication. She said she wasn’t ‘trying’ to lead me on or hurt me, but she wanted control over two guys and she had it. We haven’t talked much since. She called me this fall telling me how much she missed me and blah and blah, but I was stern and told her she can’t be doing that to me. She played enough mind games with me and she hurt me too bad that I can’t let her close to me again.

Ever since then, I’ve still been so hurt over her decision to lead me on like that and I need advice how to get back into dating. I’ve gotten over her since it’s been so long and told myself she’s not worth it. But, for some reason I’m terrified I’m not going to meet another girl that has the same morals and religious needs that I have/want in a girl. I just need some help on getting out there and dating again. Any advice would help, thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The first way to get over your hurt and confusion is to recognize your part in it. 😉 It’s impossible to change other people on your own time frame, [i]if at all[/i], but you [b]do[/b] have some control over yourself. 🙂 So always start there.

When you look back, what you might now be able to see is a young woman who was (and still is) very needy, emotionally. She leaned on you a lot instead of forging her own life at college. Some people are better equipped than others to start college life. Some never make the transition. Instead of deciding that what might be better for HER was a little space from you so she could make her own life at college, you participated in the daily calls and the two hour trips to and from her campus. It sounds like you were doing all the work — and willingly. Sometimes saying a cool no is a lot harder than putting in hours of sweat. I think that’s the case for you.

When the two of you decided to take a break, it sounds like she didn’t respect that decision — but once again, you went along with that. Then, when she started dating other men and telling you about it, you still stuck around. This would have been your cue to let go and move on, if you’d asked me at that time. I think you’re really angry at yourself for not taking care of [i]yourself [/i]while she was taking care of [i]herself[/i]. [b]You kept doing things that you knew in your heart were not right. [/b] And now…. you’re blaming her. 😳

It’s very important to understand you have the power to make choices in your own life. Find your moral compass and make sure you’re walking in the right direction, befriending people who fit in with your values, and dating women who are the kind of women you want to be associated with. If you find you’ve made a mistake, remember that you’re not handcuffed to the chair; nobody is pointing a gun to your head and making you stay; and no one is going to die if you leave. 😉

If you can process this, you’ll be able to let go and move on a lot more easily than if you don’t.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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