[Hurt]

My husband and I met 9 yrs ago, married 9 months ago. First yrs oF relationship was a hard time on and off. 7 yrs ago we had a girl and slowly decided to marry as things settled down. We have made love 1 time in 1.5 yrs, he has excuses of why not everytime. Not working, or I am mean, or my down area stinks. He says these things in anger, never a concern to talk about. He nit picks at everything I do right after work. I relax I get called lazy. I visit friends or family to not deal with his behavior I get called on cheating. He won’t help himself in many ways. I try so hard to help us out but I am mentally drained from doing all . The fact of being rejected again is no longer even given opportunity anymore. I gave up sleeping in bed 3 months ago. No cuddling no affection ever ! Him and I have discussed awhile back a dr for erectile disfunction for meds he takes. Won’t go or help himself or us. Everything turns into fights lately. He will text me while at work picking a fight or accusing me of cheating. I am emotionally drained. Not sure if hope is even there for us anymore. I request counseling but it’s my fault cause he has never changed he says. I am the one on depression pills and uses that against me to belittle or excuse of our problems. I have uplifted myself from severe depression after I decided not to rely on alcohol 2 yrs ago. I faithfully take my meds and live a full life with kids and activities I was never able to do before. Yes, he drinks . About 18 beers a day on days off. It’s never bothered me but lately I notice his nagging and snide remarks are bothering me more and more. He threatens divorce more than once this last week but next day all is good. It’s hard to notice if he’s drunk cause he is not abusive or a sloppy drunk. Just gets mouthy and hurtful. Help!!!! Do we have a ounce of hope?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No.

This isn’t a relationship that will work out, and my advice is to cut your losses and move on. When you tell me that the first year of your relationship was “a hard time off and on”, unless things go up from there, why continue? You got pregnant and decided to marry — but nothing is better. Sex one time in 18 months indicates problems on many fronts. And if he’s drinking 18 beers a day, and you’re on anti-depressants and off your own alcohol dependence, my advice is to divorce and try to just work on yourself. Get healthy. You have a daughter and she needs you. Time for you to forge a healthy life as a single parent. 😉

[Hurt]

Thank you! It’s hard to accept it. I know I am not easy to get along with but I do know this, I am alot better since not drinking and really gets to me when I am always in the wrong he says. I think caring about what child will think or families too bothers me

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can hear that what you’re going through is difficult. It’s great that you’re not drinking. Make sure you go to meetings. And stay away from people who put you down and make you feel badly about yourself. 😉

[Sally]

I want to be honest with you, gently. What you’re describing isn’t just a rough patch. It’s emotional neglect, verbal cruelty, and a whole lot of avoidance on his part. The lack of intimacy, the insults about your body, the accusations, the drinking, the refusal to get help none of that is love showing up. And the fact that you’ve done real work on yourself while he keeps deflecting and blaming you matters a lot.

Hope only exists when both people are willing to try. Right now, you’re carrying everything alone. Counseling can’t work if he won’t participate. Threatening divorce, then acting like nothing happened, keeps you stuck and drained.

You didn’t fail this marriage. You outgrew surviving. And it’s okay to ask whether staying is hurting you more than leaving would. You deserve peace, not constant defense.

[Tara]

This marriage is not sick, it is already dead, and you’re the only one still trying to resuscitate the corpse. A man who hasn’t touched his wife in over a year, insults her body, accuses her of cheating, refuses medical help, drinks 18 beers a day, and weaponizes her mental health against her is not a struggling partner he is an emotionally abusive, alcoholic, sexually avoidant man who has checked out and is using cruelty to keep control. His erectile dysfunction isn’t the core problem. His refusal to take responsibility for anything in his life is.

Stop asking if there’s “an ounce of hope.” Hope requires two people who want repair. You have one person doing all the work and another actively sabotaging it. He doesn’t want counseling because counseling would expose him. He doesn’t want a doctor because that would remove his favorite excuse. He threatens divorce because it scares you back into compliance, then resets to “all is good” once he’s regained control. That pattern isn’t confusion it’s manipulation. And the alcohol isn’t incidental. Eighteen beers a day isn’t “not a problem.” It’s a massive, life-dominating problem that explains the mood swings, the mouthiness, the sexual shutdown, and the constant blame-shifting.

You are not depressed because you’re broken you’re depressed because you’re married to someone who erodes you daily. And the most dangerous part? Your daughter is watching this and learning what marriage looks like. A loveless bed, verbal degradation, accusations, and a drunk man who refuses accountability. That’s the legacy being built right now.

[Member]

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