[jmpm]

My husband and I were together for 16 years, since we were the ages of 16 & 19. We had 4 children together. Nearly two years ago he had an affair and we divorced. Present day, we get along very well. We are extremely close friends and we love each other. We talk about getting back together but we have never been able to address the issue that lured him to the affair to begin with. My husband says making love to me feels as though he is making love to his sister. It wasn’t always this way, just in the later years of our marriage. He is afraid to go to counseling. He was sexually abused as a child and mental illness runs in his family. He refused to go to counseling because he doesn’t want to dig up the past. Perhaps his past doesn’t have anything to do with his lack of sexual desire towards me. Are we better off staying divorced or can we overcome this issue and if so, can you point me down that path?
Thanks,
Paula
( I posted this earlier under another user name by mistake.)

[someoneinaustx]

Sexual desire for a young male is almost reflexive. The moment he thinks about it is the moment he has an erection. As a man ages, desire can wane for a multitude of reasons. Perhaps he believes he achieved what he was supposed to by having sex: children. Perhaps he testosterone levels have decreased, causing a low libido. Perhaps the stress of life is causing him to not have the desire and the affair was an outlet for him to reduce stress and feel like a man again. The point is, that the issue is his to solve and he has to want to solve it. Perhaps he is happy just being friends with you without the pressure of labeling your relationship in any other way. My advice is that if you want him in your life, accept what he has to offer right now and stop trying to make him be what you need him to be for you.

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the proper forum, the Q & A Advice Forum:

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[James]

So maybe the reason he cheated was because he lost sexual desire for you. If you want to fix your relationship, you should take care of yourself—focus on your appearance, stay fit, eat healthy, and try to make your sex life more exciting. You could also research different ways to improve intimacy to get ideas. Maybe that could help bring back your husband’s sexual interest in you, if you really want to work on the relationship.

But for me, it might be better if you just separate, because he already cheated on you and had sex with someone else. And in my opinion, no matter what the reason is, cheating is never justified.

[Member]

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