[johnson6708]

Carrie and I have been together for 15 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together and since our little girl was born she has become more and more distant to me. I suffered privately but have always tried harder and harder to be there, mow the lawn, do things around the home, occasional flowers or random acts of love, and be there for her. We haven’t had sex since our daughter… 3 years 🙁

She takes care and lives with her mom so it’s so hard to have any time alone to talk and work on intimate stuff.
Now another ex-boyfriend has shown interest on Facebook.. I caught the messages early on and warned him, but she was angry I warned him, said nothing would have happened, but this was a real injury to our relationship. I find she has become more distant as though I did something wrong by getting angry threatening this guy.

Recently I found a card for him, a CD of the music he mentioned on his messages, and she has new exotic underwear that I didn’t notice before… he’s married and said nothing would have ever happened, but I don’t trust a 36 year old woman searching for who she is in a veil of confusion and stress.

Now she says she just doesn’t feel anything anymore, she’s just done, yet she calls me to give me updates and have little conversations, she tries not to smile when we’re together like she needs to hold that in when I smile. When I try to hug her, she gives me that uncomfortable 1/2 hug, or pulls away from even a kiss on the cheek.

I’ve lost 35 pounds, I told her that I want to fix whatever mistakes I’ve made over the last 3 years that may have irritated her. I want this to work and I’m willing to do whatever I need to to take care of her, my daughter and make her as happy as I can. I have also told her that I am the only man that will ever love our daughter the way I do and that she’ll never find a man that will love, support and take care of her.. even with a goofy mother situation.

I know she’s still in there, but what do I do to save this and bring her mind back?:

A. Tell her if she wants it to be over, I don’t want to be a part of this either and try to separate for a while to let her feel my absence and hopefully get her to miss me? I risk her just getting cold and getting comfortable with me being gone too?

B. Pull back, but stay around and just keep making her lunches and doing loving things for her and our daughter being there for her and her and just hope she eventually comes back.

or

C: Something else that you would recommend?

I love her so much.. I just want this to be the woman I marry and grow old with… I can forgive her for making a mistake to find herself and hopefully realize what’s real?.. but I need to figure out how to make her consider what she’s about to do.. how it will effect our daughter and what she’s giving up.. if I’m not just jumping to a conclusion.

Please tell me what you think.

Oh as a PS.. she’s very shy and usually runs from communication 🙁

[25yearslater]

Sorry to hear about your trouble. You sound a bit as I did about 4 years ago when I realized I was losing my wife of 12 years.

Having been there, I thought I’d give some of my perspective, though, with acknowledgment that every situation is different.

Despite the fact I came away with 2 incredibly awesome kids, my marriage was a train wreck from day 1. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was out of it for 6 months. I discovered (in time) and after the marriage, that it wasn’t so much her that I didn’t want to lose, or felt love toward, it was the idea of her. The idea of the Great American marriage. Of course when you are in the heat of it, as you are now, its very hard, if not impossible to see that.

Advice? From what you describe it sounds to me that she has left you already. She is probably staying out of fear of divorce. I was blind sided by my divorce while living much as you are now. I fought to save it, to no avail. In the end however, once we got through the pain of separation, I am happier now than I have been, maybe ever. Yes, I am missing someone to share that with, beyond what you can share with your kids, but thats okay.

My point? You don’t have to give up, but you should back off. Leave her be, pursue your own interests, let her know you want to save it, but don’t throw it in her face. Go out. Make some new friends. Join a sport or something. You might want to gently suggest therapy. Tell her its worth saving and when she is ready, you are. But don’t force the issue. If she goes into it with her claws out its only going to reinforce her negative feelings toward the relationship. You have to give her big time space, and you HAVE to start preparing yourself emotionally for a separation. Don’t get taken off guard and don’t try to go to war with her. You are going to have to embrace the cheesy and frustrating philosophy – If you love something, set it free, if it returns, it was meant to be.

You don’t want to hear this, but you might consider researching divorce just to have the knowledge. If she is as distant as she sounds, don’t be surprised when she blindsides you. Be prepared. If it happens, you will maintain your sanity best, if you keep a level head, and try to work things out between you and not between lawyers. But have one lined up that is trust worthy. You’ll know a trust worthy lawyer when you are told, “You don’t want to have a judge decide these issues for you. Work it out.”

Best of Luck to you and don’t despair. You’ll find peace and happiness one way or another. It just might be disguised as something you never imagined would bring it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you haven’t had sex in three years, and she’s living with her mother (you didn’t mention for how long she’s been living there), and it sounds like you never married her — this isn’t new trouble. It sounds like you’ve had problems for at least 3 years now. The only difference is that suddenly, you see she’s interested in another man and you are now afraid of losing her.

It sounds like you’re already broken up since you don’t live together and you don’t have sex. If you’re interested, I think you have to try and pursue her like you would any other date — only harder because somehow along the way, you’ve lost her. And since she’s buying new lingerie and is interested in a married man, my guess is she’s looking for a sexual relationship, so you need to make sure to make her feel sexy when you’re around her.

Get my book called Date Out of Your League, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], and read it. It’s going to give you a crash course on what women want and need, and how to win them over. It sounds like you’ve got some major winning over to do.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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