[Anonymous]

I have had an on and off relationship with a really great guy for the past 2 years. We have an undeniable connection, on both a physical and friendship level and it keeps drawing me back. We have had our problems due to the fact that he has children and ties to particular location, which is understandable. We are both stubborn and passionate people, but have communicated well in the past and often overcome things.

I recently broke up with him as I was feeling trapped and unable to fulfill the paths I wanted to take. At 9 years younger with no children, I decided to return to study a 3 year degree in another part of the country. I also felt his cynical views of life were dragging me down. However as I move away I can’t help remembering all his good points, how well he treated me, the way he loved me and his devotion and the quirky things I enjoy about him.

The problem is after a while of us being back together in the past, I seem to get frustrated. Its almost like we are great together but not at this time in our lives. I see the future looking good but at this time, I felt held back, hence why I took off. I tend to see the points in him which are annoying to me, which I know is my own problem.

I know he is still in love with me too and he says he can’t understand it.
What do I do, let go of what we had (which I feel I could only do if we had no more contact with each other – and that would feel like I’ve lost my best friend) or continue with the idea that we will reunite after my degree (as this is something I will not compromise now).

I’m totally confused by this realtionship…….

[Ask April Masini]

You can love someone who isn’t compatible with you and who would make a terrible husband. I know that sounds crazy, but love is a feeling, and as you know, a long term relationship — or even marriage — requires compatibility that you just don’t have with this guy.

Throw yourself into your new course of study and your new environment in a different state. Make a commitment to yourself to find someone who is compatible with you and who doesn’t bring you down. If you stay busy and focus on yourself, you’ll become less interested in him, or anyone in your past who isn’t part of your future.

Look ahead — not backwards.

[Anonymous]

I used to be involved with this guy in an on and off relationship for the past year and a half. This winter break we got into a huge fight about commitment and emotional attachment in which he told me that we couldnt be together due to the fact that he was “scarred” from his last relationship and was “afraid” of falling in love with me due to the posiblities of his heart being broken again. The two of us have always been best friends whether we were together or not, but this became a very long and drawn out fight lasting over 2 months and consisting of yelling and a whole bunch of tears.

Everytime I felt like the arguing was over, he would bring something up, and provoke me and in turn blame me for cauing another argument. To make matters worse, with my being his “bestfriend” he at two times told me about two different girls that he was “interested” in at the time and expected me to be alright with that, which I wasnt. One night while fighting i told him that I loved him (which I did and still do) and thats why it was hard for me to handle everything that was going on. I asked him to tell me how he felt for the last time and that our future depended on his answer. Obviously, he told me that we were just going to be friends and that he had no love for me more than that of his best friend.

In light of this new information, I decided that it was only right to move on with my life and experience new people. I made an instant connection with this boy and we started talking and eventually seeing eachother on a regular basis. In my happiness, i attempted to tell my “bestfriend” about my good news. Seeing that we were supposed to only be friends I didnt think it would bother him. I was wrong. He got extermely upset and everything just got out of hand. I had new feelings for this new guy but my old guy wasn’t alright with that.

The night before leaving for spring break, my bestfriend confessed to me that he had always had strong feelings for me and that his ill behavior was has horrible way of dealing with it. He expressed how he was now ready to love me and that he wanted nobody but me to be his girlfriend. This all came at a weird time for me because I was still talking to this new guy, but this information somehow jumbled all of my thoughts. After a long time of thinking, I went to my bestfriend and told him that I wanted to be with him, that I had picked him. He was happy, and at that point so was I, I hadn;t talked to my new guy in about 5 days because he was out of the country. Now, about 5 days later, my new guy starts talking to me about how he has feelings for me, so I tried to tell him :i wanted to start out ad friends and hopefully end up as more in the future.” He took it almost to offense and then tried to downplay my feelings for him. I do like him, and now he wont believe me, but even if, I am now stuck between two guys, and my new one now wants to kick me to the curb, but part of me doesn’t want to be, and wants to actually be with him

I’m a high school junior at boarding school, and I really dont know what to do. I know I am still young, but there has to be something that I am missing through all of this. which guy should I go for?

[Ask April Masini]

Because you are 16 or 17, it’s important to understand that the guys you’re dealing with are not as mature as you are, in general. Your best friend who you fell in love with, was hoping you’d be there for him as a fall back woman if he was dating someone else or single — and for a while, you were just that. But eventually, you pressed him for a response to the fact that you’d fallen in love with him. Because he’s young, it took him losing you to this other new guy to realize that he would rather have you as a girlfriend than have you date someone else. And remember — [i]it was your action, not your words, that brought him around[/i]. This kind of realization is tolerable in teenage guys because they’re truly figuring it all out — but as you get older, it’s fair to expect a man to understand that you have other options in life, and to not keep you tied down if he’s not interested in you as a girlfriend. But for now, I’d cut your best friend some slack.

That said, your new guy has every right to not want to stick around if you don’t choose between him and your best friend. Why be guy number two in your life? You didn’t like being woman number two and your best friend didn’t like being guy number two, either. In fact, this new guy is doing what you probably should have done much earlier in the year and a half of your best friendship, and what you [i]will[/i] learn to do as you get older, with your best friend, or any guy who keeps you on a string while he explores other options. Your new guy is pushing you for a decision on your feelings so he doesn’t have to waste his time being guy number two.

As you get older, it’s going to be harder to keep men as friends or best friends because there is usually going to be an underlying romantic and sexual current that eventually comes to the surface. But in high school, you’re learning this lesson.

My advice is to make a choice between the two guys, and whoever you choose, be his girlfriend and expect him to be your boyfriend — you can’t have both of them. And frankly, they can’t have you and another woman, either.

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