[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four months. This past weekend we crossed 2 major milestones. I met his parents on Saturday, and on Sunday we exchanged “i love you’s”. I am 33, and he is 31. This is the first, normal, healthy relationship I have ever had. I have never had a healthy and secure attachment to anyone (except my daughter), not even my parents. So, I am very happy I have gotten to this point with someone, but scared to death. I am afraid my anxiety is going to get the best of me and I am going to blow it. I have been doing very well so far. If I get upset about something, I take a step back and ask myself, is it my own insecurities or is it really a problem with the relationship. 99% of the time it’s my own insecurities. He has been truly amazing. If I tell him I am upset about something he responds immediately.
For example, He has very little free time because of work. He even works weekends. Plus he is very close to his family. So, when he does have time he has to squeeze me, the family, and his “boy” stuff in. So usually, on a saturday, by the time he gets outta work, has boy time (usually with his dad and bro), and gets home he is totally exhausted. So, by the time I get him he is worn out. After a few weekends of this I was irritated. I told him Friday that I was tired of getting squeezed in. I wait all day to see him, and then when I finally do he’s too tired to get off the couch. I thought I had a right to let him know i felt pretty insignificant. He told me it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t intentional, and that I come before more then I realize. So, Saturday he invited me to his parents. I think in his mind it was a way to spend time with me and his family at the same time and of course prove to me that he was serious about me.
But, his family is so functional. I am very intimidated by this because my family is the exact opposite. His parents are still together and very happy. His family is very close. They talk to eachother on a daily basis. My bf is the youngest of four. All his siblings are happily married. I am mostly concerned because his mother referred to him as “her baby”. I could tell she spoiled him rotten. In fact, I found out this weekend that he lived with his parents until he was 27. His mother kept making comments like “now that he has a gf, he can’t do such and such for her….”, like take her shopping. When we were at dinner she was kinda down grading his brothers wife, and it made me a little uncomfortable. Then, she was inviting me to a baby shower and camping for the summer already. Is this normal???? I haven’t met a parent in 15 years so i have no clue what is normal and not normal. I am kinda concerned that his mommy spoiling him so much may be the reason why his first marriage didn’t work. He got married when he was 28 and was divorced by the time he was 30. Should I be concerned about this????
We have no issues in our relationship. My only complaint is that I don’t get to see or talk to him as much as I would like. But, he is responding well to that complaint. Since saturday he has talked to me a ton. I love it, and am very happy with him. Please provide comments to help me understand this relationship. I am in uncharted waters and very very afraid.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’ve got this pretty much figured out, and just needed to process things in your post. Your anxiety seems to be in check because you already realize that 99% of your issues stem from your own anxieties — not real life — and you’re aware enough to check yourself on them. That’s great.

In regard to your question about your boyfriend’s divorce after only two years of marriage — I can’t tell you if it’s about his mother or some other issue, but it is your job to talk to him about what happened in his marriage that led to divorce to try and make sure you’re making a smart choice in continuing to date him. Open the channels of communication and ask him what happened.

His mother’s behavior really doesn’t seem out of the ordinary considering your boyfriend is her youngest of four children, and even though he’s a grown man, she still sees him as her baby. Let her comments slide — especially since she’s gone out of her way to include you in family events like a baby shower and a camping trip. She’s not going to be perfect and neither are you, so it’s a good idea to cut each other both, some slack. The fact that your boyfriend’s three other siblings are all happily married bodes well for his family’s dynamic.

And while you’re concerned about not getting quality time with your boyfriend it sounds like you did bring it up to him, appropriately so, and he made an adjustment by including you in a family visit that he normally would have made without you — and it went well. Very well, in fact!

Stay balanced between vigilant and flexible when it comes to your date nights and his busy schedule. Relationships take work and balance. You seem to be able to do both, so remind him a few days before date night that you hope you can have a special evening — not just crashing at your place or his — and set something up (you can get my book called Ideas for a Fun Date, here at this link [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/ideas-for-a-fun-date.html[/url]). Or, if you have a kid-free night, consider my other book that is a little racier, called Romantic Date Ideas, designed to put a little sizzle into your nights as a couple. You can download that book here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

I hope that helps!

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your advice 🙂 You are correct. I have the answers, I just needed to sort it all out somehow. But now I have bigger fish to fry and would love to have your assistance in doing so.

Last night, through a conversation about income taxes, I found out that my boyfriend is NOT divorced yet. The paperwork is filed, but it isn’t official yet. HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT??? I am so disappointed in myself. Seeing (especially being intimate) with a man that is still legally married is WAY against my morals. I am so sick to my stomach today. I had the conversation early on in the relationship and don’t remember exactly what was said, but I was sure he was already divorced! Here I am, madly in love (for the first time EVER in my 33 yrs), and he’s still married. I am so upset. I feel like such an idiot.

I spoke with him about it last night. He assured me that the paperwork was filed and that it shouldn’t be much longer. He told me he would call his lawyer and see about it ASAP. He also, of course, told me that he didn’t want to be married to her. Cause I sure did ask! The biggest issue is that his wife filed her taxes as being married. I don’t understand why she would do that. As far as I know they do not communicate. A lot of her stuff is still at the house (but put away). Her mail still goes there sometimes ( and he sends it to her mothers). They split up about 18 months ago. I am smart enough to know that an uncontested divorce doesn’t take that long. Does it?

How do I handle this? I feel like I’m seriously going to hell for this. If my friends and family knew, especailly my daughter (who is 11), they would be so disappointed in me. I know this sort of thing happens all the time, but this time it’s me, and I put myself in this position. I am in love with this guy. It’s real, and healthy, and everything is good between us. Now I don’t even want to think about a future with him until I know he is legally divorced. I don’t know how to proceed. I am totally froze right now. Please help 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

The good news is that you found this information out now, before you’ve proceeded further than dating him for four months. Your first order of business is to stop being so hard on yourself. That you had this conversation and found out what you need to know is the most important thing. It’s understandable that you would think he is divorced. It was a mistake on his part not to disclose this information and it was a mistake on your part not to be clear on the details, but neither of these mistakes are fatal. So, relax. Now you know, and this isn’t the end of the world — or necessarily the end of the relationship.

However, you have some adjustments to make. First of all, don’t start blaming his wife for this problem. It has to be his responsibility, not her fault. Your biggest issue is not that his wife filed taxes as married. Your biggest issue is that he’s let this divorce slide and now he has a responsibility to YOU to keep you in the loop on it’s progress. You have a right to know what the situation is because it affects you and your behavior with him from today on. So, find out what his lawyer advised him about the divorce being final. Chances are this is not uncontested. There are probably settlement issues that one or both people in the marriage are avoiding. Then find out why he’s let this slide for so long, or if the divorce didn’t get started when he and his wife separated 18 months ago. You’ll learn a lot about him when you explore these issues with him. Keep your ears and eyes open. Use your brain, too — not just your heart.

Understand that there is a process called bifurcation that can cause the divorce to happen immediately if either party initiates it. Bifurcation allows divorce to occur while settlement issues happen later, so people can move on with their single lives, legally. It isn’t always the best option for everyone because it can lead to settlement issues dragging on for years, but it is an option.

Also know for your own edification that divorce records are public, so you should be able to find out the basics of his divorce from the local court website. If he gives you his divorce record number that will make your looking it up online easier. If not, you can still find out the information with a few calls to the court house.

Once you figure out why he hasn’t divorced and why he didn’t tell you, you can decide if he’s truly the victim of the legal process or if he has some psychological reason for not moving forward in his life. Both reasons will affect you, and you have to decide if they are deal breakers or not.

In the meantime, I’d advise you slowing your relationship down, big time. What you don’t want to do is to fall victim to your emotions. Because you are a single mother, the deeper you get involved with this man, the more you and your daughter are affected. So wait to date him further until you have answers to your questions and can decide if in fact he is Mr. Right with a few issues, or Mr. Wrong with a few illusions that worked in his favor for four months.

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