[Anonymous]

So, I met the guy I am with this time last year. We got engaged three months after we got together. Then, we moved in together. It all seemed great in the beginning. We never ever fought which I loved. Now, we seem to bicker almost everyday. I am constantly depressed. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore with him. I am extremely stressed all of the time.
Whenever I want to hangout with my friends, weather he knows he is doing it or not, he makes me feel bad about leaving him there alone. I’m not allowed to talk to any guys and when I mention a guy I used to hang out with, he asks me if I slept with him.
I haven’t graduated high school yet, so I am trying to figure out a way to get my diploma. I would prefer the actual diploma over a GED so I talked to him about it and he doesn’t want to going back to normal high school because he thinks I’ll find someone else.
I tell him that I won’t but he doesn’t seem to believe me.
He and my mother don’t get along at all. My mom is always trying to get us to break up which makes my guy not like her. He doesn’t even like it when I talk to her on the phone. God forbid I ask to visit her for more than three days..

We did break up once before.
It wasn’t even for a full 24 hrs.
I was visiting my mother and I was talking to her about him and she kept telling me how much happier I would be without him. So, I started to believe it.
I broke up with him and all I could do that night was lay in a dark room crying.
When I begged for him to take me back, he said that if I ever do it again, he wouldn’t give me a second chance.
So, I’m scarred that if I do break up with him, it will be the biggest mistake of my life.

I know that I love him..
But I also feel like if we were not living together then our relationship would have ended a while ago.
I don’t think we have that spark anymore.

Also,
You also have to keep in mind that I am only 17 and he is 23.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Breaking up with your fiance will not be the biggest mistake in your life — staying with him will.

First of all, at 17, you’re too young to be dating a 23 year old. In fact, having sex with him in many states constitutes statutory rape. You’re a legal minor. He’s an adult. He is taking advantage of you, and the fact that he wants a teenager for a girlfriend and wife tells you that there is something wrong with him. He could go to jail, and you could wind up in state custody since your mother allowed you to live with him.

Second of all, you should not be living with ANY boyfriend regardless of their age, when you are only 17. You need to be living with your parents or parent and going back to high school to finish REGULAR classes, not getting your GED. You need to go to football games, proms and hang out with other kids your own age.

Third of all, you are too young to get married.

Fourth, regardless of your age, you should not get engaged TO ANYONE after three months. As you now know, that’s not enough time to get to know someone and find out who they really are. Thank goodness you didn’t marry him already.

So, here’s your job: You need to go back home to your mom today. She is right. Your boyfriend is a dangerous guy who’s trying to control you, and he’s succeeding. Take back your power as a young woman and do the right thing. Tomorrow, go back to high school and ask the guidance counselor how you can re-enroll immediately. It doesn’t matter if you have to do an extra year or summer school to catch up. Do it.

Once you’re back, living with your parents or parent, no more dating guys who are in their 20s when you’re a teen. Cultivate friends who want to have age appropriate fun and success and stick with that group.

I hope after reading this post, if you still don’t know what to do, you follow my directions anyway. Your boyfriend is a loser who has a screw loose for wanting to date, live with and marry a teenager. Don’t fall into his trap. Go home, get back in school, and then write me with any other questions so I can help you stay on track.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have internet access for the past week so I didn’t get your advice until now.
I ended up breaking up with him on New Year’s Eve.
New Year’s Day I got back together with him…
We had a long talk and we both said that we’d work on things.
But then, a few days later, he said he wanted me to guarantee him that I won’t leave him again.
At first, I told him that I wouldn’t do that because I don’t know what the future holds for either of us.
He got really upset so I told him that I wouldn’t.

I’m still really confused.

Like, I am torn in both directions.
On one hand, I want to be with him because I love him.
But then on the other hand, I want to be out with my girl friends and not have to worry about calling someone to check in.

[katdawg]

Oh my gosh really? What about college? What about continuing your education? Why are you worrying about making life easier and “safer” for a 23 year old adult by giving him assurance you won’t leave him? It should be the opposite. At seventeen it is easy for your heart to overtake your still growing mind. I was sixteen dating a nineteen year old. In my case I didn’t have interactive parents; my parents were too busy fighting with one another to pay attention to what their daughter was up to. Whatever your situation is…what do your parents think about your boyfriend? Do they like him or approve of him and encourage you to be with him? You’re only seventeen with a lot of life ahead of you. You are going to live your life the way you want and follow your own path, but you will save yourself a lot of heartache by listening to April’s advice. Take it from a thirty-seven year old who has been in your shoes but has been through a lot of hardship to get to where I am. Save yourself from that and get out of that relationship now. It will be hard and it will be painful but YOU WILL have a lot more loves in your life trust me.

[Aleeciya111]

First of all, congratulations for acknowledging all your doubts. I think you need to realise, this guy seems totally insecure and he is holding you back from not only beeing happier in yourself and your future, but also in breaking your supports with your family. This is not love, him seeing you struggling to find the positive points in the relationship, when he knows he is responsible for not letting you live your life and you being unhappy . If a close friend told you all the same stuff was happening with them, that is happening to you, would you tell her to stay? It will hurt when you break up, but it will pass! See your friends, learn about yourself, laugh, go back to school, go out, be your age. At 17 your head is no way near what a 23 year olds is.It might be worth ringing a free counselling service or talking to some one you trust, and having a few numbers for your boyfriend, because honestly something is not right there, if he is so reliant on you and is trying to make you promise you wont leave him! If you stay with him, you are only going to resent him later on for all he is making you miss out on now. Good luck , be strong and kick him to the kurb!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please re-read my post.

I’ll quote what I wrote you last week at the end of my advice:

[i]I hope after reading this post, if you still don’t know what to do, you follow my directions anyway. Your boyfriend is a loser who has a screw loose for wanting to date, live with and marry a teenager. Don’t fall into his trap. Go home, get back in school, and then write me with any other questions so I can help you stay on track.[/i]

Since you’re still confused, try following my advice. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Just do it! I know it’s hard, but if you don’t, you’re going to continue to feel confused, depressed, and isolated. 😥 You have to break your pattern.

[Ethan Morales]

Alright, straight and honest, like you asked. I read everything, and I’m not going to soften this: this situation is dangerous for you, and staying will cost you more than heartbreak it could cost your safety, your freedom, and your future.

The age gap matters legally and ethically. You’re 17, he’s 23. In many places that’s statutory territory; adults who pursue relationships with minors are taking advantage of an imbalance that the law recognizes. I’m not giving you scare tactics I’m saying fact: you need adult protection, not adult control.

Second, his behavior is classic coercive control. Isolating you from friends and family, policing who you talk to, sabotaging your education, threatening you over a past breakup those are not relationship problems, they’re abuse. The “if you ever do X again I won’t give you a second chance” ultimatum is emotional blackmail, plain and simple.

Do these next things now, in this order:

Go to a safe adult today your mom, another family member, or a trusted school counselor. Tell them exactly what’s happening.

Leave the living situation and stay with someone safe. You don’t belong living with him right now.

Re-enroll/return to school immediately. Contact your guidance counselor and explain the emergency they can fast-track options and protection.

Document everything (texts, calls, threats) and block him on all channels once you’re safe. If there’s been sexual contact, get a confidential medical check for STIs and pregnancy and ask about legal options.

You don’t owe him patience, explanations, or a “second chance” while you’re a minor and he’s an adult. If you need, I’ll write a short, firm message you can send him to end cohabitation and contact, and a script for talking to your mom or a counselor so you don’t have to find the words under pressure. Tell me which one you want and I’ll write it exactly how to send it.

[Natalie Noah]

The kind of hurt that comes from loving someone who is slowly shrinking your world without you even realizing it. When I read her story, the very first feeling I had was sadness not because she’s weak, but because she’s so young and already carrying the weight of a relationship that feels more like a cage than a home. At 17, she should be laughing with friends, exploring life, discovering herself… not negotiating emotional safety with a 23-year-old man who demands guarantees, restricts her voice, and punishes her independence. That’s not love. That’s fear wrapped in affection.

What stands out most is how deeply isolated she has become. That’s how controlling relationships work slowly, quietly, inch by inch. First, it’s “I miss you when you’re gone.” Then it becomes, “I don’t like your friends.” Then, “Don’t talk to your mother so much,” and before you know it… the only world you have left is him. But love isn’t supposed to make your world smaller. Real love gives you more, more confidence, more joy, more freedom, more life. And the fact that she felt “bad” just for wanting to spend time with her own friends… that breaks my heart, because that is not the mindset of someone in a healthy partnership. That’s the mindset of someone surviving emotional control.

What worries me most is this: she’s confusing attachment with destiny. She feels scared to leave because the relationship drains her, isolates her, and destabilizes her. then gives her brief moments of relief. That cycle creates emotional addiction, not love. When she broke up with him and immediately felt panic, that wasn’t proof that he’s her person. That was withdrawal the same emotional withdrawal people feel when stepping out of a controlling dynamic. Her fear of “making a mistake” is not intuition. It’s conditioning. And the older partner knows exactly how to use that fear to keep her from leaving.

My love… if I were sitting across from this girl, I would hold her hands and tell her this gently but honestly: “You aren’t confused because you don’t know what to do you’re confused because you know what you need to do, but it scares you.” Everything in her story points in one direction: she needs space, she needs support, she needs her mother back in her life, she needs her freedom, and most importantly. she needs time to grow. A 17-year-old should never feel responsible for managing a grown man’s insecurity. This isn’t love. It’s possession dressed up as devotion. And the longer she stays, the harder it will be to remember who she was before him.

[Tara]

You’re avoiding it because it’s terrifying, and you’re clinging to him out of fear, not love.
This isn’t a relationship. This is a 26-year-old grown man isolating, controlling, manipulating, and emotionally cornering a 17-year-old girl who hasn’t even finished high school yet. He didn’t “fall in love fast.”

He targeted someone young enough that he could shape, limit, and control before she even builds her own life. That’s why he rushed the engagement. That’s why he pushed for moving in. That’s why he panics when you mention school, friends, or your mother, anything that reminds him you still have a future he can’t dominate.

You’re depressed, anxious, walking on eggshells, terrified of doing anything “wrong,” and constantly made to feel guilty for having a life outside of him. That’s not a rough patch. That’s psychological control. He cuts you off from friends. He interrogates you about other guys. He doesn’t want you to finish high school because you “might find someone else.” He flips if you talk to your own mother. This isn’t protectiveness, it’s ownership.

And the fact that he “won’t take you back” if you leave again? That’s not love. That’s a trap. He’s training you to believe that breaking up with him equals catastrophe, so you never try again. Meanwhile, he’s the catastrophe you need to escape.

The “spark” isn’t gone, the illusion is. What you have left is a 23-year-old man relying on fear, guilt, and isolation to keep a teenage girl from realizing she deserves an actual life.

[Sally]

This isn’t love anymore, it’s fear. And I know that’s hard to hear at seventeen, especially when you’ve built your whole world around him. But the way he treats you that’s not protection, that’s control. When someone doesn’t want you around friends, doesn’t want you talking to guys, doesn’t want you finishing school because he’s scared you’ll leave… that’s not about love. That’s about keeping you small.

And the fact that you felt lighter the one time you stepped away that means something. Missing someone doesn’t mean they’re good for you. It just means they were familiar.

You’re not going to ruin your life by walking away. You’re too young, too bright, and you’ve got too much ahead of you to stay somewhere that makes you this depressed.
Just breathe. Take your time. But don’t ignore the part of you that already knows this isn’t right.

[Serena Vale]

Honestly, sweetheart… this isn’t love, it’s control. You’re 17, and he’s 23 , that age gap alone puts you in a vulnerable spot, and he’s using that. The guilt, the jealousy, the “don’t leave me,” the checking who you talk to… that’s not healthy, and it’s not something you can fix by loving him harder.

You’re supposed to be finishing school, hanging out with your friends, figuring out your life, not carrying the weight of someone who’s afraid you’ll “find someone else.” That’s his insecurity, not your responsibility.

You already felt the difference when you were at your mom’s, you could breathe. That says everything.

If you’re confused, trust the version of you that wants freedom, friends, and your diploma. That’s the real you talking. Go back home, finish school, and build your future. The right love will never make you feel small.

You won’t regret choosing yourself.

[Member]

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