[Kayla19]

Hello, I am confused on what to do with my relationship. I met this guy back in July of 2012 and we started dating september of 2012. He hasn’t physically cheated on me but he was talking to other females and we talked he confessed got a new number and now were trying to move on. He left to go back to visit his mother because she really sick and they don’t know what’s wrong with her; it had been 7 years so that’s were he currently is. It’s been about a month since he’s been gone and his ticket was scheduled for 10/21/2013 but his mother got back hospitalized the day before . So now he is still there and don’t know when exactly he’s going to get back. He just know she wants him there until she finds out exactly what’s wrong. Now My problem is i feel that he is still talking to other females. He said he hasn’t since the last time because he doesn’t want to hurt me again. I don’t know what to believe anymore because everything is playing out like my last relationship. Only difference is my last relationship my bf cheated physically and mentally, and got caught. My current one only talked to other people. I can’t lie he did move from where we met to be with me in my hometown, he left everything he had and everyone he knew. I love him for that. But I have really bad insecurity problems…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Kayla19]

Im 19 turn 20 1/14. and he just turned 30. I know, big age difference. But what does age have to do with it if i may ask? And when you love someone I believe when your a certain age you know what you want. Sometimes just don’t know how to approach certain situations. I know I still have time try different relationships; but I’m not the type of person to just do short term relationships. I won’t a long term relationship were we get married have kids and live life. I don’t want to be like most of the people I know, In the “baby mother, baby father” type of relationship. I actually want to be with my future children’s father. I am always looking for great advice; not the advice of people saying leave that scum and things in that field like they just know everything just from one short story i’ve told. Anyways thanks in advance. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I wasn’t asking your ages to pass any judgment — in fact, I don’t think that age always makes a big difference, but it does if a woman is dating a man who wants biological children and she’s 45 when it’s not so easy to have children. Also, when someone is young, they may not have the same life experiences that someone much older may have — and that’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but the age difference can explain things that are questionable. Also, if someone is 55 and never married, it may explain some things that are being asked. That’s why I always like to know how old people are, so I give better advice! 😀 But I have to say, it really sounds like you’re very defensive about the age difference — you came out of the gate swinging, when I just asked how old you were. You may consider that for you, this actually is an issue. When it’s not, people don’t mention it at all. 😉

Otherwise, here’s my advice: It sounds like your boyfriend of a little over a year is talking to other women — and this is new behavior, in other words, he didn’t do this when you first started dating, in fact it sounds like he used to be very committed to you, and now you’ve found out that he secretly got a new phone number that he was (is?) using to talk to women, behind your back. You confronted him and he said he stopped, but you’re anxious about his commitment to you, now. So, here’s the deal. This doesn’t have to do with your age. And it doesn’t have to do with his visit to his sick mother. It has to do with the relationship, itself. Not everybody is going to be your Mr. Right — and I appreciate that you know what you’re looking for. That’s really great. But now, you have to focus on making sure you get that. If after a year, at his age (which is an age when many men can and/or do marry if they want to), you feel that his commitment has changed, you can either change your own behavior so that you make the relationship more enticing to him to be in, or you decide that you’re not what he’s looking for; he’s not what you’re looking for, and you use that opportunity to move on.

Men don’t change their behavior for no reason. Either he’s decided he’s not happy in the relationship — enough so to start talking to other women — because of the relationship or because he’s realized he wants a different woman. If it’s the former, then find ways where you can be the woman he wants. And if you can’t, then accept that you’re not compatible, and move on.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. 😉

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[Kayla19]

I’m sorry i didn’t mean to get “crazy”. I only got a little defensive because some people always puts age in the situation like it’s what really matters. I must say, this situation happened about 2 months ago, but my insecurity wont let me get past it. And I would like to know what do you think I should do? Because every since my relationship before this one I’ve been like this. I have trust issues. I talk to his mother and uncle who lets keeps me updated. Me and him talk everyday, text everyday. But about the phone number situation, I wasn’t saying that he went behind my back and got his number changed he talked to me about it and said he think it would be best to change it so no one would have it. Me personally , didn’t care if he changed it or not. By the way you give great advice; and it’s more easy to get advice from you than others who past judgement on every situation.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words. 😀 Regarding your new question…..

[quote]I must say, this situation happened about 2 months ago, but my insecurity wont let me get past it. And I would like to know what do you think I should do? Because every since my relationship before this one I’ve been like this. I have trust issues.[/quote]

It sounds like you’ve now pinpointed the problem as one that belongs to you, and that’s insecurity that pre-dates this relationship. The way a person gets over an insecurity is to use each situation where they feel that feeling as an opportunity to examine it, and ask themselves what it is, exactly, that they’re feeling, and why. The truth is that you are the only one who knows the answer to why you feel this way, and while I can suggest some reasons, they’d be guesses because you know you, better than anyone, and what’s driving you towards insecurity. When you figure out what it is — and it will be something from your past — you can then consciously process why that past situation no longer exists. Until you do, any situation that mimics your past catalyst, will give you an opportunity to bring up those feelings again.

This isn’t a magic wand solution, and it will take time — the amount of time depends on your personal process — but you can remedy it.

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