[angeleyes08]

April,

I recently went to my boyfriends briefcase to put a card in to surprise him, hoping that he would open it at work and put a smile on his face ( for our anniversary). I found some things like a book and a couple of journals. I did not read the journals in detail but it looks like they are old and he was doing some self- improvement lessons through a book. That did not bother me. What bothers me is that there is a book there that’s written for dating advice. It’s called from SHY To Social. I looked into the book and it’s all about tips on how to approach women etc. WHY IS HE READING THIS? I checked again a few days later and the book is still there. This makes me extremely upset. It means he is keeping me there until he finds something better. He also started doing some sort of hypnoses sessions and he said he won;t tell me what they are for because he doesn’t want to talk about it. He did mention that sometimes peoples fears are created from childhood and this is what the book mentioned about being “shy” in the dating game.

I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to approach him about this. I keep finding weird things without looking for them and I don’t want him thinking I am snooping around.

Please help

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fill me in a little more. How old are you both and how long have you been dating?

[angeleyes08]

It has been 2.5 years. First year was on and off because I just got out of a 6 year relationship and wanted to party a little, so he wouldn’t take me seriously. We broke up a couple of time but it has been a full year without any breakups and a lot o improvement and love. he is 45 and I am 30. He kind of has commitment issues since he has never been married and I am his second longest relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So you’re dating a guy who’s 45 and never married…. and he’s doing hypnosis, but doesn’t want to discuss it with you. And then you find a dating book or two in his briefcase. All signs point to his having an independent life beyond what the two of you share. You probably already know this. He’s reading this book because he wants to get better at approaching women. It sounds like he’s looking for some extra curricular activities beyond what the two of you have. Maybe things aren’t as good for him in the relationship as they are for you. I suspect he’s looking for some reason for discontent, in the hypnosis sessions and is hoping to make some changes in his life.

I know that’s not great news, but I do hope it clarifies things for you. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[angeleyes08]

April,

I would like to give you an update and ask you for more advice. I found out that the hypno therapy was for his personal issues such as hair loss and self esteem as well as problems with his Dad. Shortly later I asked you about the book, we had an argument over something that seemed very serious at the time and I had reasons to question his loyalty. I went through his car and his bags. I also used that as an opportunity to tell him that I saw the book. He said that the book is from a few years ago that he already read and it was in his house and he wanted to keep it out o the house so I would not ind it and question him.

This brought up another issue. He seemed to be frustrated for days after we had this huge blow out and I decided to believe him and move on. One night at dinner the truth finally came out. He said he was super missed that I went through his stuff. He said it;s not cool to look thorugh peoples stuff. This actually answered my question that I was going to ask him in a few weeks. I was going to bring up the subject of us moving in. Now he is 45 and I am 30. It has almost been 3 years ( 1st year was on and off). I typically would not rush things BUT due to our age difference I feel like I am at this point where I need to knwo what he think about our future. I want to ask him if he is ready for us to at least live together because I dont want to waste time at my age. The fact that he got freaked out that I checked his car and his bathroom, tells me that he is NOT ready to share his space with me. He is not ready to give up privacy. After he told me he was pissed that I “snooped” I broke down and told him that we have two different views. I lived with a guy for 6 years before him and we shared everyitng. He is 45 and never lived with anyone so I think he is not used to that. He is used to eveyritng being only his and for him. After the fight, he said sorry and he said I have valid points.

Is it time for me to ask him? I dont knwo i I give him an “ultimatum” or if I simply tell him that i he is not ready to take the next steps after almost 3 years an at his age, then I need to move on. Now sure how to talk to him about it. I don;t want to pressure him. I want it to be natural BUT I know in our relationship I will ALWAYS have ot be the “pusher”

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have good instincts — but bad behavior! 😉 If you’re dating a 45 year old guy who doesn’t move the relationship forward after a year of dating, and you want a committed, monogamous relationship that leads to moving in together, marriage, etc. then you need to move on. His behavior lets you know all you need to know. I don’t think you should ask him about moving in together or give him an ultimatum. If he wanted you to move in with him, he would have. 🙁

Also, the snooping through his stuff twice indicates there’s a trust issue. I know you’re trying to make it seem like this is what normal couples who live together do — but that’s not true. 😕 You obviously don’t trust him. You’re not getting what you want from him in terms of relationship goals. And you’re still trying to make what isn’t working, work. This is going to be a tough road if you stay on it.

My advice is that you accept that he’s a 45 year old guy with commitment issues, self esteem and father issues, and has never been married. If you want marriage, then you have to date for the kind of guy who wants and is ready for the same things you are. Relationship goal compatibility is important. Stay focused! 😉 Now that you’re 30 it’s time to get serious about what you want and make sure you get what you want. I don’t think that this guy wants the same things you do on the same timeline you do — or close to the same timeline you do. 😳

I’m sorry that this is disappointing. I’d like to see you get what you want. 🙂 I hope this helps.

[angeleyes08]

So do I just move on without any explanation? I eel like i need to give him a reason WHY I would want to move on. Is it okay for me to sit down and tell him the reason why I think it’s not working out? I want him to understand what went wrong for me on my end…..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The important thing is that you move on. You should break up with him politely and civilly but firmly. You can tell him that you appreciate a lot of what the relationship brought you, but you realize that you’re looking for something different and you wish him luck.

Make sure you don’t use the break up to try and keep yourself in the relationship by soliciting changes from and promises from him — after all this time, which you know, deep down won’t change things. 😉

[Sally]

Finding something like that when you’re trying to do something sweet can flip your stomach fast. But slow down for a second before you decide what it means. A book like that doesn’t automatically mean he’s looking for someone else. A lot of people carry old tools from before a relationship and never clean them out. Same with the journals and self-improvement stuff. That could all be about his own confidence, not about replacing you.

What matters more is how he treats you now, not what’s sitting in a briefcase. The hypnosis thing and not wanting to explain it does feel distant, though, and it’s okay to notice that. You don’t have to accuse him or confess snooping. You can just say you’re feeling a little uneasy and want to understand what he’s working through. If you can’t talk openly, that’s the bigger issue.

[Tara]

You went into his briefcase, found evidence of self-work, and immediately rewrote it into a betrayal narrative because your insecurity is louder than your logic. A book about social skills is not a secret plan to replace you.

It’s a man working on himself, something emotionally mature adults do, whether they’re single or partnered. The fact that your first conclusion is “he’s keeping me until he finds someone better” says far more about your fear of abandonment than it does about his intentions.

Now let’s address the real problem, control disguised as concern. You don’t trust him, and instead of owning that, you’re snooping, catastrophizing, and silently prosecuting him in your head. That’s not intuition, that’s anxiety running unchecked. The hypnosis sessions? Same thing. He is allowed to work on his mind, fears, confidence, or past without filing a report to you. Privacy is not guilt. Growth is not betrayal. And the more you monitor, interrogate, and internally accuse him, the faster you poison the relationship.

Here’s what you do: you stop investigating, and you start acting like an adult. If you truly believe he’s lining up replacements, then leave, don’t lurk around gathering “evidence.” And if you don’t actually know that, then stop assigning malicious intent to neutral information. If you bring this up, you do it cleanly and directly, without accusations: you admit you saw the book accidentally, you ask what he’s working on, and you listen without dramatics.

[Member]

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