[MaxSD]

I believe this hate has stemmed from when i first met her. As a child i had 3 things which kept my self worth and asteem in line: my skills in art. The other 2 are not inportant in this. When i first met her she crushed my art skills into the ground. I suck so bad in comparrason. Im ruined from this, pathetically. After this hard knock i was determined to get on her level. But after so much practise and pages of art books i was still crap. From this realisation my life went downhill. My self asteem went away and one by one my lessons in school went badly, now in a mess right before my gcse’s. I think i searched for someone to blame for all this. I tried not to but my thoughts became very much a part of me. I blamed her and i hate her for it. It was her fault for all my shit.

I used to really love her,i would do anything for her, but now i normally dont care about her feelings at all , faking my happiness with her when really, she depresses me. I hate myself for how disgusting i am. Im so heavily influenced by this hate i litterally try to shoot her down on anything i dont like that she does. I dont know why this became such a problem. It was so dormant , just in the back of my head, but right now i just dont give a fuck anymore. But i still love her quite a bit. Im so conflicted! As i told her about this tonight i didnt even care if she felt bad.

I know that im the problem in the relationship. And if i didnt tell her it would continue to grow and become a worse problem. Perhaps telling her would save her from more pain i may cause. Now im considering breaking up with her. I dont care about her or her feelings, and every day shes becoming more obsessed and invested in me. I care enough that i really dont want to put her through more shit like this with me, i am obvously getting worse. But i dont want to leave her. I love her. But it may be better for both of us. She wont be dealing with my shit, and i might get better with her out of the equation.

But what if we can work it out? I dont want to jump the gun on this. Should i stick with her, or is it a lost cause?

Sorry for the bloody lengthy explanation but context is inportant.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think your instinct to break up with her so that you can focus on yourself and your own issues, is a good one. It sounds like if you don’t, you’ll be creating a really destructive, codependent relationship, further than it already is — so you need a break. You’re an artist who’s tough on himself, and very emotional. I think it’s a good idea to be alone for now, so you can figure out what works for you as an individual, with clarity. That’s the first step to being in a healthy relationship. You have to work form a good baseline — and that baseline is you!

Let me know if this helps — and tell me how things go. If you have any more questions, I’m here.

[MaxSD]

Yeah right now im on a break with her for a week, hopefully she will simmer down , and i’ll be more “collected” by the end of it. Thinking of perhaps doing some councilling or something. Anyway thanks for the reply! I’ll see how this week goes. Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. If you have any more questions, please ask. I’m happy to answer them for you. 😉

[Member]

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