[sm8chan]

This is kind of a long story, if you don’t feel like reading it all please scroll down to the [b]tl;dr[/b] 🙂

Hello all, please call me S – 21, senior in college. I don’t live at home anymore so this tale begins as I was finishing up my last term of junior year in a city far from my hometown. For the last two-ish months I’ve been talking to a friend from high school who we’ll call K. When I initially started talking to K, it was at the suggestion of a mutual friend who said that K would really like hearing from me. I thought it would just be an occasional exchange of witty banter as I am usually flippant about flirtatious interactions. However, K and I began to talk – actually have conversations that weren’t always sexually charged. One night we just stayed up skyping until the morning. He would often compliment me – not just “you’re hot,” but cheesy things about how I’m smart and beautiful… all that buttery complimentary goodness. Needless to say, we were both really looking forward to me coming home for summer.

Around the last week leading up to my homecoming K didn’t contact me as much as he had been. I got a bad feeling about it (I have massive trust issues) but didn’t indicate that I was bothered by his dwindling messages. By the time the day came for me to arrive home and seal the deal with K, I was a jittery mess. I was so anxious and exhausted, I didn’t get much sleep at all and by the time I finally saw him in person I felt I was in a dream state. I told K I was tired and we went to lay down, but as I’m sure you know one thing leads to another and we sealed the deal. We went at it several different times, but he never finished off and here’s why – he had been taking anti-depressants for several weeks and the side effects had kicked in, but not the “main effect” of stopping/reversing depression. He seemed to enjoy it nonetheless, and so did I. We took a shower together and he made me some breakfast and we hung out all day. We were both super tired it seemed and fell asleep at different points during the day. Sometime later that evening I tried to instigate more intimacy, but this did not go over well for K (or even me for that matter). K and I went back to just hanging out and eventually he went to sleep because he had to work the next morning. He kissed me good bye saying something like he’d “talk to me,” and that was it.

I didn’t hear from him for about 4 days, until he text me asking if I wanted to go hiking, but I woke up too late to respond and missed the opportunity. I suggested we hang out after he got back but he mentioned he didn’t have his car and asked me where I was twice – after I sent my address, there was no response and hasn’t been since.

So friends, here is where I ask you 1) what do you think is going on with K and I? and 2) what should I do next? Was K only ever in it to use me and lose me, or has he been distant because he wants to sort out his depression side-effects issues before contacting me again? The possibility of me “smothering him” is pretty slim because I didn’t text him much either when he wasn’t as communicative just before I got home, nor have I contacted him since we parted in person 4-5 days ago. I also don’t think I was too “clingy” when we were together in person – I’m not sure if I even spoke very much. There is a chance that I am being hard to read as well – I never told K how I felt or what I wanted, so there is a chance he has no inclination to how I actually feel.

[b]TL;DR[/b]: I have no idea what to say or do… how do I tell him I’m still interested and I miss him, and that I don’t care about his issues, if that’s even the case? It’s this fine line I’m not sure how to walk because I don’t know if he’s become distant because of that or because he just doesn’t like me anymore v.v I feel like anything I say will come on too strong, yet at the same time I’ve hardly said anything at all because of this fear… what do I do??

Thanks for your help! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are some basics in relationships and I’ll try to explain them to you and then answer your specific questions. 😀 First of all, don’t chase guys. That doesn’t mean literally running after them — it means initiating contact, dates, etc. The reason is twofold. First of all, when you make those first moves, you take the opportunity away from the guy. Men love chasing women, and when you do it for him, he can’t. 😳 Chasing you and winning you over is what makes men feel like they got a prize worth valuing and hanging onto. This may sound cheesy to you, but it’s all true. 😉 The second reason to let guys do the chasing is that you’ll know if he likes you or not — and how much. If he invites you out to do things, he’s into you. If he doesn’t, he’s not. It’s that simple. Next, don’t sleep with a guy so quickly if you want a meaningful relationship. Men sleep with women because they can. It doesn’t mean the same thing to them that it does to you. And, although you’ve been talking to him on Skype and the internet and phone — it’s not the same thing as dating someone. In fact, there’s a sense that you know someone when you really don’t. Dating in person is a very important process because it lets you get to know the person in real life. And then you can make decision based on what you learn from that process. 😉

I hope that helps, and now I’ll answer your specific questions. 😀

[quote] 1) what do you think is going on with K and I? [/quote]

It’s simpler than you want it to be — in fact, you’re probably reading way more into this than there is. It sounds like you initiated contact with him by phone or internet, and then conducted an online relationship with him. When you got home and saw him, you had sex with him on the first visit — it wasn’t even a date. 😕 Now, he’s lukewarm at best in his attention to you. I think things in person weren’t as good for him as they were when you were just talking online. He’s not that interested in dating you. 😥

[quote]and 2) what should I do next? [/quote]

You should focus on having a good summer, and not put too much stock on his calling or not calling. If he does, and he asks you out on a date, then go! But don’t sleep with him — instead, get to know him further. 😉 If he doesn’t call, then you should play the field and see who else is around this summer who’s interesting. 😀

[quote]Was K only ever in it to use me and lose me, or has he been distant because he wants to sort out his depression side-effects issues before contacting me again? [/quote]

I don’t think he was ever using you. I think he’s been distant because the two of you don’t know each other as well as you think, and when you got together in person, he realized that he’s not as into you as he seemed to be online, or as you both hoped you’d be. Sometimes this happens when people who meet online, then meet in person. An online relationship is one thing, but it doesn’t always translate into a successful in real life relationship. People get involved online for different reasons than they do in real life. That’s why the dating process is so great — it really gives you a chance to get to know them in person, if that’s what you ultimately want.

As for the “depression side effects” I think you’re referring to his having sex with you and not being able to finish the act the way he wanted to. I think that he’s using this as an excuse not to see you because if he really wanted to see you, he could, without sex — or with sex. Either he realized he’s not that into you, or else he’s embarrassed by what happened between the two of you with sex and doesn’t feel close enough to you to talk to you about it — or he thinks you just want sex and he’s concerned about performing again.

[quote]I have no idea what to say or do… how do I tell him I’m still interested and I miss him, and that I don’t care about his issues, if that’s even the case?[/quote]

You don’t tell him you’re still interested, you miss him, etc. If you do, you’ll be chasing him, and that’s not a good thing to do in a relationship. It will just cause you further confusion and it won’t bring him closer. Instead, you focus on your life, playing the field, and if he calls and asks you out, then you should go. But if he doesn’t, then you should recognize that he’s not that into you, and the online relationship didn’t translate into an in person relationship. 😳

[quote]It’s this fine line I’m not sure how to walk because I don’t know if he’s become distant because of that or because he just doesn’t like me anymore v.v I feel like anything I say will come on too strong, yet at the same time I’ve hardly said anything at all because of this fear… what do I do??[/quote]

Again, don’t do anything. If he’s become distant because of sexual side effects of his medication that he hasn’t dealt with — he can still invite you to do things that have nothing to do with sex. And if he doesn’t, it means that he’s not that into you. Your concern about coming on too strong is a good instinct. Follow the basic rules of dating here and let the guy do the asking out so you know where you stand — and if it’s disappointing, then learn from the experience, and move on wiser for next time. 😉

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