[Navy Dude]

Hello, I’m here seeking some opinions and advice on my relationship. Things in my life have changed very dramatically and quickly over the last 8 months or so. To make it short and sweet, last summer I decided to join the military and chase my dreams of becoming a pilot. I was lucky enough to be accepted into the program and left home for training in December 2012. I decided at this time that I would ask my girlfriend of 5 years to be my wife, and she said yes! Things are great.

Present day, I am still in military training in Florida and she is living with her parents and working in Illinois. Military life is very uncertain, so we decided to get a courthouse marriage back in March. This was more of a “plan B” situation, as getting time away from the military (especially during a training phase) can be very hit or miss. Things have worked out though, and we are on schedule to attend our own beautifully planned wedding in less than a month back home in Illinois. It’s tough being apart from one another so much, which is more than likely increasing the tension between us at times.

So, our problems lie mostly in her excessive need for attention, and quite frankly my concern for her laziness toward helping provide for a healthy career and lifestyle. The problems we face are not that deeply rooted, but I have a difficult time talking to her about my concerns without making her upset. I have a hard time being blunt with her, because it usually ends up in a huge blow up. She is good about making me feel wrong and like I’m an inconsiderate person when we have these discussions. But, I can’t help but feel I am making some sort of sense in my views.

One of our major hang ups right now is that she feels that I’m not giving her enough attention. The reason is that I am honestly 100% immersed in my training (Naval Aviation). It’s no joke, I’m out of bed at 5:00A, at class all day until 4:00P, studying right up until bedtime around 9:00P five days a week. Weekends I’m studying around 8 hours a day as well. I can and have admitted that there’s just not a lot of room for anything in my life right now besides getting through this training. I still make time to call her each night, typically to receive a bad attitude and negative critisism toward our communication. I’ve explained to her the schedule and importance of what is happening down here, but she can’t see it first hand and therefore cannot see my point of view. Instead of being happy about the little time we do get to talk, it’s usually just an argument about something petty. So she’s unhappy, and now I’m unhappy and unable to concentrate on my job.

She took a week off of work last month to drive down and visit, which was great. But more of the same. I felt in her eyes that it was some kind of vacation. We were supposed to be going out to eat, and going to the beach, etc, etc. But for me it was still the daily grind of training. I would come home to a bored and unhappy woman who was further dissapointed that I had to have my face in a book for the rest of the evening. I felt bad for her so I slacked off of the books every now and again to try and spend some time with her. This often didn’t turn out good, because my conscience knew I should be studying and therefore my attention and personality just weren’t the same. This was a HUGE distraction, and my grades were affected negatively while she was here. I don’t know how to get her to understand or be on my side when it comes to this issue.

Our next issue, like I mentioned, is her lack to contribute to our marriage financially. I feel selfish even saying that, because I am not a money hungry type of person. The issue that I have is that I am obviously doing my best and working hard for the things I have. I don’t mind at all providing for my wife when she needs help here and there. I’ve even offered to pay off her car for the betterment of our financial situation. The issue is that she doesn’t seem to be interested in working to help provide for our future. We met in college and she was a very hard worker and earned a degree in Radiation Technologies. She had aspirations of continuing her education to become a Physicians Assistant. She even applied for the program a few years in a row, but was unable to attain a slot. Since then things have seemed to decline. She move home with her parents. Nothing wrong with that at all, times are tough. But she will only take jobs or positions that are part-time. She is basically unwilling to work a full-time job. Sometimes she will only have 2 days on a paycheck. I don’t know this for sure, but I think at times her parents have to help her with her car payments and, sometimes, outrageous credit card bills.

So without going too deep there, when we talk about her moving to Florida and starting a job she again only wants to talk about these part-time or on-call positions. She gets frustrated with me when I suggest that maybe she should do something full-time to provide more stability in the income. I’ve been told that I’m “not a true man because I don’t want to provide for my family,” and the man should “always be the bread winner.” I quite frankly feel like those are just excuses because she is too lazy to hold a full-time job. I don’t understand why she is so defiant, why does she need that much free time? I want the strong and determined woman back that I knew at the beginning of our relationship. She wants to have all of these nice things in life, but isn’t willing to work for them. It’s kind of the polar opposite of how I’m going about my life. I don’t know how to approach this situation without starting yet another silly argument.

So I don’t know, maybe she is right about a lot of this and I need to be more open minded about her views. Any suggestions or advice is very much appreciated. My appologies for being so long winded, it’s been on my mind for a while now!

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[Navy Dude]

I am 27, she is 25.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you have communication problems within your marriage. I can help you with that! 😉

First of all, your need for peace in your marriage, so that you can do your job, is understandable. However, it’s important to break the pattern you’re in with your wife by changing YOUR behavior because telling her to change will backfire, and you have a lot more control over yourself than anyone else. So address her need for attention by sending her short, little love notes during the week. Funny and romantic e-cards are free and easy and will make her feel attended to. And mailing little gifts like teddy bears, single flowers, candy — these will all make her feel better than she does now. That alone should change her behavior, but to seal the deal, when she thanks you for your gestures, use that opportunity to tell her how happy you are to make her happy and to take care of her need to feel that she’s important to you, and how tough it is while you’re in this phase of your military career, and that you really appreciate it when she’s thanking you and appreciating you because sometimes what you hear as berating or criticizing is difficult to take and ends up making you take four steps backwards in your work because you just can’t sleep or study or work well when you’re worrying about her. Then gently, tell her that you know that this is hard for her and you really appreciate her maturity in understanding that this is an important phase in your career and your marriage, and that it won’t always be like this, but that when she gives you the space to do your studying and your work, with these very tough hours — it makes you appreciate her so much more!

Next, you have to have a conversation about money — and this is a hot button in most marriages! Especially new marriages where the subject hasn’t been thoroughly discussed prior to marriage — but use this opportunity to focus on what is important for the marriage. Since you seem to have different ideas of how money in your marriage is going to be made and spent, my advice is to take a tone that implies you want to build a financial future together. Start by talking about what you both want to build — money for a home? new cars? children? a college fund for them? vacations? retirement? — be creative, and use this opportunity to build on your marriage by sharing dreams. Then talk about the income necessary to live on, invest and save, and how you’re going to get it at different points in your lives. For instance, if you want children and haven’t discussed that before, do so now, as well as whether you can afford them, and if so how you can afford them (childcare is expensive). Talk about how much money you need currently, and how you can get that amount together. Let her know you were hoping she’d bring in X amount of income. And listen to her reaction. Talk about how if you want one vacation a year, you’ll need to bring in a certain amount of income as a family, etc. In other words, get out of the finger pointing game when it comes to finances, and instead focus on building your dreams together, and sharing, as well as compromising, on the responsibilities that come with those dreams. 😉

I hope that helps — let me know how things go.

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