[jazmin]

Dear April,

There is a new marketing manager working at an affiliate company in my building. Ever since we laid eyes on each other, we have had quite an interesting rapport. During his presentations, I noticed that he tried to make eye contact with me. Perhaps he was seeking a sympathetic listener. However, later on when I tried this very same tactic on him, he tried to make me somewhat jealous by softly talking and gently embracing the person next to me as she had problems understanding an element of his presentation. Personally, I found his behavior childish and ridiculous, so I no longer paid any attention to him and his work. The following week, I noticed him trying to desperately regain eye contact with me; he did successfully. However, he also missed his cup while pouring water and dropped the jug on the floor! So, I figured that he was nervous around me and that was perhaps why he never approached me. Strangely enough, I was quite nervous around him too. Ever since our first meeting, I have been ridiculously intrigued by him to the point that I can not explain why.

Anyways, I realize that men love the chase, but I figured if we were ever going to talk to each other it would be better sooner than later. The perfect opportunity had sufaced. As I am a communications director, all documents from the home and affiliate firms need my approval prior to being disseminated. The release that he issued was flawed so I made an appointment to see him to discuss the company’s protocol. In view of all of his games, I thought that he would give me at least 45 minutes of his time; instead he gave me 15. So, as I had to take care of business first, I reviewed his release and unwillingly came at him like a hurricane. I was kind and delicate, nevertheless, I was a force to reckon with. I really felt bad about our meeting so I apologized to him later that day. He did not ask me out, however, he insisted that I drop by or call him anytime. What does this mean? Should I call him and when? He’s truly a great man and I want to have a chance at starting a relationship with him.

Thanks for your help,

Jasmin

[Ask April Masini]

Don’t call him. Let him call you. 😉

Your relationship with him is complicated because of your work dynamics. Don’t confuse work and play, and the fact that men chase women — and don’t take that opportunity away from him. 😉

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[jazmin]

Thanks for your response.

I am very professional at work, even overly professional at times; so, I hope he does not get turned off by this. Anyways, we have another meeting in two weeks. I will email him about it and see what he will do next. Why can’t men simply approach a woman, talk to her, and have a cup of coffee with her to see whether she is relationship material? Sadly, this chase resembles a game; at times I feel like a contestant on Survivor! Is it too much to ask for a man who is sincere, genuine, and straightforward?

Thanks again,

Jasmin

[Ask April Masini]

It’s less of a game if you think about the motivations that men and women have and their behaviors. Men want women who make them feel good about themselves — when it comes to relationships that are romantic. Because you have so much contact with him at work, you’re probably not realizing that although you see him, and he sees you, he’s seeing your work persona, not your personal persona, and the work persona is not one that is going to fulfill his needs as a man. That’s where you have to balance who are you in the office with who you are out of the office, and let him glimpse what it would be like to be with you outside of the office, and the way to do this is to flirt with him — a behavior you’re not used to doing in the office. You’re counting on meetings and work contact to get him to ask you out, but if you see him outside of work — even if it’s in the elevator or parking lot — that would be a better place to flirt with him. Sometimes people who work together congregate at certain places after work, have outside of work friends with whom they socialize, etc. — and these are all the places you want to try and show up at to show him your flirtatious, outside the office persona, so he can see how he feels about and with you.

[quote]Why can’t men simply approach a woman, talk to her, and have a cup of coffee with her to see whether she is relationship material?[/quote]

They can and they do, but at this very moment, he is not interested in you enough to do so. You’re trying to get him to do something he isn’t interested in doing right now by showing him that you’re more than just an “office face” — you’re fun, sexy, and clever outside of the office. Sometimes men see that in a woman right away and chase after them without the woman doing much to encourage that, but that’s not the case here, so you have to do some work. 😎

[quote] Sadly, this chase resembles a game; at times I feel like a contestant on Survivor! [/quote]

It’s no more a game than business is a game, politics is a game, running a family is a game, education is a game, etc. You’re confusing the negative aspects of a game with the reality of a system. Relationships are systems and the dynamics within them, and the motivations for behavior of the participants are the “rules”. If you want someone to do something, then you have to do something to guide that behavior. It’s science. It’s human nature. It’s a combination. 😉

[quote]Is it too much to ask for a man who is sincere, genuine, and straightforward?[/quote]

You got one, but you don’t like the outcome — so far. Consider that you are the one who isn’t being straightforward about what you want — if you flirt with him, and make it clear you’re giving him something to chase after, then you’ll be genuine in trying to balance work and romance — and he’ll get the opportunity to see this other side of you, and behave accordingly. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[jazmin]

Thank you for your wonderful insights and the much needed help!

Just a quick update… One of his colleagues gave me one of his proposals to review and asked me to schedule a meeting with him to discuss my findings. Seeing that the task was very straight forward, I completed it within a day and asked my secretary to schedule a meeting with him. He chewed her out as he did not understand how I was able to complete the task so fast. Anyway, we’re stressed enough as it is here and before my secretary would let him have it, I wrote back to him, explaining that I completed my review but needed some help with the raw data to prepare my final report. So, as he is overwhelmed by other projects (which I know he is; he’s had a hard time adjusting to our corporate climate and the workload), I told him that I would do the best to complete the report on my own and will meet him at a later time. I know that it will make him feel bad as he is trying really hard to fit in, but at the same time, perhaps he will see that I am a kind enough person who understands and will give him the space he needs.

Wishing you continued success,

Jasmin

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome, and thank you for the kind words. 😀 😀

A last piece of advice — you’re clearly very professional and successful in the workplace. That’s great. But…..The world of romance is different, and if you can try and put yourself in his shoes and think like a man — I know this is tough, but it’s why I wrote, [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], for women like you! — you’ll have more insight than most women, about why he does what he does, what it takes to get him, and how to do it. Success at work does not directly translate to success in relationships. They are different languages. 😉

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[jazmin]

Sorry for not posting sooner; I had the flu.

Indeed, I will definitely buy the book. In the meantime, let me give you an update.

Last week, he asked to meet with various people and stated his availability. He penciled me in for 5:30 p.m. today; the time at which very few, if any, folks are around. So, I was happy as I would finally have the opportunity to talk with him extensively.

Earlier today, before he met with each of us, he presented his market research. He bumped into my chair not once, twice, or three times, but five times! He also mentioned my name another dozen! In response, I flirted with him (laughed at his jokes, flipped my hair, tried to establish and maintain eye contact, rubbed my neck, etc). So, you think that things were going well, right?

Well, he forgot one of his USB flash drives (with the statistics) in his office; he realized this an hour into his presentation. So, we waited 15 minutes for him to get back. Finally, he arrives and places the drive in the slot with his right hand sporting a hideous black ring on his ring finger! I now he’s not married; in fact, he’s divorced. And he has never mentioned a girlfriend; he’s actually looking into getting a cat! Yes, he’s the soft and sensitive type. Moreover, later I show up at his office at 5:30 p.m. hoping to have a minute or two to talk about other things than work. Well, we had a pleasant conversation; laughed, joked, and teased one another a bit; and then, at 6 p.m. he asks me to wrap things up because he has another meeting! I understand he may want to take things slow and thought we had a chance at starting something. I also agree that he should be doing the chasing, because, quite frankly, the jealously and “come at get me” bits really turn me off! I’ll focus on work for now and when I see him, depending on whether or not he’s wearing that ludicrous black engagement/wedding band, I’ll take it from there.

Thanks again for providing us hopefuls a place to rant,

Jasmin

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome. 😀

[jazmin]

I ordered your book and it should be receiving it next week. So, I was hoping that you could give me one more piece of advice.

I followed your advice to the letter. Flirted with him extensively. The week before last, I finally had the opportunity to meet with him in his office to talk about work. We spend over an hour and a half talking and laughing, and just had a good time. The following week, during one of our group meetings, I noticed that he was avoiding me. He would not even dare initiate any eye contact, but kept on bumping into my chair like a cat that brushes up someone’s leg! Anyway, there were a few concerns that needed to be addressed regarding his presentation. So, I asked him to set up another meeting. Nearly a week later, he decided to reply. Not professional, I know, but I did not want to push him. I saw him today and, again, he seemed to be avoiding me. It seemed like he tried to say something, but did not — he must think that I am fuming for I have an entire night’s work ahead of me. I did not want to say anything either and let bygones be bygones. At any rate, I am seeing him tomorrow. Should I ask him about his behavior? If not, what should I do next.

Thanks again,

Jasmin

[Ask April Masini]

Don’t ask him about his behavior. 😕 Since the two of you are not dating, it would be inappropriate to do so. Just look forward, not backwards. 😉

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[jazmin]

Thanks for the advice, I did not.

As for our meeting, he did not look at me once. He spent one talking about everything under the sun while wiggling in his chair, playing with his keys and pens, looking all around his office, and running his fingers through his hair, while I continually kept my focus on him. I did not say much and just let him talk because he was far too nervous and I did not want take him out of his comfort zone. He asked to see me, in his office, again this week. Hopefully, he will muster up the strength to ask me to go out for a coffee.

Thanks again,

Jaz

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. 😀

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[jazmin]

The book came in earlier today and I just finished reading it. Your views are insightful and you have provided me with a few more trick to try on him.

Anyway, he is driving me mad. I believe that he is doing this intentionally as he has done this to me beforehand. I was on my way to my office and ran into him; he winked. He was aware that I noticed; however, I was in no position to respond as my subordinates were nearby and noticed and would question why I was suddenly smiling like a 13-year-old giddy girl. So, I met with him again yesterday under the pretence that I did not understand certain elements of his marketing plan. He was somewhat cold from the get go. I don’t know whether he was stressed or not, but I did not want to go there as he did not seem to interested in talking about his day. After all, he proposed that we meet at noon — and no, he did not bother to ask to hold the meeting over lunch. However, contrary to the previous time that we met, he was not nervous, went to his barber, and looked more dapper than usual — I regret not wearing my 4-inch heels, but the weather was really crappy and with all the mud and rain, I did not feel like ruining my shoes. Hence, short of appearing completely nude in front of him, could you give me one piece of advice on how to make him crack? Indeed, the color of one’s clothing can have an impact, and goodness only knows I have been more than patient and understanding with him (and I know he appreciates it), but quite frankly, I don’t want to be wasting my time. I have been in bad relationships in the past, still they have not deterred me from seeking another mate. Moreover, as most people will tell you, I am a kind, easy going, and sympathetic person and all that I want is a straightforward response. If he does not care to pursue a relationship, all that I want from him is to say so. I don’t see why he would think that I would not understand this as I have understood everything else under the sun.

Thanks again for help and I hope that you will consider writing a follow up to Think and Date Like a Man.

[Ask April Masini]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you don’t want to waste your time. 😉 Right now, you’re fixating on this guy. And whether you intend it to or not, I’m sure it’s coming through to him that you’re really interested in getting him to ask you out. He may see you as a little bit desperate because of this. [i]And[/i], you’re talking about him as if he has all the power, and you have none. Time to regroup.

One of the things that guys find attractive, is a woman who is desired by others, and who has a life. If he sees you as those two things — someone other men are interested in, and someone who doesn’t need him (but wouldn’t say no if he asked you out on a date), you’ll be a lot more attractive to him, AND…. you won’t feel so trapped. So focus on not putting all your eggs in one basket, and see the entire world as a place where you might meet interesting men to date. You can still flirt with him — but don’t chase him. Give him something to chase after, and if he takes the bait, then great, and if he doesn’t, then let it be his loss because you’ve moved on.

I’m glad you got the book — remember that it’s about a process, not a few tricks you apply (although they do work), but if you really focus on finding Mr. Right, and not trying too hard to get someone to ask you out (spending so much energy on this one guy, you’re ignoring all the others around you who may be better investments) — you’ll have a much better yield. Remember — dating is a numbers game! 😉

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[jazmin]

Frankly, I don’t see why he would see me as desperate. To begin, he insisted vehemently that I meet with him. There was not any need to do so, nonetheless, I did not want to disappoint him. He suggested that we meet on Monday. I was on the road all and nowhere near the office. I would been insane to cancel all of my appointments for a half-hour meeting and drive over 100 miles to and from the office. He understood that I was not available and proposed another time. I don’t know, maybe his plans were thwarted by some other commitments; I don’t know nor do I care to speculate.

Moreover, I do not instigate any communication; I leave it up him. If he does not reply in a timely matter, I don’t bother writing a follow up email or calling him. He knows that I have a very active life and seeing all the time that I have spent with him and his requests, he knows that my hectic schedule does not preclude any time with him.

What drives me even more batty is that I get along much better with men than I do with women. I was never a girly girl, however, I have a great sense of style! Anyway, men have always been candid with me; those that are shy take a bit more time to approach me, considering my very forthright and boisterous nature. Still, they all know that deep down inside, I am a kind and warm-hearted person. So, I just don’t get this guy; neither do my co-workers. They see that he is interested in me and yet he chooses to play this “hot and cold” game. Regardless, we have another meeting soon, so I will dress up to the point that will make him squirm; heels make his nervous too! Perhaps this will put and end to his peculiar behavior.

Finally, I took the last two days off of work; I had some vacation time left. So, yesterday, out of the blue, I received an email from him, asking for a missing case brief. He knew that I was working on it, since we spoke of it on Tuesday, and that it was in my possession. I did not run to his beckon call; I left it with my secretary this morning. I just don’t get it. Men, can’t live with them, can’t live without them!

Can you make any sense of this ridiculousness?

Thanks,

Jazmin

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