[annabanana18]

Dear April,

I met a guy 7 months ago and we hit off great. We had sex the second time we met up, which I know I shouldn’t have done. But surprisingly he wanted to get to know me. He said that he didn’t just want sex, and he really didn’t.There were times when I would go to his place a spend nights there with no sex at all, and sometimes there was sex. I had fuck buddies before, however with them it was different. We would have sex and then leave. There was no staying the night, spending time together outside the bedroom, just strictly sex. With this guy however, he wanted sex and a friendship. I had never really had a friends with benefits (which is what I assumed we were) so I just went with the flow. Of course these kinds of relationships never work out and I ended up having feelings for him. He said he was flattered and found it sweet that I liked him more than a friend, but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I learned the hard way that you cannot force someone to want to be with you. So we just continued having sex and hanging out. I went back home for a month and a half and while I was home, he did nothing but call, text and video chat with me every day (I went home from December to January). He would say things like I miss you, and can’t wait to see you, and I wish you were here. He always wanted to talk to me. I thought to myself if he doesn’t want a relationship with me and doesn’t like me in any way, then why won’t he just go have sex with someone else? I mean is a guy really going to wait almost 2 months til a girl came back to have sex with her? Seriously. However, when I did get back we had sex. Then a few weeks later he was in a bit of a crisis so me as well as a few of his other friends lent him money, I let him stay with me for 2 days because he left the country the next day and is in Columbia. He will be there for a few months, but even when he got there he would Skype me everyday, and message me on Facebook or email me on Gmail. He said that he is always looking forward to getting online to see if I messaged him or something. I realized last month that I was in love with him, and so I told him. He said he has ‘mad love’ for me as friend, but nothing more. Yet he’s always calling me beautiful, gorgeous, cutie, babe, and everything else. Not that names really mean he likes me, but thats not all of it. He always kisses me and even when I ‘d wake up next to him. When he stayed at my placed the day before he left to go to Columbia, he said he wanted to spend time with me before he left, and since Valentines Day was close he wanted to see me before he left. He’s also taken me out and given me things. If you don’t like me and do not want a relationship, then why are you acting like a potential boyfriend? I don’t know any guys who do this. He is always giving me mixed signals, yet he claims he wants nothing. I know that guys love attention and yes I am guilty for giving him so much, but when I was too busy or not available to talk or hang out, he would get a bit agitated.I told him 4 days ago that I needed space because I need to neutralize my feelings for him (me being in love with him) and that we should not speak for a while. If I didn’t get my space, I will continue to think about what I wish could happen between the 2 of us. He gave me my space, only to contact me today, which I only answered in one word sentences. I said pretty much just 4 words and that was it. I just don’t get it. If you don’t want a girlfriend or feel the way I feel then why act the way you do? Is it just to keep me around, cause he’s not even in the country so why would it matter? He can go have sex and flirt with other girls if he wants to. How can he not like me in the slightest bit? You mean to tell me that a guy can have sex with you occasionally (and what he like to call exclusively), take me out, give me things, and say all this sweet talk, but feel no way about me. I’m so upset and hurt, I literally did waste 7 months and am slowly trying to move on, but is he worth remaining friends with? Something he feels we might be for a long time, which is so hard to believe.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not mad at him. You’re mad at yourself because you know exactly what you did wrong and exactly why you’re invested in someone who’s not willing to give you the commitment you want. 😳 You have to learn to listen to your instincts and date smart so you can get what you want.

I’ll answer all your questions here, so you can better understand what happened, play by play.

[quote]I thought to myself if he doesn’t want a relationship with me and doesn’t like me in any way, then why won’t he just go have sex with someone else? [/quote]

He may have been having sex with other people, but if he was, he certainly wasn’t going to tell you because if he did, you’d up and leave, and he wanted to keep you in the game. And you’re wrong — he did want a relationship with you, but on his terms, not yours, and he made that very clear. You ignored him. That was a mistake. 😳

[quote]I mean is a guy really going to wait almost 2 months til a girl came back to have sex with her? [/quote]

Maybe. But, again, if he was having sex with other women, he wasn’t going to let you know about. He knew that to keep you in the game, he had to be really nice to you.

[quote]If you don’t like me and do not want a relationship, then why are you acting like a potential boyfriend? I don’t know any guys who do this. He is always giving me mixed signals, yet he claims he wants nothing. [/quote]

He didn’t give you mixed signals. You gave yourself mixed signals. You write that he didn’t like you, but he did like you. For you to tell yourself that he didn’t like you is mixing yourself up. And his signals were not mixed, they were crystal clear. He wanted a relationship with you without a commitment.

[quote]I just don’t get it. If you don’t want a girlfriend or feel the way I feel then why act the way you do?[/quote]

I’m not sure why you’re so confused except that you needed to confuse yourself so you didn’t have to face the fact that he was rejecting what you wanted — a committed relationship. He acted exactly the way he needed to act to keep you in the game.

[quote] Is it just to keep me around, cause he’s not even in the country so why would it matter? He can go have sex and flirt with other girls if he wants to. [/quote]

Yes, he acted that way to keep you around. He liked knowing you were there for him even when he was out of the country, and he very well may have been flirting and romancing other women, too — but he liked to keep his option with you open for himself — and he did.

[quote]How can he not like me in the slightest bit?[/quote]

He did like you in the slightest bit — and probably more than the slightest bit, too — but he didn’t want the kind of relationship you did.

[quote] You mean to tell me that a guy can have sex with you occasionally (and what he like to call exclusively), take me out, give me things, and say all this sweet talk, but feel no way about me. [/quote]

Come on, now…. obviously he felt SOME way about you, but again, he didn’t want a relationship with you.

[quote]I’m so upset and hurt, I literally did waste 7 months and am slowly trying to move on, but is he worth remaining friends with? [/quote]

No. Definitely not. He’s not your friend. He’s a lover. There’s a difference. 😉

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[annabanana18]

Thank you for your reply. I guess I knew the answers, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’m definitely going to move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You know exactly what to do. 🙂 Now, stay focused on what you want — and go get it. 😉 And don’t forget — date smart.

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[annabanana18]

So I told him I wanted to move on and he snapped back at me and said that I really ‘hurt him’ and are ‘abandoning’ him like everybody else does. How am I hurting him? He’s not even in the country right now! He also said I was selfish, which I can understand (especially when it comes to my emotions and I don’t consider others). But like you said, he liked me and wanted a no commitment relationship, but how am I hurting him?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re hurting him by not giving him what he wants. 😕 He’s been hurting you by not giving you what you want. It’s a no win situation if you stay together. The best thing you can do for BOTH of you is to move on. 😉

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[annabanana18]

So I tried to move on in a friendly way by telling him that nothing is working out and that we need to move on. H claims that I am ‘abandoning him” like everybody else supposedly does. He said I’m a bitch and that I hurt him. Moving on is what is best. Unfortunately I did not give all the details. I have a bit if his belongings, and file is unemployment while he is out of the country. I know silly me. At the time I thought I was doing him a favor, but now that we haven’t really spoken in weeks I don’t need to keep helping someone out who can’t be considerate enough to communicate. What do I do?

[annabanana18]

I know I screwed up badly by doing these things for him, but I thought I was being a good friend. He says that I am and I quote him “a soiling fucking brat”. Because I want what I can’t have. He told me to deal with it and learn how to control my emotions and just accept the fact that he doesn’t like me like that. I know I did this to myself. He says I need to apologize for my actions(I also spazzed on him at times) and that until he’s not mad anymore, not to talk to him. I have just messed up everything.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can either send him his belongings or send them to a friend or relative. And I don’t know what you mean when about his employment, but whatever it is, send it to him, his family, his employer or someone — who isn’t you!

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