[AustinLee]

For the last month and half I have done nothing but apologize for what I have done. I kissed another women at a bar and my fiance witnessed it. I have moved out of our home and am currently making every effort to show her that I can change and be a better man. I currenly go to therapy and attend AA meetings trying to figure out why I did what I did and to be sure it will never happen again if she is ever willing to forgive me and take me back. I know this will take time and Im willing to wait an eternity to have her back in my arms and be home with my kids.

Recently we have begun to communicate in a friendly manner. We have been together for six years and she agrees that she and I are best friends but she can’t trust me anymore, and I can completly understand that. She has told me she has decided to date to see if she can find a partner is better rounded then me. I have told her I love her and want to be with her again and that I can be friendly but my true intention is to show her I can be the man that she can trust and love again.

My question is she we have history and I know she still loves me I have hurt her deeper then she has ever been hurt before. Last night she sent me an email. It was long and venting about her day with kids. It ended like this…

“[Do not take this email the wrong way…I almost decided not to push send…this is a friendly email…you are my friend and involved with the kids and therefore you are obligated to hear this venting and be supportive ;)> (that is a little pointy tongue sticking out at you…in a funny and FRIENDLY way ;-:>…there it is again…still friendly and not romantic in any way ;’’>—that one is winking so hard it has cheek wrinkles…which is appropriate since jag thinks I am ancient and belong in a museum somewhere.]”

Does that sound like she still loves me or am reading into it and she truly only wants to be friends?

Is htere anyway she can forgive me and what should I do?

[AskApril Masini]

I can’t really comment on the excerpt from the text — it could be flirty, or it could be just friendly. What’s more important is that you’re looking for shreds of clues that there’s still an “in”. Fill me in a little more on the relationship. How old are you both? How long have you dated? When did you get engaged? Is there a wedding date? You mention children — how old and how many?

[AustinLee]

The two of us have been together for six years. I am 32 and she is 36. She has 3 children from her previous relationship but to me, her and the kids I am their father. I love them and treat them as if they were mine. They call me dad and I see them almost everyday since the break up. Previous to the break up we had a great relationship. We were both deeply inlove with each other with minimal problems(or at least we both thought). We have small arguments about finance and children discipline just as any other relationship. Over the past three years I have been going to school and taking care of the children as a stay home dad. I recieved my degree in criminal just and recently graduated from the police academy. Over the past 6 months I have been unemployed and looking for a job. I recently got the opportunity to work with the Coast guard and have a interview next week with another agency.

We both quit drinking around 3 years ago and at the begining I was doing well, although I occasionly would stop for a beer once in a while. While in the acedemy I didn’t drink and when I first returned home I was sober for a while.. I love my kids and my family but had some troubles with being a stay at home dad. I just wanted to work. April 11 I went out and Had a drink by myself and ended up having more then one. I women across the bar came and sat next to me and begun to talk. We spoke for an hour and she seemed intrested in my stories was easy to talk to. She was not attractive was just easy to talk to. after another two hours I relized I needed to go home she followed me out to my car and kissed me and I kissed back. At this time my fiancé pulled up to see this all happening next to my jeep. As she pulled up and called my name I was stunned. “what just happened” my finace pulled away and I stood there stunned as the women continued to stand with me holding my hand. My fiance pulled back around to see this and was furious.

I went home to her angry and she asked me to get my stuff and move out. She packed me a bag and I went to a hotel. Since then I went to visit my mother in Cali to give her space but still called about every three days and we argued. I apologized and told her I know what I did was wrong and I have no excuse. I am sorry and have told her over and over. She asked me for space wich I am not the best at giving and I have tried. Upon my return (3 weeks later) she asked me to remove my name from any and all finances and lease we had together. I stayed at a close hotel to be close to the kids and see them everyday.

[AustinLee]

I have sold the jeep so she will never have to see it again. She has told me we can be friendly with each other but we are over. She says she is on dating sights trying to shop for a man who is more self motivated then me and who she doesn’t have to care for. In this she is right I need to be a better man.I am woringk on me to prove I can be that man she is looking for. we have talked a couple of times over the last week and we have sat together and been civil. I still go by the house and do chores to help her and stop by her business to fix things that need to be fixed. I also have taken her car to be cleaned which she appreciates. Im visiting my father for two weeks in the keys to give some more space she has asked for. we have talked about the kids but not about us. I told her I missed her and the kids and asked if she missed me and she said yes and no.

I love her with every part of my heart. I Know what I did was wrong and she told me she never thought in her wildess I would ever do this. She also has said she is haapy being single and never wants a man living with her again and being part of the kids life except for me. Im doing all I can to keep busy but I think about her everyday. Im going to therapy and taking AA classes to try to help me with every problem I have. She has said that maybe if I become a more stable man who is self motivated like the “PHD’s on the dating sites she is dating I could give her a call if she hasnt found a new man.

These coments hurt and she knows it. Im not sure what she wants, but I dont want to lose her and my family. She wont see the therapist with me and refuses to talk about the possibility of us. What should I do? I cant quit on love and I quit on us. Is she truly done? After six years is it really that easy for her to move on? She seems so stong and I feel so weak.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m very sorry for your pain. I know that you feel it was one night’s mistake versus six years of a strong relationship, and therefore, the math should hold up… but you’re dealing with feelings and the six years minus one mistake doesn’t always equal forgiveness. She’s got to process what happened, decide how to proceed, and that’s what’s she’s doing. She hasn’t closed the door to you, but she’s trying to hurt you back by telling you about the guys she’s now dating and how motivated they are (meaning you aren’t). She’s not ready to move towards you or to forgive just yet. She may not ever be. Or….. she may. The problem is she’s not on your timeline. She’s on hers. Your job is to stay strong and be healthy. Reach out to her as you have been, and balance that with making a life for yourself. Try to stay positive and empathetic when you interact with her. You may feel that what you did was nothing, but try and see it from her point of view and get into her head — so you can make the apology process more meaningful and not just boiler plate apologies. 😉

I hope that helps.

[AustinLee]

It does help and thank you. Is there anything else I can do at this time for her. Is there anything I shouldnt do?

[AskApril Masini]

Basically, you have to create a balancing act of being there for her, not falling into the friend zone and letting her know you want her back. You also have to let her process in her own time which involves giving her space. What you shouldn’t do is criticize her or anyone she’s dating. And if you do start to date, don’t volunteer that information.

[AustinLee]

Thank you again for all your insight. I have talked to family and only she is my best friend. I have mistakes along the way durring our breakup but I hope to improve and be a stronger man. I screwed up tonight when she called me for help on her studio AC and asked if she could see us ever being together again, she responded with”I dont want say yes and cant see myself trusting you again. I deserve that and told her we wont talk again until she makes the call. I need to give her this space and better myself durring this time and be there for our kids.

[AskApril Masini]

Back off with those questions. It makes you look desperate and needy (and even if you are, you don’t want to come across that way), and it pushes her at a time when she needs not to be pushed. 😉

[AustinLee]

Im on day two not talking to my ex. Its very hard, I just want to here her voice. I ahve sent her little emails letting her know Im still thinking about her but nothimh about our relationship. She responded once and said she secretly smiled.

[AskApril Masini]

Good luck! 🙂

[Sally]

You’re sitting in a lot of regret and missing your whole life right now, not just her.
I’m going to be honest, but kind. That email doesn’t mean she’s ready to take you back. It means she’s comfortable with you again as a person, not as a partner. The way she over-explained “friendly” tells me she’s protecting herself. She’s setting clear walls so she doesn’t give you or herself false hope. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. It means she’s hurt and guarding what’s left of her heart.

Can she forgive you? Maybe. People do. But forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Right now, the best thing you can do is exactly what you’re doing work on yourself without asking her for reassurance or timelines. Don’t pressure her. Don’t read into small signs. Just be steady, respectful, and consistent.

If she ever comes back, it’ll be because she feels safe again, not because you waited or hoped hard enough. And if she doesn’t, the work you’re doing still matters for you and for your kids.

[Tara]

That email wasn’t love, desire, or hope; it was her setting a boundary with a smile, so you don’t spiral and make her the villain. The emojis weren’t flirting; they were padding. She overexplained “friendly” because she knows you’re desperate enough to misinterpret politeness as intimacy. And you did exactly that.

She doesn’t trust you, and trust is the relationship. Love without trust is just nostalgia and habit, and that’s all you’re living on right now. She’s dating because she’s moving forward, not because she’s testing you. You are not in competition with other men; you’re being evaluated as a past mistake she’s deciding whether to permanently close the door on. Her saying you’re best friends is not romantic; it’s the safest emotional distance she can tolerate without blowing up the family dynamic.
Stop romanticizing your self-punishment. Apologizing nonstop, moving out,

crying in therapy, and promising eternal patience doesn’t make you noble; it makes you predictable. You cheated because your discipline failed, not because of some mystical wound you need years to excavate. Alcohol didn’t make you kiss another woman. Opportunity plus weak boundaries did. Own that cleanly instead of dressing it up as a tragic personal journey.

Here’s the part you don’t want to hear: there is nothing you can do to make her forgive you. Forgiveness is not earned through suffering or persistence. The harder you try to “prove” yourself, the more you confirm that she holds the power and you’re waiting for permission to exist. That’s unattractive, unstable, and exhausting for her to watch.

If you want any chance, not a guarantee, a chance, you stop hovering. You stop reading into emails. You stop declaring love she didn’t ask for. You become consistent, quiet, sober, accountable, and independent, whether she comes back or not. Not to win her to fix what was broken in you before this ever happened.

[Member]

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