[inthedark415]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. Everything was going great we had our little arguments here and there but we got over them really quickly. This past December we had a small falling out. He got really sick one night and vomited everywhere. He got changed and went straight to bed. I ended up cleaning everything. I went to throw his clothes in the wash and felt that he had left his phone and his wallet in his pockets. I took them out and as I set his stuff down a message popped up on it. It was his ex. Now mind you he had told me before that he hated his ex and that she stole from him and that whenever she text or called him he ignored it. So curiosity got the best of me cause from the message it had looked like they were in the midst of a conversation. So I looked at it. It was friendly like old friends catching up until the topic of our relationship came up. She asked how everything was going. He proceeded to tell her that he was purposely trying to push me away and that he didn’t want to be with anyone right now. He also told her that I wouldn’t let him leave one of his 4 jobs because I would leave him if he did ( absolutely not true cause I would never ever tell someone that I would leave them because of a job) and all this time I was actually siding with his ex who kept telling him that he needed to sit down and talk to me, but he just kept shooting it down. I was furious I started shaking and I knew I had to get out or I would wake up the entire house. I left. H e text me about an hour and a half later saying “I screwed up big time didn’t I?” He knew that I saw. I couldn’t believe it. So after I told him I needed a while to cool down he left me alone and I called him and said we needed to talk. We talked it out cause I do give the benefit of the doubt. But I don’t think that I will ever be able to fully trust him again and now my head is spinning in different directions of what I should do. We are starting to look at houses cause we are staying at his parents since our last residence fell through and we needed something on short notice. He told his parents about the house and they raised concerns about our relationship ( because of his past relationships) he outright told his dad “don’t worry everything is in my name.” Almost every relationship I have been in nothing is every ours it’s only his and I’m really starting to regret this relationship. We have been getting on each other’s last nerve and I have just shut down from all intimacy. So of course he complains and says that I must be “getting it somewhere else” which hurts cause he knows of my past relationships and how I had been cheated on in almost every one and that I vowed I would never hurt someone the way that I had been. I just need to know if I should end it now or maybe wait and see if living on our own with help, but I don’t really want to end up stuck. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

How long have you been living with his parents?

Have either of you been married before?

[inthedark415]

We are both in our late 20’s we have been living at his parents for almost a year and he has been married before I have not.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you have some important issues in your relationship, and this is definitely not a good time to buy a house with your boyfriend, or even enter into a lease with him. It sounds like he was talking to his ex-wife behind your back, but that it wasn’t because he’s cheating on you with her, but because he just needed to get attention and to vent. This doesn’t mean he wasn’t dishonest, but it wasn’t really cheating. But what’s more important is that he seems to be disrespectful of you behind your back, when talking to his ex. And that’s of more concern than the fact that he was not honest with you about his contact with the ex. Without mutual respect, a relationship won’t go the long run. 😕

His response to his parents who expressed concern about his buying a house with you, that he would put the property in his name to protect himself, makes it sound like he doesn’t trust the relationship with you to last. 🙁

Since you’re not married or engaged, it sounds like you should really take this real estate opportunity to move out and live on your own. After two years of dating, at your age, you should be with someone who’s honest, respectful and thinking about a future with you. It really doesn’t sound like he’s someone who’s doing that, and it’s creating a lot of stress for you as long as you stay.

I hope that helps.

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[inthedark415]

Your advice is really helpful. I do know that what he talked about with his ex wasn’t cheating it just really hurt to know that he could say those kind of things about me behind my back. Do you have any advice on going through with the process of leaving. I really don’t want to get stuck being at his parents house and trying to get my things and having questions.

[AskApril Masini]

Decide where you’re going to move to when you leave, and get that set up. Then tell him that you’ve decided to move on and that you’ll be out by the weekend. Then move your things out, as promised. I think that’s the cleanest way to do things.

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