[AleksandraSzl]

Hey April,

My boyfriend lives in the USA and I in Germany. We’ve been dating for about 2 years. He broke up with me 4 times now, saying he doesn’t want a relationship right now and that he feels it’s too much pressure sometimes when visiting.
About 3 months ago I’ve found out he was talking to girls, saying they don’t mean anything and that he talks to them when he gets doubts about us. We sometimes argued and he said those times made him feel we may not be perfect for each other. Every time he broke up with me we decided to still see each other. He always said he would love to see me and while I was there we got back together.
Today he hit me up saying a girl he used to talk to texted him and he kept talking to her. He said that’s when he realized he didn’t know why he kept on cheating since we didn’t have any issues. He said he didn’t know what the reason was he keeps staying in touch with other girls and needs some time to think about what he wants and that he doesn’t want to keep hurting me and feels I deserve better.
He would love to see me again and that he doesn’t want to lose me but doesn’t think we should be in a relationship right now. He said he really would like to see others but knows it’s not right.
I don’t know if he has feelings for me. He told me he loves me but is questioning how deep that love is. He said he doesn’t know what to do and how to interpret everything.
He said those other girls aren’t special, if anything it’s just something physical.
And in general what do you think is your impression on all of this?

Thank you in advance.
Aleksandra

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You and your boyfriend have broken up four times in two years and he’s making it very clear that he loves you but he wants to date other people. 🙁 The tough part for you is to understand that love isn’t enough to make a relationship work when you want a commitment and he isn’t ready to give it to you. That this is a long distance relationship makes it even tough to make monogamy work because you can’t see each other that often. I think that you have to accept that if you want a commitment, he isn’t going to be the one to give it to you. He can give you love — but he’s also going to be dating other women. Bottom line is that this isn’t a relationship where you’re going to be happy because the two of you have incompatible relationship goals. Time to move on. 😉

[Sally]

This guy cares about you, but he’s not choosing you. Breaking up four times, talking to other girls, calling it pressure, then pulling you back when you’re together that’s not confusion, that’s comfort. You’re safe for him. Familiar. He doesn’t want to lose you, but he also doesn’t want to stop doing whatever he wants.

When someone says I love you but I’m not sure how deep it is, believe that part. Love that’s steady doesn’t keep wandering. And saying the other girls don’t mean anything doesn’t make it hurt less. It actually makes it worse.

Long distance already takes a lot. You shouldn’t also have to carry his indecision. At some point, love should feel calmer than this. Not like waiting for the next break.

[Tara]

He doesn’t love you. He loves access to you.
Four breakups. Repeated cheating. Long distance. “I don’t want a relationship, but I don’t want to lose you.” That’s not confusion, that’s exploitation. He keeps you emotionally attached while shopping for other women with zero consequences. You’re the safe backup he can return to whenever his options dry up.

Let’s be clear: he cheats because he wants to. Not because he’s broken. Not because he’s pressured. Not because of doubts. Because he enjoys variety and knows you’ll stay. Every time you “decide to still see each other,” you teach him that betrayal costs nothing. So he keeps doing it.

His telling you about other girls isn’t honesty; it’s emotional laundering. He dumps the guilt on you so he can feel like a “good guy” while continuing the behavior. Saying “it’s just physical” is insulting. That means he’s risking your emotional well-being for women he claims don’t even matter. That makes it worse, not better.

He doesn’t want to lose you because you provide comfort, consistency, validation, and forgiveness on demand. He doesn’t want a relationship because that would require restraint, accountability, and respect, things he has already proven he won’t give you.
You’re asking if he has feelings. He does. They’re just not strong enough to choose you when temptation appears, and that’s the only definition that matters.

[Member]

Posts