[sunshine7]

I’m really needing some advice here. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. The whole time we have been together I have paid for the bills. This was something that was discussed during our entire relationship, he knew and I knew it. I told him from the beginning that I didn’t want someone to take care of and that I did wanted a partner. He just started giving me a little bit of money a month in the last few months. I feel that this isn’t fair. I make more money then him, but I have always worked hard for everything. He has to pay child support and he just bought a new car that I was not happy about at all. I felt very disrespected that he bought a brand new car for $500 a month, but can’t meet me half way with the living expenses. I’ve always told him that I want a partner not a someone to take care of. He’s moving out …….did I make the right choice? I know he loves me, but there’s more to a relationship then just love. I’ll be 32 this year and want kids and want a partner that can meet me half way. Did I do the right thing by breaking it off?
I’m not trying to gain monetary profit I’m more then capable of support myself. But, I don’t think that it’s right that he has no desire to better his financial situation and relies on me to support him. I travel for work and I would like to have children and once I do, he would have to pick up the slack. I don’t see that happening. I do love him and he’s a good person. But when your fronting the bill majority of the time it gets old and you start to feel used.
I don’t know why I feel bad for taking a stand for myself? Am I wrong for wanting him to step it up?
sunshine7

Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:43 pm

[bandit]

I don’t think your expectation is unreasonable. If you’re going to be married and bring children in there’s nothing wrong with expecting both parents to contribute either financially or in the case of staying home with the kids with time.

As for the car, if your relationship is that serious and he didn’t talk to you about it, that’s not showing respect to the partnership you already have. If he did ask you then just blew off your feelings, that’s not much better.

I’d say you’re not wrong. This is very important to you in a relationship, and no matter how much you like someone, if they’re not going to abide by a core principle, it’s probably not meant to be. At least you did it before kids or marriage was involved.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You did the right thing. Your ex-boyfriend is not a partner or a good boyfriend. You need someone who is able to step up to the plate, and you’re right — love isn’t enough. You have to have someone who is compatible with you and is ready to be the boyfriend you want. 🙂

Bandit brings up an interesting point when he writes that it’s not unreasonable to expect both partners to contribute financially — [i]however[/i] expectations can be pure fantasy when reality doesn’t match them. In fact, since your boyfriend didn’t pay the bills or make enough money from the get go, for you [i]to expect[/i] him to suddenly pitch in when in reality he can’t, and never did, is irresponsible on [b]your[/b] part.

Good dating means really getting to know yourself and your own expectations so you can suss out who will be compatible with you in reality — not fantasy. If you paid the bills the entire three years you were together, you would be crazy to expect him to suddenly change. What you finally realized is that you made a mistake in choosing someone who isn’t what you want in a man, and I’m glad you figured it out before you married him. 🙂

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