[icefox205]

My fiance and I have been together for three years, although we are from different countries. I have left my home country in 2012 to move to him, but had to return to my own country in Feb this year. Almost immediately I have noticed a change in his behaviour, and in May I asked him if something was wrong. He then told me that he feels there are too many barriers for us to be together, but soon after there was a solution to our situation and he embraced the opportunity. However, since July he tells me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but his actions does not reflect this. We have made several “date nights” which he has dismissed and he doesn’t make an effort to take part in video calling. After the first couple of times when he dismissed date nights, I have sent him messages asking if he was really committed to our relationship and future together, or whether he was seeing anybody else. He did not answer me directly, but rather turned it around and said he keeps repeating himself. I know I have acted irrationally a couple of times, and although I know sorry doesn’t always make it right, I have apologised for the way I reacted in texts. He has told me that “love means never to apologise, I understand”, yet I think he has been slowly pulling away from me emotionally. Since Thursday he has been absent, almost non communicative, yesterday I sent him a “sexy text” which he completely ignored, he did not answer his phone when I rang him (I luckily only did this once and I also did not continue to text him when he did not respond on the message). I have been under the impression that everything between us is fine and sorted, and that we were working towards our goal of getting married next year. I really do not know how to approach the matter, as I believe I may have caused so much damage with my irrational texts (although it has been a while ago), that he decided we are not worth it. How do I make it right? What can I do? I do not want to plead with him and beg for answers, but I do not know how to get to the bottom of what is happening at the moment. I was thinking of sending him a message saying I realise there may be something weighing on his mind which is bothering him, and that until such time he has found a solution and maybe need or want me to listen, I will give him space? Texting is not the ideal way, but as we are on different continents and I am absolutely terrified that he will refuse to answer my call, I see no other option. Please help me with some advice

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fill me in a little first, and then I’ll give you my advice. 🙂

How old are the two of you?

I understand that you’re engaged, and have been dating for three years, but help me with the details. How did you meet, if you’re living in two different countries?

It sounds like at some point in 2012, you left your country to move in with him, but had to return in February of this year — so how long did the two of you live together, exactly?

And did I get it right, that you’ve been living in two separate countries since May, about six months now?

Do you have any plans to move back in together?

Is there a wedding date?

I think that should information will really help clarify things. I’ll answer you as soon as I hear back from you. 😀

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[icefox205]

We met through mutual friends while he was visiting in 2011, we progressed from there. He is 46 and I am 36. We lived together for just over 1 year, I returned to my country in Feb this year so we have been apart for just over 8 months now. We have plans to get married early next year. I know the distance between us has been strenuous to say the least, but I don’t want to make this worse. I want to make this work, but I fear it may be too late. Please help

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So you met in 2011, and have been dating for about three years. You lived together between February of 2013 to February 2014. Then you left to return to your country, with a wedding planned for early 2015.

Sorry for the subsequent questions, but what were the circumstances for your leaving, and what were the plans for your returning? Long distance relationships are definitely difficult — but if you can fill me in a little on the nature of your separation and the mutual understanding you had with your fiancé about reuniting, as well as the wedding plans, that would help!

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[icefox205]

My visa expired and that is why I had to return. We wanted to get married within the time I have been there but the visa did not allow for it. We have since decided that he would come to me so that we can get married in my country, thereby have the ability for me to move to him permanently. The process is a long one however, and for now it seems as if he will only be able to get here in January next year. What worries me is the fact that he mentions this only in passing, never making the effort anymore to talk about our plans in detail. I do realise that this is also a trying experience for him, and I do not want to put pressure on him but at the same time, not openly and honestly talking about our plans leaves me to wonder if he is really committed to our relationship. If I jump to conclusions I will only push him away, and at the moment he seems distant enough. Do I give him space? Tell him I’ll wait until he is ready to talk?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it.

It sounds like your fiancé is going to reunite with you in January, which is really only 8 weeks away. My advice is to keep things light and not push where he’s not interested in being pushed. You did make some mistakes by pushing him for a commitment and expressing anxiety and jealousy, but since that’s done, and you want to move forward, you should be the woman he fell in love with and proposed to. You definitely have some obstacles that have to do with an international romance and legal requirements for marriage, but since you do have a plan to be together again in January, and to marry soon after, I think you should stay upbeat and not push him away.

If he has changed his mind while you were away, then being together may make him realize he does want to marry you — or it may confirm his feelings not to. Either way, it sounds like until the two of you are together again, there won’t be a feeling of resolution for you. If you were talking about six months or a year, I’d give you different advice, but since he’s already planning to see you in only two months, I think you should stay your course and be romantic, alluring and enticing — and don’t express any anxiety or demands to him.

I hope that helps. 😉

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