[soccermomct]

We have been in a lesbian relationship for 17 yrs. now, and in Oct. of 2009 I had to go out of state to Florida to be with my 21 yr. old son who had been in a serious accident with tramatic brain injury and spinal cord injury, he got released from the hospital on DEC 22 and we came home. After getting here little things have been happening, I am finding reciepts for clothing that is not in this house, she is working later and later, and when I try to get intimate with her she tells me that she can’t be my “be all end all”, and that if she doesn’t want sex that I should respect that. She also says that she is in charge of when we have sex and the one time that we did she wanted to do it in new positions that we have never done before. When I asked here if she was having an affair she blew up at me and somehow the conversation got turned around on me. I am so scarred and don’t know what to do. Please help me!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re scared of losing your partner, but your fear isn’t helping you. It’s just paralyzing you. So, you need to get past your fear and find productive ways to figure out what’s going on in your relationship since you were gone for two months between October and December.

One way to face your fear is to figure out what it is you’re most afraid of, and if losing your partner to someone else is the worst thing that could happen to you, take a minute and imagine what your life would be like without her. You’d be sad, maybe even devastated, but you’d understand, eventually, that sometimes relationships end and you don’t have control over anyone but yourself. You’re not going to crumble up and die if your partner leaves you, so at worst, your life with change and you’ll go through a crisis that you WILL come out of.

Okay….you’re still here, right?

Now that you understand what the worst case scenario is, imagine what would happen if you don’t figure out what’s going on with your relationship. You’ll end up walking on egg shells around your partner, not having sex with her unless she deems it time to have sex, and you’ll be wondering all the time if she’s cheating on you. That kind of living in a terror-filled limbo where your self-esteem gets chipped away with each day, is much worse than the worst case scenario, right?

So what you have to do now, is try again to talk to your partner. But this time, you have to take some new tools into the conversation so that the conversation doesn’t get “turned around” on you.

First of all, tell your partner you’d like to schedule a time to talk. Make it a mutually convenient time so that you don’t find her rushing off to a meeting or you having to stress over something else you’re supposed to be doing at the same time.

Next, choose a place to talk that isn’t “loaded” with meaning. For instance, the bedroom is a rotten place to have this talk, but a coffee shop is neutral and non-threatening. So is a park, or maybe your living room. You choose.

When you do talk to her, remember that you don’t want to back her into a corner or put her on the defensive. When you do that, she’ll come out swinging, and you’ll end up in a blow out rather than a productive conversation. So don’t accuse her of things and don’t judge her. Instead, talk about your feelings and your needs and wants. Then ask her how she feels about what you’re saying. For instance, you can tell her that you’re really hurt that she doesn’t want to have sex when you feel sexual and is she willing to compromise and have sex sometimes when you want it, and sometimes when she wants it, even if it isn’t always each other’s first choice. Couples in long term relationships, like yours, have to find ways to compromise on sex and other issues to put the relationship ahead of each other’s individual needs.

Tell her that you’re concerned about the receipts you found for clothes that aren’t in the house, and ask her what they’re from. If she blows up, ask her why she’s so angry. If she stays angry, ask her what you said that make her blow up at you because your intention wasn’t to upset her. It was really just to help you understand what’s going on with the receipts you found.

Keep your tone even. If you get hysterical or upset, while it’s normal, it does add fuel to the fire that can turn into a fight. The focus has to be a productive discussion about your relationship.

Finally, you need to ask your girlfriend if she’s seeing someone else. Tell her how upset you were when the last time you asked her she didn’t answer, and at the same time blew up at you, and you’d really like to know where you stand with her after seventeen years together.

I know that this is difficult to do, but there is really no shortcut around your problem. You have to plow straight through it.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

We have set up a time this weekend to sit down and talk. I chose a park that is close to the house. When I asked her if we could get together and talk the first thing she said was why and then I explained that there are just somethings that I would like to talk about and I left it at that.

Later that night all the sudden she is very cuddly and wanting to be huggy, and kissy and when I went to take a shower she wanted to help me wash my hair.

This is what I was talking about very hot and cold emotionally with her. I don’t get it, my heart is telling me that she is trying to cover up what she did and hope that if she keeps me happy enough that I won’t ask too many questions. But I have to ask the questions, it is already wearing on me emotionally and I just need to know what is going on.

I will let you know how the talk went but my gut is telling me that she is just trying to sugar coat me and make me happy now so when I know the truth that I will forgive her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck. I look forward to hearing from you how it all went.

[Member]

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