[Lily42]

Five months ago I started talking to my friend from high school. We hit it off but the problem had been that a year before that he and my brother had dated. I told my brother that I was interested in him and if it was okay to date. I told him to please be honest with me because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship and if any part of him didn’t want me to then I wouldn’t go any further and would continue to remain friends with him. My brother not only said it was okay but said he gave me his blessing and that they had only technically dated for a couple of days and nothing physical happened between them. I also had a talk with my boyfriend. He said that he loved my brother as a friend and didn’t know how to respond by his sudden confession but admits that he went about it the wrong way and should have told him he was straight to begin with. At first everything was fine. It wasn’t awkward and everyone got along. A couple of weeks ago I moved in with my boyfriend. A couple of days later my brother and I were at lunch and he shared with me that he was going to be deployed. I was very upset but then he said I wasn’t going to say anything but f it I’m going to war and then he told me that he hated my boyfriend and that I was an idiot to go out with him. He said he never wants to see him again which is very difficult for me since I love my brother and my boyfriend. Why did my brother wait so long to tell me? Why did he wait until our relationship was this far along and why did he act so fine with it before? I feel very guilty and awful and I don’t know what to do about it. Since then my brother has been very awkward and keeps saying hurtful things to me. Should I break up with my boyfriend even though we are very happy together? Should I move out of my place with him and go back with my parents? Is there some way that I can keep both of them? Please help! I’m so lost.
sincerely,
Lily

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your brother is about to be deployed. That’s a very big deal. It sounds like he’s projecting his mixed feelings about the deployment onto you and your boyfriend. I don’t think your brother’s feelings have anything to do with you as much as they have to do with the life change he’s about to go through. In fact, when you ask me what I think your brother gave you his blessing 5 months ago when you talked to him about dating this guy — and now, suddenly, he’s acting out — it’s because the deployment is drawing near.

My advice is that you not defend yourself or your relationship with your boyfriend. Instead, when your brother says hurtful things about your boyfriend and the relationship, you should be understanding and tell him that you appreciate the way he feels. Don’t fight him. Instead, turn it around and be nurturing. If you get the opportunity, talk to him about the deployment, and his feelings about it. It sounds like he has a lot to say, and hasn’t really had a place to say it, or someone to say it to.

Again, this isn’t about you and your boyfriend. It’s about your brother’s military deployment.

I hope that helps.

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